“Now you listen to me: Under no circumstance is this ‘Mr. Rogers’ to leave that town.”

Drake’s rating: No Winter Soldier, no Black Widow, and no Falcon. But we do get a cat.

Drake’s review: I wasn’t going to review this one. Honestly, after 1979’s Captain America I was ready to move on and once again happily dive into that ever-reliable 1970s cinematic trash heap in search of my next review, and foist the sequel off on another unsuspecting Mutant* come Mutant Swap week. But when I eagerly walked into Justin’s office with a list of Jesús Franco movies in one hand and a handful of Jean Rollin titles in the other, he just shook his head.

He’d inquired where I’d found that first flick when I turned in the Captain America review, and I foolishly told him that I had the two titles on DVD. I assumed he could find someone, anyone, who also had the disc, and they could undertake reviewing the second film, but no. It turns out, after an exhaustive search, that I had the only copy. Not the only copy among the Mutants, mind you, but the only copy on the North American continent.

Hmm. I’m not sure how “exhaustive” that search really was. I’m thinking Justin might have just called that last Blockbuster store in Bend, Oregon, and when they stopped laughing he just shrugged his shoulders and foisted the sequel off on me.

Nevertheless, I wasn’t going to argue with him. Especially since he was busy refinishing his Mutant Thwack Stick™. So here I am, reluctantly reviewing Captain America II: Death Too Soon instead of Zombie Lake or Two Undercover Angels. Which no doubt raises cheers among some in the Mutant Reviewers’ readership, but it’s left me irascible. And snippety. And also hungry, but that’s just because someone stole my lunch out of the refrigerator in the Mutant Lounge.

So how is this one? Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. First off, the good news: Christopher Lee is the villain this time around! And now for the bad news: He’s not playing the Red Skull. Or even Baron Zemo. Heck, he’s not even Batroc the Leaper. No, he’s… Miguel. That’s it, just Miguel. And Miguel is a dreadfully uninspiring baddie. He kidnaps a scientist, then uses that scientist’s secret formula, which causes rapid aging, to threaten the city of Portland, Oregon.**

Which is honestly really uncool, Miguel. Portland’s a weird little city that never hurt anyone. Go pick on Chicago, or Philadelphia. Heck, just hatch a plot to make the Eagles lose a playoff game and Philly will burn itself down.

But, no, Miguel has his heart set on Portland and so he sets up shop in the Pacific Northwest, using a prison as his base of operations to work his villainous plot. Of course, the Northwest of Captain America II looks nothing like the real Northwest. In fact, it all looks distinctly Southern Californian because there’s no way this flick had the budget to even take a bus ride north. And having lived in both areas, I can tell you that one does not look like the other.

Still, Cap gets some cool moments in this one. He beats up a gang that’s stealing Social Security checks, chases down a dune buggy on the beach and opens up a wooden crate that any normal man would need a crowbar for. He also paints a portrait of an older woman, and one of his cat. Which really should be named Bucky, but it’s not.

Cap also has a few fights against small mobs, which are nicely choreographed and show off his strengths as a fighter. It’s nothing exceptional, but the action is solid for a ‘70s TV movie and the whole affair stays fairly low-key and kid-friendly. Which it should be, since of all of the Marvel superheroes, Captain America should be one that keeps a younger audience in mind.

He also gets to wear his more traditional costume in the sequel. It looks good, in a spandexy way, but Cap wears his motorcycle helmet the whole time as well. It makes sense, but it also makes his head look big.

On the whole, though, the pluses outweigh the minuses with this one. Reb Brown looks more at ease this time around, and I think he would have really grown into the part if he’d had more time. He’s the ultimate nice guy here, helping out little old ladies and kids, and even if he still lacks Nazis to punch the action is pretty decent. Connie Selleca is in this one as well, just two years before her role in The Greatest American Hero, and she instantly makes this flick more fun.

Honestly, with Cap’s overly lengthy origin and F.L.A.G. being taken care of in the first movie, Captain America II flows much better. It’s easy to see how a series could have developed out of it, if only CBS hadn’t been so worried about becoming a superhero network and pulling the plug on Cap, Spider-Man, and Wonder Woman.

Granted, The Incredible Hulk survived, but that just proves what the jade giant has always said: “Hulk is strongest one of all!”

*There’s a reason I get inter-office hate mail.

**No, it’s cool, Justin. Bend is over 100 miles away from Portland, so the Blockbuster is safe.

Intermission!

• The two Captain America TV movies did introduce some elements that made their way into the comics a few years later. Steve Rogers was given a career as an illustrator, and Cap regularly had a van and a motorcycle in the ‘80s. No cat, though.
• Who’s faster: Cap or Steve Austin (The $6 Million Man, not the wrestler)?
• Aww! Kitty!
• That shield still looks funky flying through the air.
• Some nice stunt bits, but no cars blowing up. Not one! And they call this a ‘70s movie?
• They try to kill Cap with a forklift!
• Yowch! Cap fell off the dam. Might be a good thing he’s wearing that helmet after all.
• That mask is doing a lot of heavy lifting to keep Cap’s identity a secret.
• Cap vs dogs. Makes sense. We’ve established he’s a cat person.
• The Americycle has a hang glider! I’m totally calling that the Ameriglider.
• OK, now I’m wondering if Reb Brown was on the Yor, the Hunter of the Future set when they got stuck and he said, “Guys, this might sound silly, but hear me out. Let’s talk hang gliders…”