“Shawn? I didn’t expect to see you back in here so soon”

Drake’s rating: Let’s just file this one under “Movies that wouldn’t get made today”

Drake’s review: So, this movie. Yeah, this just might not have aged too well. But even at the time, you were kind of giving Hiding Out the side-eye. After all, the basic idea behind it is fairly ludicrous. Not the “stockbrokers moving mob money” part, by the way. That bit is totally believable. No, it’s the rest of the movie, the other 80 minutes or so, that really stretch the bounds of credibility. And unfortunately veer into the “Well, that’s kind of icky” at the movie’s end.

So, a quick recap. What we have here is Andrew Morenski (Jon Cryer, Pretty in Pink), a 29-year-old stockbroker who has accidentally become involved with the mob. The FBI get involved and put him into protective custody, but that goes predictably wrong, and Andrew ends up on the run.

He flees to a small town in Delaware where his aunt lives, looking to lay low. Attempting to better hide from the mob assassins, Andrew shaves off his fake beard, cuts his hair and gives it a pseudo-punk look. Now looking a good decade younger, if the movie is to be believed, Andrew goes to the high school where his aunt works as a nurse, and he is mistaken for a student. Rolling with that idea, Andrew enrolls as a transfer student, taking the name Maxwell Hauser.*

OK, so we all know where this is going, right? Andrew goes back to school and antics ensue as he clashes with teachers, wins the heart of the student population and, most disturbingly, gets crushed on by Ryan (Annabeth Gish, Mystic Pizza).

Now Ryan, as portrayed by authentic teen Gish (she was 16 at the time) is portrayed as being intelligent and inquisitive, and is immediately drawn to Andrew/Max’s own unique take on things. And to be fair, Andrew himself does for the most part keep her at an arm’s length distance. Still, an attraction grows between the two, which is just… ick.

Let me put it this way: You’ve all seen Dazed and Confused, right? If you haven’t, stop reading this right now, go watch it and come back. Trust me, it’s worth it.

But my point is, Andrew is the same age as Pink and Slater and Benny. Heck, he’s the same age as Ben Affleck’s O’Bannion! Now imagine any of those guys trying to blend in and act like a high school student ten years later. Worse yet, imagine any of them going on a date with a teenager without the evening ending in a justifiable arrest.

And to top it off…

OK, hold on. I don’t usually do this, especially for a movie that’s nearly 40 years old, but here’s a spoiler space.

Still here? This is your last warning. I’m going to give up the ending after this.

OK, assuming you haven’t understandably wandered off by now, here’s the big finale: After going into witness protection, Andrew ends up with an entirely new identity and goes back to college for a teaching degree… at the same school Ryan is going to! That’s right, instead of realizing that Ryan’s crush was the product of teen hormones combined with a mistaken identity, Andrew doubles down and reinserts himself into her life. Now obviously a difference in ages is not a deal-breaker in a relationship, but Ryan is still a teen and Andrew is almost 30. That’s got to be the stuff a parent’s nightmares are made of.

The only reason Hiding Out works at all is due to the fact that Jon Cryer is the lead. Twenty-two at the time, Cryer still looks young, and his film roles had primarily been the harmless but plucky friend types, and so he gives the role of Andrew just a smidge of leeway. But think of Rob Lowe, only a year older than Cryer, in the part and the alarm bells immediately go off. Or heck, think of either Val Kilmer or Vincent D’Onofrio as Andrew, both of whom were authentically 29 at the time. Now I’ve creeped you out, haven’t I?

Hiding Out is a definite product of the ‘80s, and specifically a brief few years in that decade when age-dilemma comedies were in vogue. You had Rodney Dangerfield going back to college, Tom Hanks getting old, and Kathleen Turner going back in time to relive her own high school drama.

And I just remembered that man/child Tom Hanks had a relationship with Elizabeth Perkins in Big, didn’t he? Correct me if I’m wrong, since I only saw the film once and didn’t care for it at all, but if that’s the case then Hiding Out is only the second ickiest film in the bunch.

Wow, the ‘80s were even weirder than I remember. I’ve really got to get my ‘70s movies lists in legible order again.

*Because he blanks on a name and takes it from a can of coffee. Andrew’s lucky the school didn’t buy Folgers.

Intermission!

• The mob assassin is wearing black gloves! Maybe he thinks he’s in a Giallo.
• Even with a full beard, Andrew gets ID’d when he tries to buy alcohol. Get it? He looks young, everyone!
• That’s some fairly squib-tastic violence for what’s ostensibly a teen comedy.
• I don’t think Patrick’s going to pass Driver’s Ed.
• Mandatory ‘80s skating rink date.
• Maxwell is supposed to be a senior and he’s still in gym class? Most of us figured out how to blow that off after freshman year.
• No, Andrew! Don’t kiss Ryan! Bad Andrew! Bad!!!
• I don’t recall school elections being this popular. Or even being noticed.
• Man, if I’m Ryan’s dad I’m getting her to transfer to another college. Maybe one in Hawaii.