“If you ain’t first, you’re last!”

Justin’s rating: This review is brought to you by Dominos. And KFC. And Powerade.

Justin’s review: Oh to return to an era where we squabbled about whether Will Farrell or Adam Sandler movies caused the most brain rot. Little did we know how good we had it then, because at least somebody was making big comedies back in the 2000s. Now, two decades later, we can only recall the past with heartfelt longing.

Or, y’know, we could stop being such drama llamas and pop in Talladega Nights, because movies are special magic that let us go right back to any era we want. And Will Farrell owned the 2000s mainstream comedy scene, especially paired with director Adam McKay (Step Brothers, Anchorman, and… um, this).

The studio splurged $72 million on making a NASCAR comedy, which would’ve been an absolute tragedy if it (a) didn’t have a stacked cast and (b) wasn’t actually funny. But crafting his own Happy Gilmore-style sports spoof was a great move for Farrell, as this film became one of the most loved among his fans.

Ricky Bobby (Farrell) seems destined to be the fastest driver on the circuit. And in fact, in the first 13 minutes, this movie blasts through about 65 minutes of any other sports tale as it chronicles the rise and popularity of Bobby in the field of competitive stock car racing. He’s got a hot wife, many admirers, and — most importantly — a pile of sponsors (most notably Wonder Bread, which I find one of the funniest jokes).

Once the pace slows down a tad, we get to know his overly ambitious wife, his best friend and fellow driver Cal (John C. Reilly), his two crazy kids, and his father who abandoned the family a long time ago. He might be hot stuff on the track, but Ricky Bobby’s raging insecurities and need to be first opens a wide door for a fall into humiliation.

This comes in the form of gay French driver Jean Girard (Sacha Cohen, Borat), who’s even faster and even more full of ego. As Bobby buckles from the competition, so too his best friendship and respect of his wife. The only thing that can save him is to go back to his hometown roots and rebuild his confidence just in time for the final confrontation.

I wouldn’t have thought that stock car racing would be a rich field for jokes at all. I mean, non-NASCAR people like to mock NASCAR, but that’s not the same as creating a loving parody.

Yet here we’ve got wall-to-wall goofs, sight gags, and endless quotables. I particularly liked that while Farrell got plenty of good lines, the rest of the supporting cast also got their own hilarious moments, improvs, and quips. That makes a film feel less selfish, y’know? Reilly, Michael Clarke Duncan, Molly Shannon, Gary Cole, Amy Adams, Jane Lynch, and more have a blast letting out their inner silliness. Even Cohen’s Girard manages to craft one of the most intrinsically funny villains of any sports comedy.

There are some spectacularly great bits here. Probably my favorite was when Ricky’s so angry with Cal (you know, for stealing his life) but Cal keeps calling him up and they just talk like friends for a while before Ricky remembers that he’s supposed to be mad. Rinse and repeat.

And when you toss in a bunch of what looks to me well-done racing scenes and stunts, there’s some adrenaline to go with the laughs. Someone snuck a somewhat decent sports flick in here, and I don’t mind it. No sir.

It’s not my favorite Farrell comedy (Elf aside, that’s probably Anchorman), but it is absolutely solid entertainment. Practically every scene had me wondering how these actors could pull off these lines without constantly breaking. Maybe this entire film represents the 117th take? It was worth it.

Drew’s rating: For a lifetime supply of Fig Newtons? I’d TOTALLY drive with a sticker covering my windshield.

Drew’s review: I am not a Southerner, by the grace of God or otherwise. My parents are from Michigan, and I was born and raised in New Jersey (state motto: “Only the strong survive”). I throw in this preface to explain how I know I’ll never truly understand NASCAR.

Oh, I like parts of it… I fully support any activity that involves large groups of people spending time outdoors, getting drunk and periodically lifting their shirts. (Ladies only, PoolMan. Seriously, dude, not cool.) But like most Northerners, I prefer such gatherings to involve grown men kicking or throwing a ball around, rather than cars racing around an oval stretch of road. And yes, I’m a big fan of driving fast and freaking out people with slower reflexes, but I have Jersey highways for that.

So I’m not a diehard NASCAR fan. I say that to emphasize that there’s no preconceived bias on my part when I report that this movie is hilarious. Honestly, I may even prefer it to Anchorman… and I’m a man who enjoys his Anchorman. That seems to be an unpopular opinion among the masses, but so be it.

Talladega Nights has plenty of laughs, but also a tighter structure and an actual plot, something I usually like to see in a movie (Dazed and Confused, I’m looking at you). True, John C. Reilly and Sacha Baron Cohen aren’t quite as zany as Steve Carell and Ben Stiller, but the presence of Gary Cole (Office Space) as Ricky’s father more than makes up for it. “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and come to the racetrack on Saturday, son, mkay? Great.”

