“I’m a skydiver!”

Justin’s rating: Copper Sparrow? Tungsten Pelican? Steel Seagull? Actually, that last one sounds pretty dope.

Justin’s review: We all know that Iron Eagle was the inferior knock-off of Top Gun, but have you considered that there might be inferior knock-off of Iron Eagle? Well, you’re staring at the 24-point headline at the top of this page, so I think you have some inkling what you’re in for here.

Michael “The Duke” Dudikoff is our crackerjack pilot who’s sent into enemy territory to recover a stealth fighter* that the Libyians stole. This gave me pause — too much pause — to consider how difficult it’s got to be to steal a fighter jet. I mean, this isn’t a Walgreens in San Francisco; it’s not like you can shoplift a billion-dollar jet and stuff it down your jeans.

So how do the bad guys do this? Simple! They sneak into the stealth pilot’s hotel room, knock him out heroically, and replace him with an identical imposter who then makes off with the stealth fighter. You always have to watch out for those evil twins from the Mirror Universe. The Air Force even has a training video about that.

With such a national emergency at hand, it’s time to call in the big guns. And that’s going to be the American Ninja himself! Dudikoff plays Vince Connors, king of the skyways, who spends most of the film firmly on the ground doing the job of spec ops. It’s a good thing that he’s also well-versed in martial arts, motorcycle stunt racing, and Ramboing. Yeah, I’m making it a verb.

I thought it was hilarious that they send Vince in a hugely expensive Blackbird stealth bomber to track down the stolen plane… and the second he lands it in the desert, the enemy shows up to capture that plane too. But he’s not that concerned about it, going so far as to make gooey eyes with Baywatch star Nancy Valen.

Black Thunder** is a military thriller that’s like a buffet at a sketchy place. You load up your plate with fighter jet stock footage, have a few of those fireball explosions on the side, a glob of patriotic music, and Catherine Bell coming to your table to see if you want a drink refill.

And far be it from me to make fun of someone’s weight, but it’s hard to overlook that Dudikoff really let himself go by the late ’90s. That buffet metaphor wasn’t as much of a metaphor as the place where the armed forces probably found Vince for this mission. Vince eventually comes face-to-face with fellow American Ninja martial artist Richard Norton, and a slap fight ensues. Not really. It should have, though.

One does wonder if the filmmakers started with military stock footage and wrote the film around that. It’s not a completely awful time to watch cool jets do cool things, but when every shot in the air is either from the real Air Force or a forced close-up of a pilot’s face, a lot of the believability factor flies out the window. I was hoping for something — anything — to take this to a cult level, but I’m not seeing it.

*It’s not just stealth to radar but to eyeballs, thanks to a Predator-style invisibility screen.

**“Nova” is the name of the stealth plane, while “Black Thunder” is the name of the operation to retrieve it.  I was confused by this too.

Intermission!

• Black Thunder was “remade” as the 2007 Steven Seagal vehicle Flight of Fury. Since this was long after people were watching Seagal, almost nobody noticed.
• But people certainly did notice that this movie reuses footage from Iron Eagle!
• These opening credits hope that you really love wireframe models of fighter jets and patriotic music. Because what’s more 1998 than wireframe models?
• Stealth planes go into stealth with a fancy light show
• The patriotic music returning for the bra unhooking had me roaring with laughter
• Where do they find identical imposters for Air Force pilots?
• The adorable “Stealth Activated” meter on the plane
• Vince’s partner is such a kiss-up dork
• A stealth bomber is a weird pick to insert covert agents into another country
• He’s wearing a Mission Impossible mask!
• Pistols are always more effective than assault rifles… if Michael Dudikoff is using one
• You can land and park an SR-71 in any random desert if you want to hoof it for a while