“I went to my dad’s wedding, why shouldn’t I go on my mom’s date?”

Justin’s rating: I would watch an entire movie about the cake raffle. It’s gripping stuff.

Justin’s review: How brutal would it be to have to go to the wedding of your ex-spouse? You’d have to be a particularly strong masochist or uncommonly good friends with your former husband/wife to do that. Molly (perpetual TV movie star Gail O’Grady) is probably neither, but she is a hot mess of a single mother who needs a meet cute in the worst way.

And look at that, she bumps into a lounge player at the wedding who’s not a lounge player at all but Jake (Rob Stewart, Killjoys), the ex of the bride. Cue about 20 minutes of front-loaded wackiness as Molly bumbles about like a therapy patient who escaped the treatment center and is spilling her crazy on everyone in sight.

Honestly, Jake is way too good for her. He’s effortlessly charming, a popular sportscaster, drives a motorcycle, supremely confident, and puts on quite the lounge act. I did wish we saw a little more of a flawed person to make him relatable.

There are a few subplots happening as this goes along. Growing Pain’s Alan Thicke wanders into a few scenes as a rival sportscaster, hamming it up as a guy who got an easy paycheck and isn’t that concerned about quality control. Molly’s daughter Sarah shows that she’s both an ongoing fashion disaster and is inexplicably attracted to her complete jerk of a step-brother. Sam, the step-brother, makes me want to yank him out of frame by his Backstreet Boys haircut and give him a dressing down. And, naturally, the newlyweds stew in jealousy at their exes’ newfound romance.

To tell you guys the truth, I have no idea how Two of Hearts ended up on my review list. It wasn’t the formulaic plot, or the straight-laced characters, or the sappy music montages every other scene, or the lack of anything that made me laugh. There is, however, an extended bit concerning a cake raffle and a makeout session while holding said cake. I’m not sure how to interpret that.

What this does have, in spades, is cringe. It’s the cringiest thing I’ve suffered through in a long time. The movie goes out of its way to have Molly and Jake bump into their exes, and every single one of those encounters is unnecessarily awkward. Jake’s ex is continually condescending toward Molly, and Molly’s ex is Major League’s Corbin Bernsen, showing us how far he’s fallen. This all eventually spirals into a — and I’m not kidding — six-way fight between family members at a funeral during the pouring rain. That, I actually laughed at.

Molly also is supposed to be a clumsy, frazzled woman, but O’Grady can’t play that naturally. So every time she goes on a drinking bender or gets a little frazzled, she looks like she’s putting on a show. There’s absolutely no way we’re supposed to take scenes seriously such as her crying in front of a little kid at the vet clinic while talking about how his little dog Sparkie is lonely and needs companionship as an obvious metaphor for her own baggage.*

Two of Hearts isn’t good at all, but it’s not the special kind of so-bad-it’s-mocking-material either. I mean, if Rifftrax did it, I’d watch, but there’s worse stuff out there, especially in the TV movie arena.

*I kept expecting that kid to back away and start yelling for his mom. Would’ve ruined the music montage, though.

Intermission!

• Teen girls did not hear of headphones in 1999
• “I’d hate to look my age.” “You’re 35?”
• It’s movie law that if you’re a vet, your home is populated by at least six pets
• “I want him to vomit with regret!”
• “I was playing the blues. Very dangerous thing.”
• “I took an oath.”
• Ah the old eating-ice-cream-straight-from-the-carton-because-you’re-depressed trope
• Girls find it cute? if you tell them that their legs are probably unshaven
• Way to go for that first kiss
• “Press 1 to speak to a man, press 2 to speak to a woman, press 3 to speak to…” [click] PRESS 3 TO SPEAK TO A WHAT? A DOG? A GIBBON? DR. PHIL?
• Listening to yourself on the radio on time delay is weird
• “My eyes are wide open. A lesson I learned from you and several night nurses.” Wait, what?
• The entire room stops in the middle of a dance to watch them kiss?
• A reminder of life back when we played answering machine tag
• Those are very conservative cheerleader outfits
• CAKE RAFFLE: “One hundred dollars!”
• That’s way more applause than any cake raffle deserves
• Yay, like a six-way fight at a funeral!
• “I’m a surgeon! I need my nose!”
• “You just killed my dad!”
• So. Many. Music. Montages.