“That’s a major S.A. — Stud Alert!””

Justin’s rating: An entire generation of illegitimate children were born as a result of this film’s events

Justin’s review: It seemed like every other college or teen movie in the ’80s was going on spring break to Florida. Don’t know why, that was just the thing to do. It made sense to me, at least, as our family would go to my grandpa’s house near Tampa at least once a year, so Florida’s always been in my mind as a place where you go for a little while to get away from it all.

And so it is for four college coeds (who are all clearly over 30) — Carole (Lorna Luft, Grease 2), Jennie (Lisa Hartman, Beverly Hills Cowgirl Blues), Sandra (Wendy Schaal, Innerspace), and Laurie (Lynn-Holly Johnson, For Your Eyes Only) — who head down to Ft. Lauderdale for parties, beach fun, and guy scoping. Oh, and they brought Dave, their blow-up doll who is their security blanket.

That’s all the depth that Where the Boys Are ’84 has to offer. Each of the girls is a slight variation on boy-crazy, going about the week making friends and getting involved with assorted subplots not really worth mentioning. I mean, there’s a “Conan” guy who’s not who he appears to be, a rich musician snob, an aspiring band trying to get a gig, a dull classical concert, time in the lock-up, and a jilted boyfriend stalking his ex. It’s really a lazy screenwriter’s mad libs at play.

Pay attention and you might even spot Happy Gilmore’s Christopher McDonald as one of the band members carrying a camera around most of the time while making a “documentary.”

You know how there are all those ’80s movies where overly amorous boys spend an hour-and-a-half ogling bikini-clad girls on the beach and drooling over them? This is exactly that, just completely gender-swapped. It’s the same exact tone with a, erm, female gaze in a way that feels a little less believable. Yet it’s a girl movie in the middle of a decade starving for them, so I’m not going to begrudge the effort.

These gals are kind of shallow and ditzy, but the foursome happen to be a likable enough group to hang out with for 90 minutes. They’re probably are more restrained than you might assume from this genre. Most of the film is the group bouncing between hotel rooms, parties, bars, and the beach with no greater purpose in mind than to pursue various guys. They also make out with Dave the Doll… until he pops.

Instead of titillation, this more of a party flick starring The ’80s. In a way, you can tilt your head and view this as a vacation movie back to a much different era — an era in which Ft. Lauderdale used to be a spring break vacation destination, and where swimsuits and sunglasses used to come in all sorts of bizarre styles.

Where the Boys Are ’84 is a mindless, fluffy, and forgettable experience. Director and producer Allan Carr couldn’t land a third teen hit after Grease and Grease 2, as this fizzled something hard. It’s too bad it’s not more fun, because in a better world, it would’ve hit all the right marks as a girl’s night out.

Off the top of my head, I can point to a few other low-budget ’80s movies that hit these notes better, such as The Beach Girls, Computer Beach Party, or State Park.

Intermission!

• An unflinching look at a college dorm room in 1984 looks… pretty standard, honestly
• Those are the creepiest eye protectors
• When you go to the restroom, is it “tinkle” or “pee-pee?”
• Gas station bathroom with no door needs guarding
• “It’s a supermarket of sex!”
• That hotel is so trashed
• “Why don’t we call the front desk and get some Lysol.” “That guy’s probably drinking it as we speak.”
• “No one’s more pretentious than we are.”
• She brought a blow-up guy? It’s Dave!
• Guy with the giant snake on the beach
• That was some pretty deft police avoidance
• “We there yet?”
• The electric piano of love-in-the-making
• “They actually took my mug shot without any jewelry on!”
• “You don’t remember the striptease? The accident?”
• Dude, don’t kiss your mom on the mouth
• “Hi Skipper, where’s Gilligan?”
• “Jail changed her!” “For the better!”
• “He doesn’t have herpes, just kiss him.”
• The sad demise — and funeral — of Dave
• I did not expect to see a tri-plane in this flick, I can tell you
• “I’ll see you in small claims court.”
• The parade of boats and jet skis heading over to a rich mansion for an impromptu party might be the only truly funny thing here
• “Make it ring and I’ll never eat another Godiva chocolate as long as I live.”
• Focusing so much time on a classical piano concert was really a choice for this film, wasn’t it?
• Dueling Jenny songs? Gag me with a spoon, I’m sure!