This month we’re throwing ALL the geek favorites at the wall to see what sticks! Zombies, pirates, ninjas, robots — which is the coolest? And what’s our favorite cult movie for each?

Justin: Out of those four, I’m going to say that “robots” are the coolest. Hey, I grew up in the ’80s — we were OBSESSED with robots back then and had many options for a best pal. Flight of the Navigator’s Max is the one that comes to mind as an excellent pal for a road trip, though.

For zombies, I’m going with Return of the Living Dead for its wacky blend of horror, goop, and comedy. For ninjas, it’s definitely Gymkata and those wacky flag ninjas! And for pirates, hm… I suppose The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything are going to have to take this spot by default.

Heather: Without question, pirates win for “cool” factor. They are the most stylish, free-spirited (albeit criminal) folks you’ll ever meet. Witty jousts of words and swords, amazing hats, and even better songs. We have an international “Speak Like a Pirate” day for a reason, and that alone is enough ARRRRGument for them to be first place in my book.

My favorite pirate movie is Dead Man’s Chest. The wild success of that franchise is partially due to just how fun pirate stories are. It’s as far away from “cult” as could possibly be, but to be fair we are woefully short on pirate movies in this world. That settles it: We Mutants must shoot our own film regarding hijinks on the high seas!

Sitting Duck: To be honest, I don’t have very strong feelings for any of these. The one exception involves post-Romero zombies, which I despise. Foremost is how Night of the Living Dead is at heart a rip-off of The Killer Shrews, with the key differences being the absence of the unintentionally hilarious climax and the delusions of profundity. And the creative stagnancy only gets worse with all the sequels, reboots, remakes, and oh so many rip-offs (making them rip-offs of a rip-off, dear Gawd). The one exception is World War Z (the book by Max “Son of Mel” Brooks, not the sadsack movie), which actually bothered to have an interesting narrative.

Now to pick something for each genre. Here’s what I’ve got:

Zombie: I’ll be going with the Kolchak: The Night Stalker episode from 1974 imaginatively entitled “The Zombie.” This one involves a Haitian bokkor who reanimates her grandson (who helped run a South Side numbers racket) to take vengeance on the Mafiosi responsible for his death and kicking off a gang war in Chicago. Most notable is the climactic scene where Kolchak must attempt to nullify the zombie’s animation by pouring salt in its mouth and then sewing it shut. While the zombie is inert while he does this, there’s the constant risk of it suddenly reviving, which really jacks up the tension.

Pirate: Rather than something from the stereotypical yo-ho-ho crowd, let’s consider the pirates that cropped up following the end of the Cold War thanks to the reduction of naval patrols from the U.S. and Russia. In this case, the obvious choice is Black Lagoon from 2006. Technically it’s an anime and the character designs have something of an anime look to them. But the vibe is more akin to an R-rated action movie from the eighties or nineties that comes in at just under over-the-top. And that opening credits song with its Engrish word salad lyrics is magnificent in its incoherence.

Ninja: I’m practically obligated to select an anime title here. So I think I’ll go with the 1987 TV movie The Fuma Conspiracy. You’ll hear more about it sometime in the next few days.

Robot: Let’s ride the range of the Weird West in the 1935 serial The Phantom Empire starring Gene Autry in his first lead role. I’ll admit the robots are not particularly central to the story. However, their look is quite distinctive in a thirties kind of way. Plus the serial did feature the humans disguising themselves as robots shtick over sixty years before Futurama.

Drake: Look, anyone who was around in the ‘80s knows the answer to this one, and it’s ninjas. I mean, c’mon, those pesky things were everywhere back then. They showed up in movies, Eric Van Lustbader novels and comic books, bouncing around and throwing shuriken with wild abandon. It seemed like you couldn’t walk down the street of any given city without a ninja popping up. Or maybe rollerskating by, as does our hero John in New York Ninja, simultaneously the coolest and dorkiest ninja movie ever made. If you like your ninjas fighting with plastic swords and blinding the bad guys with unbleached flour, then this is the movie for you.

Pirates come in at number two for me. They’re cool and all, but ninjas have that lone wolf appeal. Pirates really have to gather up in big groups to get anything done, and they never, ever roller skate. Honestly kind of a deal breaker right there. Still, Burt Lancaster didn’t have to skate to be cool in The Crimson Pirate, a film that lets Burt and his lifelong friend and former circus partner Nick Cravat fight, swing and tumble their way through the waters of the Caribbean. And if you catch this one, be on the lookout for an appearance by a young Christopher Lee.

Zombies are only cool in the right hands, and those hands usually belong to George A. Romero. The creator of the modern zombie flick, Romero’s Night of the Living Dead is a certified classic. BUT, a decade after that flick, Romero upped his game and gave us the most memorable zombie movie of them all with Dawn of the Dead. A horror movie set in a shopping mall? Brilliant, and a concept that was practically photocopied by Jim Wynorski for his own cult classic (and my pick for a robot flick), Chopping Mall. Killer robots shooting laser beams is always pretty cool, and even more so when you can feature both Kelli Maroney and Barbara Crampton in featured roles.

So there you have it. Ninjas are the coolest. But only because cowboys were shamefully omitted from the list. Even a New York ninja can’t match up to big mustache Kurt Russell.

ZombieDog: I actually put a fair amount of thought is that this question although I had the answer almost right away. The coolest is obviously pirates. All the categories have a flowing definition. With robots we are talking about Robbie the Robot the 1950s to Data from Star Trek, along with everything in between and more. Zombies while not as diverse still have their walking and running varieties. And while I do think ninjas are cool, I only think they’re awesome when they’re being ninjas. Watching them going about their daily life doing the laundry cleaning up after the dog is not that exciting.

The thing about pirates is they can take many forms. Software pirates, 1600AD sea pirates, Capt. Malcolm and his crew from Serenity, and lest we not forget our lovable rogue Han Solo. What I’m saying is the pirate is flexible — in the context of Star Wars, Han Solo is a “smuggler.” Pirates are basically those who live outside the law and by their own codes. When I was thinking of the coolest pirate Johnny Depp automatically pops in. While I think his pirate is pretty good, I still have to go with Capt. Thorpe from The Seahawk (1940), he is everything a pirate should be. He suave, cunning, dangerous, and above all relentless. To me he embodies the man who lives by nobody’s rules but his own.

Best zombie movie is Return of the Living Dead (1985), best robot movie is Nemesis (1992), and best ninja movie is Enter the Ninja (1981).