“Operation: Kick Butt is about to commence. Synchronize watches.”

Justin’s rating: This is the type of movie where a frustrated adult will yell at least once, “They’re just kids! Kids!”

Justin’s review: When was it that I stopped being enamored with kids movies where the youths get one up on the adults? Probably when I started calling them “youths” like an old fart. What I can say is that by the time 3 Ninjas came out in 1992, I was slightly too old for this sort of thing, so it didn’t embed itself into my childhood the way it did others.

But there has to be something here worth seeing, considering that this movie kickstarted* a franchise that spanned four movies and a video game adaptation before all was said and done.

Directed by Jon Turteltaub (Cool Runnings), 3 Ninjas tells the story of a trio of extremely Caucasian kids who are raised by their Japanese grandfather (Victor Wong, Big Trouble in Little China) to be amazing ninjas. I strongly suspect that this man is actually a stranger who killed the mom and dad in a mugging and then ended up saddled with three children and no parenting manuals. Yeah, let’s train kids to be assassins! Kill for pay, little Timmy, for that’s the only way!

(OK, so we find out later that they’re just hanging out with their grandfather for the summer, but let me have this.)

If nothing else, 3 Ninjas is a fun exercise in “spot the stunt double,” because the second the masks or hoods go on, everyone seems to get a whole lot more agile. And as much as it pains my credibility to admit it, there’s some pretty fun stunt work and fight scenes. Probably more actual fighting than in the entirety of the Karate Kid series.

This is a total child fantasy of a film, where every kid’s wildest dreams of being secretly amazing is on full display. And why get all that training if you didn’t get to use it on some buffoonish bad guy? I know I was always disappointed when I took Taekwondo that my opportunity to fight Shredder and the Foot Clan never happened.

Yet for Rocky, Colt, and Tum Tum**, their time comes when a bad guy named Snyder (Rand Kingsley) is being chased by the kids’ FBI dad and thinks that he can gain leverage by kidnapping the children. He would probably fare better if he stole three honey badgers and then stuffed them down his pants.

After all, we know that children in such films are completely invincible adult-murdering machines. I honestly felt sorry for Snyder, despite his slicked-back hair and obvious Steven Seagal worship. He does employ a trio of buffoonish surfer dudes to be stooges, so I hope you enjoy a lot of lingo that sounds exactly like they binge watched the Bill and Ted movies a few dozen times before showing up on set.

I found it kind of hilarious that the kids kept talking about “ninja” as if this was some sort of incredibly honorable profession of superheroes instead of cowardly killers who hid their faces so they wouldn’t be tied to the scene of the crime. But that’s what mutant turtles did to our thinking in the ’90s.

You have to admit that this was a shrewd idea to mix the national ninja obsession and Home Alone with backwards baseball caps. There’s even a bit of California suburban BMX action for the E.T. crowd. But unless you grew up with this as your go-to sleepover rental, this is going to come across as a cartoonish Disney kid flick without much to recommend for the adults.*** Maybe you could view it as a time capsule of what adults thought kids thought was cool back then?

*Hii-yah!

**Those are their secret ninjas names, and I am not going to devote more brain cells to also learning the real names for fictional characters from a children’s movie.

***If you have to see this, check out the international version with more violence and less cartoony sound effects. Yes, it actually exists.

Intermission!

• This film was made for $2.5M and actually became one of the most profitable movies of the decade with a $29M haul. Any movie earning 10 times its budget today would be amazing. Note that none of its three sequels did remotely that well.
• The title prompts me to correct the writers — any numbers less than 10 needs to be spelled out. So this should be Three Ninjas.
• Wait, their grandpa wakes them up a different way every day? That’s got to be exhausting for all involved.
• These kids actually look like they know a thing or two about karate
• Did you just throw sharp ninja throwing stars at your grandfather’s head?
• DISAPPEARING FLASH POWDER
• “Next time try attacking in a non-smoking section!”
• Doing an elbow smash right on top of mortars seems ill-thought-out
• If you ever wanted to see a bunch of FBI fight a bunch of ninjas, here you go
• The attack dummy with eyes that light up amused me with his little battle scar
• “I won’t eat dog poop!”
• Super Mario Bros 3!
• The mom alert — how does that work? And that is the smallest indoor trampoline ever.
• Oh no! It’s the Backwards Hat Gang! And ninja basketball!
• What mom encourages her son to go through her husband’s FBI case file?
• How good is this tin can phone system? It seems like it gets better reception than my cell phone.
• And now the portion of the movie where we completely ape Home Alone, complete with the hands against the cheeks
• “Don’t you just hate us?”
• CDs can be used as throwing stars, true fact
• “Instant diarrhea!”
• Could that girl turn around any slower?
• “Hold your fire!” as my father-in-law comes charging at a whole team of keyed-up FBI agents dressed as a ninja while carrying a sword
• “Starvation” is the first thing you should worry about when kidnapped
• “Be friendly to your environment, that’s the ninja way.”
• The nunchuck guy accidentally taking out his pals while showing off got a laugh out of me
• Oh you best stay for the end credit rap: “POWER OF THE KIDS! KID POWER!”