If you need more of a summary than “Will Ferrell in a race car,” here goes: Ricky Bobby, Southern hick extraordinaire, has wanted to drive fast since the day he was born. A pit crew worker, his chance finally arrives in the form of an absent driver and a vacant car. Quickly catapulting his way to the top of the NASCAR circuit, Ricky gains the wife, kids, and white trash lifestyle he’s always dreamed of… but when a jealous owner and very, very gay French driver Jean Girard (Sacha Baron Cohen) team up to challenge his dominance, he soon finds himself friendless, penniless, and living with his mother.

Can Ricky stage a comeback to squash the frog and get back on top, or will snack vendors be stuck serving wine and cheese forevermore?

I mentioned stupid humor before, but let’s be clear: This is not an Adam Sandler movie, where the protagonist acts bizarre and all the other characters play straight (wo)man. No, this is a Will Ferrell flick, which means that EVERYONE — hero, villain, mentor, love interest, etc. — says and does completely inane, nonsensical things pretty much all the time.

There’s no Alice in this Wonderland; it’s just a bunch of lunatics running wild. And as long as you enjoy that kind of humor, it’s hilarious… I guarantee at least half the dialogue was ad-libbed on the spot by Ferrell and his co-stars. But those who need at least one sane character to relate to will be lost, so proceed at your own risk.

What I like about Nights is that it’s not afraid to make fun of people’s cultures, but that it also shares the satire evenly. I’m immensely proud to be an American, but there are things I dislike about our society, and the film does a great job of skewering the willful ignorance, monstrous excess, and xenophobia that far too many Americans engage in. (With apologies to the South, I have no trouble believing that Applebee’s is considered a fancy dinner out in parts of this country.)

But it’s not a case of us being the lone scapegoat, as main villain Girard exemplifies at least as many stereotypes and odd behaviors of the French culture. It’s a nice reminder: America does have problems and takes a lot of global abuse because we’re always in the spotlight, more so now than ever… but every country has their eccentricities and stupid behavior. NASCAR just happens to be one of ours. (Hey, it could be curling.)

In the end, Nights can never be considered truly cult because Will Ferrell is all famous and stuff these days; but it’s one of those films where you know if it’d been made during his SNL days, it would already be a cult classic.

Nonetheless, it’s a funny movie that won’t make you think too hard if you don’t want to, but actually has a little bit of subtle humor for those who look. Like I said, you know what to expect with this one… but if you like that kind of humor but haven’t seen it yet, by all means, put the pedal to the metal and check it out.

Intermission!

• Ricky’s dinner table contains more product placements then I think I’ve ever seen in one scene of a movie before.
• Talladega Nights drinking game: for every individual brand-name product you see, take a drink. You’ll be comatose within the hour.
• While any kids I might ever have will be respectful, I do hope to one day hear one tell his grandfather he’s going to come at him like a spider monkey, ‘cuz that’s just awesome.
• I never would have recognized Girard as Ali G; he looks totally different.
• Eleanor Roosevelt has a potty mouth
• “I’m gonna cry and go get some milk.”
• 34 cents for gas
• You can stop in the middle of a race for a pee break… and a chicken sandwich
• “He’s got two first names!”
• You can autograph babies and assistants
• NASCAR has an official tampon
• “If you don’t chew Big Red then f— you!”
• His kids are Walker and Texas Ranger.
• “Jesus did grow up, you don’t always have to call him baby.”
• Powerade can write it into your contract that you have to mention it during grace.
• The grandpa’s look when he finds out the kid threw his war medals off a bridge
• “If we wanted some wussies, we would’ve named them Doctor Quinn and Medicine Woman!”
• You can win a race in reverse
• Molly Shannon is still getting work in 2006
• “It’s in the Geneva Conventions!”
• “I want this music out of my head!”
• Perrier is a good sponsor for Girard
• “I’ve got you Pepe Le Bitch!”
• “Hey, it’s me, AMERICA!”
• “How did get get down to his underwear that fast?”
• “Help me Oprah Winfrey!”
• “Ma’am, your husband’s not dying, he’s just taking a nap.”
• “He’s fine, he found that wheelchair in a hallway.”
• “Don’t you stick that knife in your leg!”
• “How fast is he going?” “26 miles per hour.”
• “Psychosomatic” does not mean that someone can start fire with his mind
• “You shut up, you little pot-licker, or I’ll put you in a microwave.”
• Cougar in the car teaches you to drive with the fear
• “I am declaring Granny Law!”
• “I think your house is haunted.”
• Drugging a car and calling the cops to get you past your driving block is a unique way to go
• “Someone didn’t love you enough when you were little, didn’t they?”
• Applebees is gourmet dining
• Amy Adam’s best speech ever: “This is awesome. You climbing on a table right now?”
• The great dream is to retire to Stockholm and design currency that only dogs and cats use.
• Highlander won the Academy Award for Best Movie Ever Made
• The cougar on the hood of Ricky Bobby’s car
• The mid-crash Applebee’s commercial