“Hey jingle balls! Move your candy canes!”

Justin’s rating: I tracked it, yes, he went on a plane, a train, and an automobile.

Justin’s review: We’ve all been there — you’re at college and your dad tells you that if you can’t complete a cross-continental journey back home in time for Christmas, you won’t be given that luxurious Porsche you deserve. Oh, those wacky ’90s problems we used to have!

This was also back when the entertainment industry was trying to make Jonathan Taylor Thomas a thing after he became a bit of a teenage heartthrob on Home Improvement.  I mean, he was Simba in The Lion King and I never beat the SNES Lion King, so he’s got one up on me.

Jake (Thomas) is a bit of a Ferris Bueller scamp who’s dating Allie (Jessica Biel) but can’t convince her to ditch her family at Christmas and head off with him to Cabo even though he looks like he’s just now going through puberty and she’s two inches taller. But when his remarried dad (Gary Cole) — who Jake’s been avoiding — dangles a sports car as the ultimate incentive to come home to New York instead, well, that’s hard to resist.

However, getting home in three days without airfare is going to be a challenge, especially after Jake gets dumped in the desert with a Santa suit glued to his body. Desperation forces him to take any method available to get home, up to and including sled. As Jake heads east, so does Allie, who’s hitched a ride with Jake’s nemesis Eddie. Yeah, it’s shades of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles for a Millennials.

You all know me, I’m down for a snarky, over-confident comedic lead, but a balance must be struck. Make him a little too sarcastic and inconsiderate, and he can go from likable scoundrel to an unintentional antagonist. And that’s kind of what happened here. I mean, it’s a Disney flick, they’re not going to make their lead a complete jerk… but Jake is THIS close.

Jake is the kind of guy who uses people, has a super-rich dad who’s bribing him with a sports car just to come to family gathering, says things like “Policy doesn’t APPLY to me!” and is only slightly more virtuous than his romantic rival Eddie. He reeks of self-centered obnoxiousness and smarmy lies, which doesn’t wear well on your lead.

Another misstep here is that I’ll Be Home for Christmas — a road trip movie! — keeps our two love interests away from each other instead of having them go on adventures together. Instead, Jake goes on adventures with old ladies, a deranged criminal, a bus full of weirdoes, and a cop. There’s potential in all that, but c’mon, you don’t have Jessica Biel in your movie and sideline her with a putz for 3000 miles.*

Even though this movie hobbles itself with a weird premise and faulty main character, it’s not without some sense of fun. The road trip format offers some new location and situation every 10 minutes, so if you don’t like what’s happening, just wait. You might get lucky in a little bit.

I’ll charitably say that I’ll Be Home for Christmas was a resounding “OK” while never once making me smile or laugh. It skews a little young and schmaltzy for my taste and feels that the writing team wasn’t really pushing themselves to get that extra credit, if you know what I mean.

*This weirdly becomes a romcom between Allie and Eddie with moments where they kiss and share a honeymoon suite.

Intermission!

• The Disney logo with Christmas lights
• Dave Matthews Band tix, score!
• Do colleges really have tall lockers like high school? I’ve never once seen that.
• “He can’t come to the phone right now, he’s busy accessorizing.”
• Oh the era of beepers and cheating on college tests with beepers
• The vulture is cool at least. And she’s got friends!
• Telling a girl you’ve got butt warmers in your seats is a way to her heart
• “Mama’s teeth are falling out again!”
• “Santa just yammied in your handbag!”
• The “reindeer on strike” sign is clever
• AQUA ALERT!
• “I’m an elf!”
• Fake Bavarian villages are all the trend
• “The clock man is sexually harassing the clock lady, how typical.”
• “We’ve got a live liver here!”
• “You’re a genuine butthole!”
• Cops like to dress up as Christmas trees
• “Jesus loves Santa” sign
• That’s an unusual password