“Say goodnight to Gracie!”

Justin’s rating: All of the cardboard sets in the world couldn’t save this movie

Justin’s review: Consider that by 1989, there were some 16 (!) James Bond movies already released. It already was a long-lasting and popular franchise that drew a lot of attention to itself, and so it was inevitable that it would generate tons of parodies. We’ve already covered ones like Casino Royale, Doctor Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine, and Never Too Young to Die, but trust me when I tell you there there were gobs of them well before Austin Powers sank its teeth into the spoof scene.

One of these gobs was Deadly Spygames, a truly bizarre low-budget effort that’s picked up some cult cache in recent years. The Bond analogue here is Steven Banner, portrayed by human Play-Dough model Jack Sell. Why did Sell get the part? Perhaps you best ask the director, Jack Sell. Or the writer, Jack Sell. Oh, and the theme song composer, Jack Sell.*

The ridiculousness begins right away, with an in-your-face sex scene (starring Jack Sell) that quickly transitions into a failed assassination attempt, saved by Banner’s sassy robot butler who just murders a girl and quips its way out of the room.

With that non sequitur through, we get to the meat of the film, which follows Banner and his support team as they try to track down some much-needed info to stave off World War III. He’s commanded by a grouchy guy in a wheelchair (in a submarine, and now I want to know the logistics of a wheelchair-accessible sub), his secretary, and — why not — an aging Tippi Hedren as “Chastity” someone or another.

And what is this info that’s going to save the world? Why it’s footage from a Christmas slasher movie. I know, that old chestnut again. It’s practically a trope to insert Yuletide horror into spy flicks.

It doesn’t take much imagination to figure out what’s going on with this, especially when you see how the filmmaker was adverse to spending money, aside from maybe a bargain bin sale on military stock footage. Jack Sell took scenes from his previous flick, Outtakes, and thrust it into our faces like the schlockmeister that he is.

Even if you give Deadly Spygames a lot of leeway for ironic lampooning of the spy genre, it’s definitely not enough to cover over its multitude of sins. The cinematography is awful, the acting more wooden than the many forests they slowly run through, and the pacing is as lethargic as Steve Bannon’s morning exercise routine. Half of the action scenes are done in slow-mo, and Jack Sell’s idea of humor is having Bannon speak in nothing but overused cliché lines.

This whole thing is a Frankenstein of laziness, bad ideas, and very little actual comedy. As an exchange went in this film, “What is this, a joke?” To which an actor replies, “I can assure you, it’s not.” There are no jokes here, people.

*My rule of thumb is that when a person occupies more than two roles in a film, it’s going to be an absolute trainwreck. I think the evidence out there backs me up on this.

Intermisson!

• Hello, abrupt slow-mo sex scene that starts this movie
• A killer robot butler with a sassy mouth is a must for any super spy
• They absolutely spared all expense with those opening titles
• There is no way that this is a submarine room, even with the hubcaps on the wall
• That is the tiniest pocket knife, Banner. Put it away before you embarrass yourself.
• None of these bad guys have the same uniform
• His middle name is “James”
• You can be fully surrounded by armed soldiers and easily get away with throwing dynamite and shooting someone in the chest with a snub-nosed pistol before everyone just lamely lunges at you
• OK the excessive rolling down a hill was kind of funny
• How long is this camera going to zoom in on the grenade?
• Random rock songs populating the soundtrack for action scenes
• Bannon absolutely LOVES rolling on the ground. I think it’s his only stunt move.
• Every bad spy movie needs a Sousa march at some point
• How do they have his kill ratio?
• A screwdriver set can double as cinematic lockpicks