“Men appreciate a good look, too.”

Drake’s rating: Every time they mention Thunderstrike, I’m waiting for some AC/DC to blare out of the stereo.

Drake’s review: Fred Olen Ray is a name well known to cult movie aficionados around the world. After all, the man has been directing low-budget movies since the late 1970s, and in that time has given us such exploitation classics as Attack of the 60-Foot Centerfold, Bikini Drive-In, and Alienator. Granted, not every film of his is a must-see, but Ray has been able to stay afloat as a working director for nearly half of a century, manipulating his sometimes microscopic budgets into watchable and generally entertaining fare that cover a wide variety of movie genres.

Still, I was surprised when I came across Submerged, a movie that featured neither aliens nor bikinis yet still bore the directorial stamp of Fred Olen Ray. How could such a thing exist? Was the title just to lure the unsuspecting action flick viewer in, only to unleash upon them aliens in bikinis at the midway point?

Sadly, no. Submerged is instead a startlingly swimsuit-free thriller that takes itself seriously from beginning to end, and never once teases an appearance by aliens, vampires, or even Eddie Deezen. It is a most un-Raylike movie.

Submerged starts off with enough gunfire and explosions to make a Cannon flick jealous, as a man named Jeff Cort (Coolio, Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th) leads a team of mercenaries into the Stevens Corporation, where they steal some hi-tech equipment, shoot a bunch of security guards, and then blow up the building with enough C4 to sink the Florida Keys.

At the same time, the ATF is investigating an arms dealer named Owen Cantrell (Tim Thomerson, Trancers), and think he may be involved in the attack on the Stevens facility. They’ve sent two of their men to talk to Buck Stevens (Dennis Weaver, Terror on the Beach) himself, but Stevens is just a good ol’ boy who ain’t gonna worry himself none over some fancy-schmancy mercs, even if they did blow up one of his buildings. And one reason that Buck isn’t worried is because he’s the one with the software that his new weapons system needs, and he’ll be transporting it via his own plane.

But the ATF still have some concerns of their own over the safety of the Thunderstrike software, which is basically a satellite-based anti-missile system. So they send one of their agents, Jim Carpenter (Maxwell Caulfield, Empire Records), on the flight for extra security, even though Carpenter is still struggling with the loss of his family just a year ago. And it was on Rex Manning Day, too!*

Meanwhile, Cantrell’s mercenaries kill the pilot of Stevens’ plane so that his backup, who is in Cantrell’s pay, can fly the jet instead. And this all gives the film some time to introduce everyone who will be on the plane, which is mostly blonde women in their twenties and dark-haired men in suits. I’d name some of them, but they all sort of blend together. One of them is pregnant, though,** and you just know she’s going to have the best emergency birth story in her friend group.

That’s because, as if you couldn’t tell from the film’s title, this flight is going to take a dive halfway to Hawaii and end up at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. In a surprise to even the replacement pilot on his payroll, Cantrell has sabotaged the jet and it crash lands on the waves below before sinking, leaving everyone stranded and with little hope of rescue. That doesn’t mean that the software is out of Cantrell’s hands, though, since he has a SCUBA team ready to go.

He’s a Tim Thomerson character. Of course he’s two steps ahead.

Submerged is a decent if forgettable action/disaster flick that relies heavily on its veteran cast to keep things interesting. Mixing guns, explosives, and industrial espionage with the plot of Airplane ‘77, it feels a bit overstuffed and at the same time somewhat undercooked. There’s a lot going on in this movie, but its attention is spread out so far that it’s hard to get much of a grasp on any one chain of events before Submerged jumps head first into the next scene. The direction is fine, and the special effects are generally well done, but it never feels like Fred Olen Ray’s heart is really in this one. In trying to ape the bigger budgeted action thrillers, it loses the schlocky charm that personifies his more well-known work.

Submerged might be cinematic junk food, but it’s unfortunately kind of bland. It’s not a bad time killer, but after you watch it don’t be surprised if you’re still craving some Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers.

*No citation needed. We all know it to be true.

**One of the women. The men have to do with looking serious, and then concerned.

Intermission!

• Submerged was produced by fellow cult classic director and regular Fred Olen Ray accomplice Jim Wynorski, of Chopping Mall fame. I am incredibly disappointed that Wynorski didn’t sneak one of the Killbots onto the plane.
• B-movie legend and former pro football star Fred “The Hammer” Williamson (1990: The Bronx Warriors) makes a cameo in this one as well. As soon as you see him, you’re expecting that he’ll put Thomerson’s Cantrell down with a patented forearm to the head. Alas, another missed opportunity!
• Hardware star Stacey Travis also has a small part as Cindy, the flight attendant. There’s no sight of M.A.R.K. 13, however, and now I’m just dwelling on what this movie might have been.
• Fred Olen Ray spent a few years working on action movies, but directed Bikini Airways in 2003 and was off to the races once again. Fortunately for hard-working Mutant Reviewers, it’s hard to keep a good schlockmeister down.