“You’re a walking Chuck Norris movie, and I’m not waiting until you’re out on VHS.”

Justin’s rating: The devil drinks Coke Classic, noted.

Justin’s review: What would you give up for a ticket to the good life? You’d think that most people would draw the line at a soul, but not Bradley (Steve Levitt), a dweebish computer programmer who isn’t above taking shortcuts with his life — even if it puts him in eternal peril. It sounds as though his job is dreaming up random programs that might sell well to a society that was still in the technological dark ages.

When a desperate wish ends up putting Bradley in touch with “Dr. D,” he’s given the option to transform into the type of guy he’s always wanted to be. Think muscles. Think perfect chiseled jaw. Think indestructible with self-cleaning teeth and odor-free sweat.* Think irresistible to women. Think kung fu expert. Think super strength. And to help him get over the jitters of becoming an eternal servant of hell, Bradley is allowed to test drive his “hunk” body for the summer before deciding whether or not to keep it.

Figuring he’s got nothing to lose by trying, Bradley gladly becomes Hunk Golden, played by John Allen Nelson of Killer Klowns from Outer Space.** Suffice to say, everything goes extremely well for him, and he finally starts fitting in with the shallow yuppie crowd that he weirdly idolizes.

On top of this, Hunk starts to fall for a mysterious lady in red — O’Brien (Deborah Shelton), who turns out to be an agent of Dr. D with her own mission. Oh, and she’s also a licensed sorcerer. And she disguises herself as Hunk’s psychiatrist “Sunny” for… some… reason?

Despite all of the women throwing themselves at him, Hunk only seems to have something real with O’Brien (who was a Viking princess, but that’s a story for another scene). The thing is that she might be both his best ally and worst enemy.

As Hunk rises in prominence, Dr. D leans on him to help recruit more demons for hell including Ivan the Terrible and Jack the Ripper. This requires some time traveling, because this premise isn’t weird enough. The danger here goes beyond Bradley’s soul — if he continues to work for Dr. D, he’s assured to be the one who triggers World War III.

One gets the feeling that the writers were throwing everything at the script without any editorial oversight. And I’m actually cool with that, because if you’re some small indie project without a huge budget, an imagination is one of the only things that can set you apart.

Hunk’s biggest strengths are its surprisingly wide array of ideas and a genuinely likable lead character. Hunk/Bradley is a nice guy at heart, and even his transformation doesn’t corrupt him the way I thought it would. There’s little doubt what he’ll do in the end, but it is interesting to see how he has the ability to turn his devilish colleague from the dark side.

Unfortunately, the good acting stops at him, O’Brien, and the devil, leaving us to suffer through comedic over-acting by the rest of the cast. People who can’t act trying their hand at comedy are seriously the worst. Always have been, always will be.

The strange thing about this film is that it feels like you’re watching someone else’s fantasy, but not necessarily any that you’ve ever had yourself. Perhaps it played more into the extreme superficiality of the ’80s, but it’s not like Bradley/Hunk does anything worthwhile with his transformation such as become a superhero.

There are so many nonsensical twists that go along with this setup, such as a late-film revelation that geek Bradley is in hell even though Hunk is clearly shown to be a transformed Bradley with Bradley’s mind and soul still inside of him.

Anyway, he just kind of flirts with women, frets about his computer programming assignment, gets super-popular, and spends way too much time trying to convince his shrink that his ridiculous situation is true. There’s no real conflict, since he can back out of this faustian deal any time before the end of summer and has 100% assurance that he’s literally going to hell if he doesn’t.

I’ve rarely seen an ’80s movie that looks like the ’80s the way pop culture remembers it. Memphis Design is all over the place here, as are countless references to yuppies. Even the outfits are ’80s excess in the goofiest ways. Hunk was far more entertaining than I expected from Crown International, but not enough to ever want to see more than once.

*I’m not making that up.

**He really reminds me of a beefier Martin Short, especially in his demeanor.

Intermission!

• This was Brad Pitt’s first on-screen role (in a single scene), which you can see in the above picture.
• Speaking of bizare connections, the art director on this film, Catherine Hadwicke, would go on to direct Twilight.
• I remember those stripey towels!
• Does every Crown International Pictures start with a shower scene?
• The bubble cutouts for the daydreams is so comic strip that it hurts
• “The Yuppie Program”
• Those are the biggest triangle and rectangle earrings
• How do you know you’re in the ’80s? Everyone’s playing Trivial Pursuit.
• These yuppies are insanely obnoxious, but “there was an aura to their arrogance.” Whatever that means.
• He stonewashed his clothes?
• The mermaid girl doesn’t look that happy
• He really went overboard with the balloons and streamers for his party
• It’s hard to find a decent place to live in hell
• Hypodermic pen
• He named his own penis “Oscar?”
• “You’ll never go back, nobody does.”
• Eating all you want and never gaining weight sounds amazing
• The mermaid sticking her tongue out at the guy got a real laugh out of me
• “So how was the catch of the day?”
• “The devil is a doctor?”
• The devil sunk Atlantis
• “A time traveling satanic salesperson!”
• “I finally met a beautiful woman and she wants me to bomb Pearl Harbor.”
• “Number One, Garrison, your fly is open!”
• This TV producer is bloodthirsty
• No shocker that the devil is a fan of the Nazis
• The Gaylord poster is seriously creepy
• “Newsweak” “Tame” magazines
• Free chainsaw? Cool? I guess?
• “No, I’ve already been asked to be put on the state flag of Hawaii…”
• People wearing beach clothes and swimsuits seem really perturbed at being squirted with a hose
• The Hunk action figure made me laugh
• Bradley escaped from hell somehow
• “You’re running as a miniseries on Demon TV.”
• The devil will wash your back in the shower
• And now it’s time for Wacky Sorcerer Power Hour!
• I love that one of the posters for this film advertises that Hunk is available on laserdisc. I feel deep sorrow for the person who dropped $70 for a Hunk laserdisc.