“Your virtual reality stuff is crap. I’ll show you the real thing!”

Justin’s rating: Ready player zero

Justin’s review: Looking back at the ’90s, I feel slightly betrayed by movies and TV that outright promised all of us that we were on the cusp of some massive leap into virtual reality. From The Lawnmower Man to Virtuosity to some B-movie called The Matrix, it was quite the heady time for fake computer worlds. Of course, none of it really came to be, at least as envisioned here, which is why there’s an added amusement value in going back to movies with such themes.

One of these is Expect No Mercy, the kind of film populated with C-list action stars that never got a theatrical release but would be shoved into video stores as shelf filler. It was led by Billy Blanks, a martial arts trainer who’s perhaps best known for creating those popular Tae Bo tapes everyone bought. He plays Justin Vanier, an agent for the “Federal Security Bureau” who’s tasked with infiltrating an evil terrorist’s business.*

The terrorist in question is Warbeck (Wolf Larson, Hard Ticket to Hawaii), who runs the Virtual Arts Academy. In this highest of tech facility, soldiers are trained with VR to fight against computer opponents in a generic Street Fighter setup. It’s obviously rooms with normal actors trading blows while someone sprinkles in a lot of black outlines and neon sparkle effects in post-production. I was particularly pleased to see that participants can rack up points like this was an Atari 2600 or something.

I admit to being confused by the Virtual Arts Academy as a general concept. It’s one of those places where the ultimate sinister purpose is hidden by a more upstanding front. Except that in this case, it doesn’t make sense that the front for this assassin training facility is an imposing concrete fortress where people go for two years to become martial arts experts. Like, who out there says, “Oh hey honey, I’m heading off for the next 24 months to get really good at jiujitsu at this not-at-all suspicious-looking cult compound! Please don’t forget to feed the cat.”

Justin does make friends with one of the good people at Evil Karate Enterprise, as midriff-baring Vicki (Laurie Holden, Silent Hill) takes him under her wing for training. He also works with fellow undercover agent Eric (Jalal Merhi, TC 2000) to break into the company’s databases and uncover the full conspiracy.

Oddly enough, the virtual reality segments are the least interesting and impactful parts of this movie. They’re a gimmick that didn’t need to be there, as the “real” fighting scenes are more interesting anyway.

I guess the filmmakers were so confident that Expect No Mercy fever would sweep the nation that they commissioned a fighting video game on Windows 3.1. As you will no doubt be surprised to hear, this was subsequently described as “the worst fighting game of all time” by those unfortunate souls who tried it.

While there’s a smattering of silly scifi and a few flashy martial arts fights, Expect No Mercy is hard to recommend. Blanks is a low-budget Wesley Snipes, delivering wooden one-liner after wooden one-liner. He’s got the physicality for the role, sure, but he still owes me $18.95 for that Tae Bo tape that most definitely did not transform me into a lean, fit Karate Kid. Is it petty to dock him and his silly military haircut for that? Probably, but I’m a petty reviewer.

*In contrast to all of the good terrorists out there.

Intermission!

• Woo look at those PlayStation 1-era computer graphics over the opening credits! Virtual worlds have never looked so flat and fakey!
• Mercs never use stairs when they can jump over railings.
• Mercs also bring their pet lizards on missions… give it a kiss for good luck!
• “That’s one smooth dude!”
• If you’re a bodyguard and your employer is killed with a whip/neck snap while you’re skygazing, you need a better line of work
• All martial arts are more effective if you make silly noises while kicking and punching
• If you have a gun, just shoot once before dropping it to engage in martial arts
• The feds practice wrestling while holding loaded pistols
• Surprise throwing knife to the throat!
• Flipping a baseball cap backwards = going undercover
• I don’t think you’d want to have computer sex in a public room that’s being monitored by a half-dozen techs
• Every evil guy fortress has at least one ill-lit room where people are randomly training and waving deadly weapons around
• Pistol crossbows are very effective for tranqs