“Kill every thing in Eastfield. He will be among them. That was a joke.”

Justin’s rating: He didn’t start the fire, it was always burning since Bayside High was turning

Justin’s review: When you’re dreaming up superheroes, you’ve got to come up with a backstory that explains their powers. There are a few categories from which to pick, including mutation, natural abilities, technology, supernatural, and alien. Yes, aliens like to do nothing more than make the arduous trek to earth only to single a few of us out to become Ben 10s or Green Lanterns.

I’m not sure what criteria all these aliens use for this selection, but at least one of them must’ve been a huge fan of Saved by the Bell, because Mark-Paul Gosselaar got picked to be the next major superhero of a billion-dollar Canadian franchise.

Gosselaar is Mike, a kid who’s half-alien but doesn’t quite know it yet. I mean, you know it and I know it, but he’s going to spend about half of the 85-minute runtime trying to figure out why he can set things on fire, has super-strength, can read minds, and can see into the future. Dude, it’s aliens.*

After his mom dies because of Mike’s pyrokinesis, he goes to live with his grandpa and grandma while he slowly learns of his abilities. Until one day, that is, when a pair of alien bounty hunters come calling to take Mike back to his home planet as a “viable specimen” of their experiments upon humanity.

So basically, this made-for-TV film is Superman by way of Terminator 2 with a pit stop in Firestarter. Before you start wetting your undershorts in excitement over this hybrid premise** you must be informed that all of this is filmed in the absolute cheesiest way possible. I’m talking soft fades between cuts, Lifetime Channel conversations over the kitchen table, and ’80s power ballads swelling for no good reason.

In other words, if you love that trope of superheroes moping around about how much it sucks that they have these powers and life, you’ve now found the Queen Bee of that hive. This coming-of-age superhero flick has a little fun with the idea, though, and viewers starving for comic book adventures back then probably weren’t that picky for inspiration.

It would’ve been really cool to see Mike taken back to his home planet, but alas, that was outside of the scope and budget here. Instead, he’s chased by a buff alien bounty hunter named Eleven — who’s got a talking arm computer that nags him! — for a while until his dad shows up and there’s a full three-alien showdown with a fairly decent fight loaded with tons of fireballs.

Gosselaar is fine as a lead but he doesn’t demonstrate much range nor is given a deep character to inhabit. He looks puzzled and frustrated and fumbles his way through a romance with Blonde Swim Coach, but his Mark isn’t much of a person to speak of. I actually liked the bad alien Eleven more, with his growly lines and passive-aggressive relationship with his arm computer.

I should mention that despite 99% of Specimen coming off as a tame TV-movie-of-the-week, that 1% contains full male and female nudity that comes out of nowhere. I couldn’t stop laughing that Mike kept having visions of his fully naked mom on the night she was impregnated by E.T., because how messed up is that!

Specimen weirdly excels in its soundtrack — not the power ballad part but the trippy electro-synth score by Styx keyboardist Lawrence Gowan. And when you add in all of the ideas that this story’s trying to pull off in a relatively short span, it’s hard to be bored… even if this is totally derivative and not for the lactose intolerant. It’s fine for a low-budget genre pic, and that’s all there is to it.

*This totally explains why Zack Morris could stop time, by the way.

**Yes, that’s an alien pun.

Intermission!

• Gosselaar never did break into the film industry that well. Aside from, ahem, Atomic Twister and 12 Dates of Christmas, about the only notable flick he’s done is the admittedly underrated Dead Man on Campus.
• Tragic slow-mo backstory with lots of fire!
• Is this whole movie going to be slow-mo?
• Maybe if they slow this home inferno down enough, it’ll be like one of those virtual yule logs
• What are these opening credits with the power ballad
• He sleeps in a full bathtub to keep from lighting his bed on fire. I’d think this might create new drowning-related problems, but his aunt and uncle seem OK with it.
• Also, why doesn’t he prune up after 8 hours in water?
• Did he just mind-control that kid to make him swim?
• When a girl invites you in for hot chocolate, you go. Probably have to fight off three bullies, though.
• The alien’s “biosuit” will deteriorate in 72 hours
• The evil bounty hunter strutting around in the nude after he arrives is total Terminator material
• Grandpa gets a shot off, good for him. Should’ve gotten two shots off, though.
• The arm computer chiding the alien for being too violent
• “How do I find the specimen now?” “Kill every thing in Eastfield. He will be among them. That was a joke.”
• Mike can heat up an entire swimming pool now
• Aliens shine bright spotlights when they touch down naked in lakes
• WHY IS THIS MOVIE OBSESSED WITH SHOWING US GUY BUTTS
• “It’s all garbage! You’re telling me my dad is an alien!”
• He keeps getting visions of his nude mom, that’s going to take some therapy
• “17 boys, let’s go!”
• This school seems to have no other teachers or kids
• Yeah tell the kids to go run into the woods unsupervised
• Jumping into a swimming pool next to a murderous alien is a bad idea
• Whole lotta people popping out of the pool when they should’ve been easily spotted
• Aliens can catch bullets out of midair and then softball pitch them back
• The aliens’ true form is dorky
• Well you lost your dad but you got a burned and broken arm computer out of the deal, so that’s a win