“We could get it from its parents, but they’re carnivores the size of an F-16.”

Justin’s rating: Would Professor X allow these mutants into his school? Because I would see the heck out of that film.

Justin’s review: If you had told me in 1993 that there would be six sequels to Jurassic Park by 2025, I promise you that my first question would be if any of them were good. And what’s the honest answer to that? A shrug and “a couple were OK?” That’s a pretty sad success rate for that many high-budget films based on an insanely popular IP.

Jurassic World Rebirth isn’t going to change the franchise math here. It’s… OK. Definitely a far shot better than the atrocious Fallen Kingdom, but the best I can say about it is that it feels like a more expensive Jurassic Park III. I mean, it is! Another group of mercenaries and a family (with a kid!) trekking across an island full of unrestrained dinos. Another river sequence, another bunch of flying murdersaurs, and another attempt to get off an island that nobody should’ve gone to in the first place.

I guess everything’s spinning down from the previous movies, because even though dinosaurs got out into the world, they’re all dying off and nobody cares about them any more. This is, of course, completely unbelievable and a hell of a thing to say in a dinosaur movie viewed by a whole bunch of people that obviously care about even pretend dinos. It’s stupidly cynical.

Anyway, a DEFINITELY NOT EVIL company* hires a team of good-natured mercs to go to one of the few islands left with dinos and get blood from three large species in order to make some sort of life-saving — and profitable — medicine. Meanwhile, there’s this family that’s sailing around the world and gets capsized by some angry water dinos** so that the mercs pick them up and bring them along for this nightmare trek to prehistoric hell. Maybe call the Coast Guard next time?

After way, way too long, everyone gets to the island, and the two groups split up into their own movies for a while. It’s here that Rebirth attempts to pick up some steam again, thanks to the visual direction of director Gareth Edwards (Rogue One, The Creator). Probably the best sequence happens in the middle with the franchise favorite T. Rex stomping after some frantically paddling people in the most indestructible raft I’ve ever seen.

While Edwards and his team really sell the idea of a dino-populated island as being inherently terrifying, he misses the boat (so to speak) on making any characters that we care about. I’ve noticed that this is kind of a running trend in his movies: Amazing visuals, paper-thin characters.

The mercs are largely likable and obviously modeled on Aliens’ crew — as is the overall plot of the film — but they’re practically extinct in the personality department. The biggest misfire is pushing Scarlett Johansson into the lead as this supposedly tough-as-nails mercenary who never once does anything that heroic. But again, I blame that more on the director and writer than the actor.

I will say that I completely blame the incredibly excessive product placement — SNICKERS! ALTOIDS! — on the studio. Bad studio! Diabetes is the real enemy here!

Some parts are good, and at least I didn’t really hate any of the people along for this trip. The family has a major slathering of plot armor, with the little girl*** getting a double dose. I was never once in doubt that she would make it to the end credits, because can you imagine the backlash if a summer blockbuster flick had a raptor bite a seven-year-old clean in half? If this franchise goes to an eighth film, I think there needs to be a moratorium against featuring any kids.

Jurassic World Rebirth is not a terrible time, but it feels like yet another squandered opportunity to make something interesting out of this franchise. The wonder and awe are loooooong gone, leaving us with a horror movie that’s populated by stompy mutants. Now, as a mutant, I appreciate the representation, but I think that dinosaurs are sufficiently fascinating without having to invent super-ugly new ones.

*Sorry, that was misleading. In the Jurassic Park series, all companies are the evilest that have ever existed.

**No, I’m not going to mention any dinosaurs by name because I’m not the dino expert in my house — that would be my eldest, who had a blast spotting all of the different species here.

***Who is definitely Dora the Explorer right down to her backpack and faithful jungle animal friend, and I wasn’t the only person thinking it.