“I swear, you’re like two-year-olds. You’re more interested in the wrapping paper than what’s inside.”

Justin’s rating: Don’t name your movie a double entendre. That should be a rule.

Justin’s review: One of the more elusive goals of movie hunting for me is tracking down any flick that can pull off an Empire Records-type format. You know — genial friends working at some minimum-wage job together while having heart-to-hearts, snarking, and getting up to shenanigans. Many movies have tried but few succeed in evoking the spirit of Music Town and its 1995 denizens… but I’m always willing to give any newcomers a shot.

This search led me to the oddly titled Ten Inch Hero, which is neither a perverted flick nor a prequel to Ant-Man. It’s actually about a gang of young adults who work at a beachside sub shop in southern California. One of these clerks is Piper (Elisabeth Harnois), a quirky art student who gets hired on the spot by Trucker, the slightly grizzled hippie who owns the place.

There’s quite the crew in this shop, which kind of doubles as a cyber-cafe of sorts. We’ve got non-conformist rocker Priestly (Jensen Ackles), shameless flirt Tish (Danneel Ackles, and yes, she’s married to Jensen), and computer nerd Jen (Clea DuVall, The Craft). It’s honestly far more people than is needed to operate a basic foodery where they serve maybe one or two people per hour, but I’m willing to give it a pass because this group gets along so naturally and is enjoyable to be around.

So a likable crew of slight oddballs in a shared workspace — that’s a good start to the Empire Records formula. Next on that list is a bunch of small personal issues that everyone’s working through. Piper wants to connect somehow with the daughter she gave up for adoption several years back, Jen’s got an online relationship that’s developing well, Trucker’s got a thing for a psychic who works across the street, Tish may need to actually grow up in her approach to dating, Priestly is secretly in love with Tish, and so on. Nothing huge, but enough to fill up the runtime.

Probably the only part of that formula it doesn’t copy is some dire threat to the sandwich shop that everyone has to rally to save in the third act. No huge concert here, sorry. There is a road trip, though! That’s worth a few bonus points.

Low stakes, sweet tone, and good chemistry, what’s not to love with this? Well, perhaps it’s a bit predictable without much depth, more of a breezy experience that’s not going anywhere that many ’90s indies hadn’t gone before. Considering that Piper’s catch phrase is, “Don’t be afraid to be bold,” it’s a little ironic that Ten Inch Hero lacks this quality.

But it’s really hard to knock this film for anything. It’s likable people chatting it up, falling in love, dropping quote bombs here and there, and taking work breaks on the beach. And yes, everyone gets a happy ending, because we weren’t wholly cynical by 2007 quite yet.

The very low-key rollout (this emerged from the festival circuit) and the regrettable title kept Ten Inch Hero flying low under the radar, which is why it hasn’t yet generated the widespread love of a 2000s Empire Records. I say it absolutely deserves that recognition, so go pick this up and have a great time with a comfort movie that is perfect to recharge your batteries.

Intermission!

• Coming out of the gate strong with “Feeling a Moment” from Feeder over the opening credits
• Crazy to see all of these people outside not glued to their cellphones… which would be the case soon after, as this was made in 2007.
• Your hand: The original GPS
• That counter is WAY too huge. There’s barely any room in this shop for customers to sit!
• “I’m not normal.” “Clearly.”
• “Zo” is short for “Zoheret”
• “She just feels like a Piper.”
• A hen period salad = egg sandwich
• All of Priestly’s t-shirt slogans
• “Don’t be afraid to be bold.”
• “Ladybugger” is a terrible internet name
• “Sorry, just living vicariously, ignore me.”
• Turkey baster = sucky thing
• “I’m in love.” “You’re in heat.”
• “I love my kilt!”
• “There’s too many enemy tampons, I’m bailing!”
• “Don’t worry, I made Bam Bam go in the other room.”
• Priestly’s mohawk keeps changing colors
• Blast from the past — talking about needing your DSL hooked up
• Mohawks make good holders for order slips
• He went to Banana Republic
• And as all good movies should end, two naked people riding horses on a beach.