“There are a few, a very few men. Remo. Mack Bolan. Jake Speed. In this case, I think Jake Speed’s the man for the job.”

Justin’s rating: Let’s break the SPEED limit!

Justin’s review: When a young lady named Maureen is abducted — very awkwardly, I might add — off the streets of Paris, there’s only one man who can rescue her from a white slavery ring in Africa. And that man is Liam Neeson, but this is 1986 and he hadn’t learned his specific set of skills yet.* So instead, Maureen’s family turns to legendary Jake Speed.

I know! THAT Jake Speed! The Jake Speed of the best-selling book series who’s actually real because these fictional action paperbacks aren’t actually that fictional after all (as are other not-so-fake characters like Mack Bolan and Remo Williams). He’s a real bona fide hero, and he’s going to get the job done because evil needs a smackdown.

So yeah, this movie’s hook is oddly meta. It’s a fictional character from a fictional book in a fictional movie claiming to be real and that the books are written about his actual adventures. OK, fine, but that would land a lot harder if we’d actually heard of Jake Speed outside of this film. As it is, it’s simply a head-scratching premise.

I do remember that these sorts of men’s action books were really hot stuff in the ’80s. My friends and I never read more than the back covers of them, but we did write our own choose-your-own-adventure books based on these rifle-toting one-man-armies. Sadly, those did not become best-sellers.

Anyway, back in the movie, the girl’s sister Margaret goes to Africa to join Speed and his associate/biographer Dez on the hunt for Marie. This immediately felt a lot like Romancing the Stone, with the experienced action guy dragging a complaining, bumbling woman through a third-world country on an adventure. It’s just that it happens with a smaller budget and a lead star who doesn’t have a tenth the charisma of Michael Douglas.

Jake Speed was created in part by Valley Girl co-writer Wayne Crawford, who saw no issue whatsoever putting himself in the lead role — hence the low charisma. Crawford’s Jake is a little laconic and a lot crude, a guy who probably grew up idolizing all the wrong lessons from Indiana Jones. On the plus side, he does have a huge hand cannon that can blow up pretty much anything and gets in a few fun quips when the action gets going.

The problem is that this movie takes way too long getting to any kind of action or crazy bits, so we’re stuck with drab sets and stilted conversations until the budget frees up enough money for some explosions and squibs — and then it goes right back to being drab and stilted because Crawford and director Andrew Lane weren’t into tight pacing.

Along the way, we’re meant to question the foundational premise. Are Jake and Dez the true heroes that the books say they are, or is this one very long con that’s going to be the dumbest mistake Margaret ever made? The film is going to keep you guessing on that, even as Jake’s modified shotgun blows entire structures to splinters and John Hurt shows up to be our exaggerated villain of the hour. Also, there’s a lion pit and the ultimate remote-control armored car, but those take even longer in coming.

I somewhat warmed up to Jake Speed’s attitude, which is a mixture of selflessly heroic, recklessly confident, and always inflated with love of himself and how he will come off in the next book. Margaret is there to be the Scully to his Mulder and doubt his over-the-top declarations and plans.

Jake Speed is a slow burn of a movie — again, to its detriment — but if you stick it out, it gradually becomes more interesting and more crazy. The problem is that it never hits a good stride, nor does it do anything more than dipping its toes into satire. It’s a little too messy and uncertain to offer up other than a curious museum piece, but the word on the street is that Jake Speed has more than its fair share of fans out there. You may even be married to one.**

*He only knew how to walk the dog with a yo-yo and speak fluently in Pig Latin.

**If not, contact Mutant Reviewers’ social relationships hotline and we will ship out a spousal substitute to you at no extra cost.

Intermission!

• The X-Files’ Mark Snow composed the music here — and it’s a pretty great score, too.
• He doesn’t need his balls
• I don’t think this is appropriate abduction music, it’s so dang cheery
• “They defeat evil where it exists, Pinhead.”
• Remo Williams’ name drop! And Mack Bolan.
• And I see we’ve wandered into a furry convention at minute 10
• This is the most dimly lit bar
• “Can you handle an adventure?”
• That is a disgusting hotel room
• Enjoy this knock-off rendition of Maniac!
• “You don’t want me. I have a venereal disease.” She has crotch crickets, allegedly. Whatever that is.
• His gun can blow human-shaped sizes in walls and demolish entire bars
• Taking a picture for the cover of their book while in a leaky barn at night
• You can find 2,000 poisonous snakes around anywhere if you look hard enough
• Time for our main characters to play catch with the baseball gloves they brought to Africa for some reason
• “Just glad we didn’t have to mess up a good book.”
• HARV finally shows up after a countdown… but does no good
• Minions hate having to clean up the blood stains on their boss’ carpet
• Every good villain’s lair has a lion pit
• Indoor driving requires a lot of reverse and drive shifting
• “YEAHHH!”
• Luggage isn’t a good anti-truck weapon
• Jake reading from his book over the end credits