“It’s going to make a man out of you. Really. So stiffen your resolve.”

Justin’s rating: I just want his backyard pool. Can they make a movie about that romance?

Justin’s review: I suppose there’s something alluring about romances with a slightly forbidden angle. It gives people a reason to tut-tut them while being quietly fascinated, I guess. And there were several movies in the ’80s that were all about capitalizing upon slightly unconventional pairings, especially in the age department.

This brings us to My Tutor, a film that you can deduce pretty much every major plot point from the title, especially once you realize that it’s from Crown International Pictures. But if you need it spelled out for you, here goes.

Bobby (Matt Lattanzi, sporting a noticeably soft and high voice) is on the cusp of going to Yale, but when he flunks his final in French, his future is suddenly at risk. His dad, who’s been pulling all sorts of strings to get him into an Ivy League, pays 30-year-old Terry (Caren-with-a-C Kaye) a lot of money to improve his French so that he can take a re-do.

Incidentally, Bobby is absolutely girl-crazy but is incredibly shy, which sends him and his brother Jack (Crispen Glover, believe it or not) on a hunt for women around town — a hunt that always ends in some form of embarrassment. During this, I was mostly fascinated by Glover’s incredibly odd preppie outfits and sandy brown hair.

So you can kind of see where this is going: Sooner or later, Bobby and Terry are going to make with the smoochies. There will be passion! There will be studying! There will be peeping from a distance! There will be mud wrestling! There will be an abuse of pool rules! There will be action-packed scooter rides! There will be awkward birthday party dancing!

It’s not quite that lurid of a romance as the setup might want to make it out to be. Terry kind of looks and sounds like a younger Carol Brady, and I suppose that checks someone’s box. Bobby also nurses a crush on unbelievably cute Bonnie (Amber Denyse Austin, Neon Maniacs), who honestly should’ve been the lead romantic interest.

The problem here is that My Tutor is really two films — and they don’t fit together well at all. One is a Porky’s wanna-be sex comedy (without much comedy, I should note). The other is a slightly sweet if shallow romantic fantasy about a summer fling that probably has been sitting in the screenwriter’s mind since middle school. So these 96 minutes jerk back and forth between the two without finding a good balance or success in either arena.

Other than seeing the tweed origin story of Crispen Glover, there’s not much reason to drift into this after school special territory.

Intermission!

• ’80s leotard workout outfits galore
• Crown International Films always have the dorkiest, cheesiest, and most amazing theme songs that never leave your head
• Crispen Glover is rocking that bowtie
• “I’m about to win rookie of the year!”
• “Say your prayers boy, you’re about to meet Jesus.”
• I think she’s going to have to get a restraining order on you, dude
• You can valet a scooter, but should you?
• Taking a finance call shouldn’t stop you from trying to convince your ex from getting back together
• The daydream sequences are… odd
• That is one very thick Japanese accent
• “Computer chips! Computer chips! That’s the future!” He’s not wrong
• “Come on, nobody’s named Bif!”
• He’s a third-degree black belt in waving his arms around
• “A modern relationship, I like it.”
• The car wheel going over the cop’s head is a nice moment
• Freeze frame jump ending!