“Wouldn’t be Christmas unless someone needs saving, right?”

Drake’s rating: Because what’s a Christmas without an apocalyptic disaster?

Drake’s review: You all know what it’s like when a meteorite crashes into your town and begins freezing everything and everyone around, right? We’ve all been there, and it’s a real pain in the neck. First off, you may not have even had your car winterized yet, so when that freezing frost sweeps over it there’s a good chance it won’t start. Then there’s the fact that all the stores are encased in ice now, which means you won’t be doing any last-minute Christmas shopping. And of course you’ll want to have a few bags of rock salt on hand, because you’re really going to want to keep your sidewalks ice-free. Can’t have anyone slipping around out there when there’s a cataclysmic event going on.

But if you’re ill-prepared for a spaceborne wintry doom, as is the little town in Christmas Icetastrophe,* then you’d better hope you have Handsome Guy around to save the day. Because darn it anyway, Handsome Guy isn’t going to let a little thing like a sudden Arctic freeze ruin Christmas for everyone!

But it’s a big task that Handsome Guy has ahead of him, as he has a front row seat to the carnage inflicted by the meteorite that comes crashing down right as Ruthless Businessman is giving his big speech to well over a dozen people during the town’s Christmas festival. As bits of meteorite crash down everywhere, there’s enough panic and pandemonium to go around. Handsome Guy comes out unscathed, of course, his professionally trimmed goatee and three-day beard looking completely unmussed and ready for a GQ cover shoot.

His friend Streetcorner Santa isn’t so lucky, however. He merely touches a body that was flash-frozen during the meteor strike and, soon enough, becomes a human-sized Popsicle as well! And then he shatters into thousands of icy shards and Handsome Guy looks sad for a moment. Still ridiculously handsome of course, but sad. Sadsome.

Well, Handsome Guy isn’t going to take an outer space assault on his town lying down, so he decides to take the fight to the meteor! Fortunately he has help in this, as he just so happens to run across Meteor Lady, who, being an expert in all things meteoric, was headed to the town to see what all the hubbub was about. Granted, she was probably expecting to find rock fragments and not shattered Santasicles, but she and Handsome Guy forge ahead nonetheless, dodging massive ice crystals and outrunning fast-freezing lakes the whole way.

Meanwhile, Ruthless Businessman lets his only friend Mayor Flunky get frozen like a Butterball turkey and then tries to redeem himself by attacking the icy mists with a road flare. To be fair, I doubt “Arctic Freeze 101” was on his curriculum in business school.

There’s also a subplot about Handsome Guy’s son trekking out into the Arctic cold to save Ruthless Businessman’s daughter and some helicopters get attacked by ice crystals and occasionally an unexplained chunk of ice will fall from the sky to smoosh an unsuspecting extra. Because let’s face it, this flick needs a body count and there’s no way Handsome Guy is gonna get smooshed like that.

I’m going to be fair to this flick and say that it does live up to its title. There are Christmas decorations, and even a short-lived Santa, and there is an icetastrophe. It’s a CGI icetastrophe, but look, if the choice is between an icetastrophe generated on a computer or no icetastrophe at all, it’s an easy pick, right?

No, don’t answer that. I gave up 80 minutes of my life for this flick and I’m going to live in denial and pretend that it wasn’t in vain.

*Granted, this flick has a tenuous link to Christmas, but I need to get a review in or Justin’s gonna be cramming coal into my Mutant Stocking this year.

Intermission!

• We open with a motorboat trying to outrun a freezing lake. No, seriously. I’m getting The Day After Tomorrow flashbacks here.
• Those are some yuuuge ice crystals. Obviously, they’re space ice crystals.
• And now the ice storm is just sort of shooting ice bolts at everyone. It’s like having that Chaotic Neutral magic user that says, “I’m just playing my character!” after wiping out half of the adventuring party.
• Handsome Guy’s house has unfinished walls, but the hunting rifles are already hung up on the studs. Priorities.
• Maybe Handsome Guy’s son is adopted…?
• Those are some seriously aggro ice crystals.
• The woods look nice and calm, and free of combative ice crystals. I think I’d just build a cabin and stay there.
• That helicopter would have been fine, but the ice crystal’s seen Jaws 2.
• Hey, there’s a hot part of the meteorite that can melt the cold part of the meteorite! Sure, that sounds super sciencey to me…