” Thank God for Black ‘n’ Decker!”

Justin’s rating: In this movie, the bad guys wear white and the good guys black. What, is this Star Wars?

Justin’s review: While cults have existed well before and certainly after the ’70s, I always got an impression that this decade was a hotbed of loonies leading other loonies off the cliffs of sanity. So I’m totally willing to buy into the key threat of Force: Five, which is a crazy cult leader who hires karate experts who wear their cute outfits all the time, has a minotaur-like maze in his compound, chops off people’s legs, and knows ancient arts of needle torture.

It’s too bad his cult isn’t more interesting,. All they do are some light arts and crafts, listen to nonsense lectures, and spend their days lounging in long white robes. Personally, I would have doubts about following a guy who’s really into confetti and has bodyguards with necks larger than their heads.

Force: Five is the sort-of remake of Hot Potato, which itself was the sequel to my beloved Black Belt Jones, takes a dim view to secret murder cults. A guy named Stark wants to rescue a girl trapped in the Celestial Temple — the aforementioned cult which does some drug and gun smuggling on the side — so he recruits a team of five skilled hand-to-hand fighters to get her out. Because who needs guns when you can judo chop?

I love that when we’re introduced to each of these characters, they’re in the middle of some sort of impromptu battle. Does this mean that they’re constantly getting into fights six, seven times a day? That’s got to get exhausting. At least they’re on top of their game for when they get drafted into a rescue mission on a secret island lair.

But before they get to the lair, they have a warm-up mission, which is to bust out a chopper pilot from a prison in Ecuador. They get there so fast and easy that it might as well have been in Los Angeles’ Little Ecuador. Is there a Little Ecuador, you ask? Eh, you’re too lazy too fact-check my lie, so just go with it. It’s not like this movie is fact-checking the number of people in the rescue squad, which ends up being one more than five.*

This Dirty Half-Dozen B-Team is positively enthusiastic about kicking, punching, body slamming, and even stabbing foes like they’re in a reality show where they’ve got to prove how amazing martial artists they are or else they’ll be voted off the island. Quite literally in this case, I guess. This is definitely old-school martial arts, where they crank up the punch and kick sound effects to an almost obnoxious degree.

Nobody’s going to argue that Force: Five is anything approaching a good action movie, but it is a highly enthusiastic one that specializes in over-the-top ridiculous moments. After all, what can you expect from director Robert Clouse, who’s given us a wealth of amazing martial arts flicks including the aforementioned Black Belt Jones, Enter the Dragon, Gymkata, and China O’Brien?

I think the big idea here is that if one really great martial arts star could make a film, why not throw five of them at viewers for five times the impact? That doesn’t quite work out as well as hoped, because none of these five could carry the film on their own — they’re actual martial artists but fairly poor actors. “Not everyone can be Bruce Lee” is the lesson we learn again and again.

Truly, the core issue with Force: Five is that it isn’t enough. It’s not truly bad enough to be a classic so-bad-it’s-good film like Gymkata, although it certainly has some hilariously ridiculous moments. And it’s certainly not enough of a great martial arts film despite stacking the cast full of some of the top fighters at the time.

It’s fine and probably increases in value the more associates that you can dogpile on this. But it really needed about 500% more minotaur and 100% less sappy cult drama.

*Six.

Intermission!

• You too can be a cult leader if you are really good at getting people to chant “LOVE! LOVE!” while raising their hands
• He’s got a full-on MAZE in his compound? Like Dungeons & Dragons? This guy is the coolest cult leader ever!
• The bad guy here is the same martial arts bad guy from that kung fu spoof in Kentucky Fried Movie
• Aww a playful little nose boop
• Stark’s van is pretty tricked-out
• Driving through plate-glass windows ain’t no serious thing
• That is one giant star necklace — that’s a deadly throwing star!
• “When I win, I laugh. When I lose, I cry.”
• She’s got a toucan as a pet? Cool.
• The wishboning scene… ouch: “Make a wish.”
• Stop throwing ninja stars at Bruce Lee’s poster!
• The prison breakout is amazing, from firehoses to the face to guys being kicked slow-motion through huge windows to guys jumping all over bars.
• That’s the swankiest prison cell
• Nothing impresses US senators more than light pottery making
• What’s with the gigantic confetti? That can’t be fun to clean up after.
• Wait, he hasn’t even performed his first miracle yet? What a lazy messiah.
• Wow that tent nudity came out of nowhere, didn’t it?
• Just keep all the night scenes nearly impossible to see, that won’t be an issue for a motion picture
• “I’m afraid I’m going to step on something… slimy!”
• I have so many questions about this bull. Does it spend every day running around this maze? How did they get it to hate people this much? Who cares for it?
• Oh hey, it’s the corpse room. Nice and unrefrigerated.
• Little butt pat of encouragement
• I like the guy who just drops out of a tree to attack. Hope he wasn’t waiting there long.
• Dang, he rams that guy’s head back so hard it just… explodes
• “F___ you (Korean)” is the weirdest subtitle I’ve seen all year