“But, Drake… Drake!”

Drake’s rating: And that D stands for derivative

Drake’s review: So this is the film that answers the question, what happens if you want to make a Clive Barker movie but lack the talent of a Clive Barker? And that answer is Hellmaster. Hellmaster is what happens.

Coming out of the gate looking for all the world like a Hellraiser clone, with latex prosthetics and twisted religious iconography everywhere you look, Hellmaster takes a sharp turn early on and makes the culprit the 1960s. That’s right, man, the Sixties did it!

It seems that one Professor Jones (John Saxon, A Nightmare on Elm Street) was up to no good back in that era and came up with the psychoactive Nietzsche Drug which caused him to commit horrible yet ill-defined crimes of some sort. I’m not exactly sure what he did, since we get filled in on Jones through scattered bits of clunky exposition, but it was bad enough that he faked his death. went off the grid, and continued on with his biochemical experiments in secret.

But if Jones were to remain in hiding we wouldn’t have much a movie, so for better or worse*, he resurfaces 25 years later, utilizing his Nietzsche Drug to turn unsuspecting bystanders into minions for his mutant horde. And since he resurfaces at the Kant Institute of Technology, most of Jones’s victim are college students — most specifically those in a special program, run by an old associate of Jones, which has a high percentage of graduates going on to work for covert government agencies. Evidently this program delves into paranormal research, since Shelly, our obligatory final girl, shows some signs of psychic abilities.

I’d be more specific about Shelly’s powers, but the movie itself doesn’t bother getting too in depth about them. Extrasensory perception? Probably. Telekinesis? Doesn’t look like it. Telepathy? Maybe. Honestly, Hellmaster is pretty darn vague about what Shelly can do, but it’s convinced that she’s the key to fighting Jones and his merry band of mutants** even so.

Potential boyfriend material Drake is less than convinced, so he packs a revolver to plug the mutants with. Drakes are just cynical like that.

Hellmaster is one confusing flick. While its premise is based on psychic phenomena with a heaping helping of psychoactive pharmaceuticals, it just can’t resist slathering itself in supernatural trappings like spooky red lights and fog-filled hallways, which greatly confuses the narrative. It obviously wants to be Hellraiser with a different origin story, but it can’t even commit to its own premise and constantly reverts to peeking over its shoulder and copying the answers from that weird British kid in the next seat over. That lack of confidence keeps Hellmaster from ever developing its own personality and limits its appeal to those looking for a quick fix while they’re waiting for the next entry in the Hellraiser franchise. Which was going to be Hellraiser: Bloodlines some four years down the road, so admittedly Hellmaster did have a niche to fill.

It’s not all bad, thanks to the nice makeup and FX work on display, but that’s the high point of Hellmaster. The acting ranges from “Can you tell this is my first movie?” to “John Saxon collecting a paycheck,” but to be fair this was also director Douglas Schulze’s first feature so it’s not like the actors had a veteran hand behind the camera to guide them. And for the most part, Hellmaster has that feel of novices making a movie. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but unfortunately here it results in an end product that takes a decent premise and then squanders it away on slavishly imitating a decidedly superior film.

Hellraiser is an odd thing to be copying in any event, since it’s a very singular look at demonology and the politics of Hell. And to then just chuck the supernatural elements in favor of psychic phenomena that end up looking supernatural anyway is an unusual choice to be sure, but that’s Hellmaster. Catch this one if you need it to fill out your John Saxon bingo card, but otherwise skip on by and take in an actual Hellraiser movie instead.

But not Hellraiser: Revelations. And Hellraiser: Hellworld wasn’t so great, either. And… look, just to be on the safe side, stick with the first two. After that, the Hellraiser waters get pretty darn muddy.

*Worse.

**Not one of whom is shown to be slaving over a laptop, churning out movie reviews.

Intermission!

• John Saxon isn’t the only face familiar to horror fans here. David Emge, best known for his role as “Flyboy” in George A. Romero’s classic Dawn of the Dead, shows up as Robert. He spends most of the film shooting mutants with his syringe-loaded crossbow. Take it from me, mutants hate that.
• On the other hand, if you’ve seen Robert Dole, who played Professor Damon, it’s probably because you saw him in Babe Watch: Forbidden Parody, so you might want to keep that bit of trivia to yourself.
• This was the one and only appearance of Edward Stevens, who played Drake, however. He’s no doubt reveling in his obscurity, hoping that someone doesn’t come along and spoil his anonymity with a Hellmaster screencap. If so, sorry, Edward. Drakes are just cantankerous like that.