“A time machine that runs on blood?”

Justin’s rating: I too am a special chosen one who has secret powers, a tragic past, and an attractive rival

Justin’s review: From around 2005 to 2015, we truly lived through the YA Scifi Fantasy Romance Era. Everyone was leaping on series like Twilight, Maze Runner, Hunger Games, Divergent, Red Rising, Percy Jackson, and so, so many more. If you were in a certain age demographic, this era was the best thing ever, and if you were outside of that, you felt it in your bones.

Sure, we all made fun of these stories at the time — they were easy punching bags for moony eyes and ridiculous plot points — but at least someone was pumping out new popular fantasy and scifi series. That’s not really the case any more, and that’s too bad.

One of these series that you probably never heard of was Ruby Red, a trilogy of YA novels put out in 2009 and 2010 by German author Kerstin Gier. Think “Twilight with fewer vampires and more time travel,” and that’s all the information you need for a firm foundation on this series. And believe it or not, they made a full movie trilogy of these books just a few years later. In German, I should add.*

Gwendolyn is part of a fancy London family with members who can apparently travel through time. They’re pretty open about that, shoving it right into the first couple minutes without any build up. She’s a bit of a dorky outcast — all the more for the teenage viewers to identify — but wouldn’t you know it, she’s got the time travel gene instead of her stuck-up cousin (who was supposed to have it).

Thus begins a journey through time, secret societies, and teenage angst. Only two of those are headache-inducing. Gwendolyn travels with arrogant hunk Gideon, who is our tantalizing piece of forbidden fruit for this film and a key exhibit for why guys should not wear ponytails. They snipe at each other, because of course this a love-hate relationship. Their mission is to collect blood from other time travelers to feed it into a time machine for some timey wimey world-saving nonsense.

They do this for the “Order,” which may or may not be evil but has most of the time travelers on its docket, so that complicates things as well. Are they trying to save the world? Or something else? Probably something else, yeah? It’s always something else with figures in big black cloaks who can read minds and force-choke people.

It is kind of fun to watch Gwen learn about her powers and this really strange world, starting with a trip that sends her into a room with her grandfather in 1994 who’s not at all surprised to see her there. Her next trip bumps into a future Gwen who’s totally in costume and making out with a murderous Gideon. And then there’s a strange little boy she keeps seeing in the present that nobody else does. It all makes for a pretty good setup that kept me interested.

One thing I appreciate about Ruby Red was that we get a whole lot of time travel. It’s not just one or two moments but a succession of them, sending Gwen and Gideon ping-ponging through different periods. And that’s actually a problem for Gwen, because she hasn’t been studying up on history, different languages, and other important historical facts the way that Gideon and her cousin had.

It turns out that while these characters can travel randomly on their own, they need a machine to target a specific day in the past. They even get weather reports before going back. Nice touch.

Because this was filmed in German, the (American) English dub feels like it lost a lot of its natural flow. This is especially strange, considering that the movie takes place in London — where people SHOULD be speaking in English anyway. And because this is the first of three movies, it’s not interested in fully answering anything, so prepare for a lot of disappointment to your curiosity.

I’d really forgotten how tiresome these teenage love triangles are. Maybe they’re absolute catnip to some viewers, but teens bickering about who loves whom the most while also hating each other is exhausting. Guys, if y’all don’t like each other, maybe don’t hang out? Manufacturing drama doesn’t make romance hotter.

What got me was the fluctuating level of quality. Ruby Red can be genuinely funny and beautiful to watch one scene, then very shaky and stilted the next. It’s not quite up to the standard of a blockbuster, but it does OK, say, on a miniseries level. Perhaps that’s where it should be left, along with all of the unanswered questions that this film raised.

*Truly, the most romantic and time travely of languages.

Intermission!

• Running in giant black robes seems like you’d trip a lot
• Main character introduced by taking photos, narrating her family’s backstory, and calling herself the “black sheep?” Oh, you are so preciously emo, child.
• Saying your family has secrets doesn’t mean you have secrets
• Random dude from the past looks a little confused
• “Why does it stink so bad here?”
• SLAP OF THE PAST
• Grandma’s either stroking out or having a vision
• “The liver goes there.”
• I like that they stress how dangerous time travel can be
• A credit card with unlimited credit
• Makeover scene with a cheesy pop song
• Important to get the weather report of the day you’re visiting
• Gideon with a mustache does not work at all.
• Women like the violin in every century
• Male teachers are allowed to barge into girls’ bathrooms with no consequences
• “Pimplebottom” is an unfortunate name
• Gideon’s ponytail is INFURIATING
• “And how did you expect to make a pee-pee?”
• “The female blood is very sluggish.”
• Wait, he can read minds? Why? How?
• Ancient people are fascinated by cellphones, AKA “box of tricks”
• Force choking now? Is this dude a Sith?