“I just want to kick back, and find out who I am.”

Drake’s rating: I’m warning any other Mutants right now, if we do a movie swap this year, the sequel to this one is on the table. You have been warned.

Drake’s review: I didn’t really become a Mutant Reviewer with the express intention of becoming “That ‘70s Guy,” but after you review a few dozen movies made during that decade, it just sort of happens. And then you find yourself reviewing the harmless naughtiness that is H.O.T.S. and having that sneaking suspicion that maybe, just maybe, your boss delved into the 1970s just because he was curious about what made you tick.

But seriously, Justin, Switchblade Sisters? That’s just going a bridge too far.*

So I thought I’d rein it in a bit. Not far enough to leave the ‘70s, of course. That’s just crazy talk. But I decided to find something wholesome from that debauched decade, a bit of filmic fun for the whole family. And what, I ask you, could be more wholesome than Captain America?

Now for those who came in late, Captain America was a character created by the team of Joe Simon and Jack Kirby in late 1940 for Martin Goodman’s Timely Comics. A big, strong superpatriot who is shown punching Hitler on the cover of his debut comic book, Captain America went on to become one of Timely’s best-selling characters. Although Simon & Kirby left the company the following year, the character was a bona fide success, and was subsequently brought back to life in the early 1960s when Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, and Steve Ditko were establishing the foundations for Marvel Comics, the successor to Timely.

Over a decade later, CBS Broadcasting picked up the rights to several Marvel characters with an intent to bring them to the small screen. The Amazing Spider-Man and The Incredible Hulk made their television debuts in 1977 and 1978 respectively, and in 1979 CBS followed that pair up with Captain America.

Unlike the Hulk and Spidey, however, Cap never got a TV series. He only got two television movies, both broadcast in 1979, and then he faded into cinematic obscurity for over a decade. Until Albert Pyun gave him rubber ears in 1990, in fact, and the less said about that, the better.

Still the 1979 Captain America has to be better than Pyun’s flick, right? RIGHT?

Well… look, it’s not horrible, for a 1970s TV movie made on the cheap. And Reb Brown (Space Mutiny) is a pretty inspired choice as the title character. He’s big and blonde, if just a tad soft-spoken, and he does well playing up the innate humility of Steve Rogers, the man destined to become Captain America.

Unfortunately, for a superhero action movie, Captain America is a bit of a snooze.

What you want from a Captain America movie are Nazis (to get punched), a nefarious plot (to overcome) and maybe the Red Skull (Cap’s number one nemesis, who also needs repeated punching). Heck, even if you’re not doing a period piece, give Cap some Nazis to punch. That’s literally what he was created to do.

Instead we get Steve Rogers driving around in his custom van, tooling down the Pacific Coast Highway and selling his art.** But wandering artist Steve soon meets up with an old friend of his father’s and discovers that dear old dad was the inventor of a secret formula that could make the user faster and stronger than before. And he called this secret formula F.L.A.G., short for Full Latent Ability Gain, which is an even less elegant turn of phrase than “Help Out The Seals.”

One not-so-coincidental accident later and Steve is pumped full of F.L.A.G. and ready to kick some Nazi butt.

Unfortunately, he has to settle for a pretty lackluster villain who wants to detonate a neutron bomb, which sounds far more exciting than the movie makes it out to be. Honestly, the action here is pretty standard TV fare and lacks both the acting talent of Bill Bixby, and the sizable presence of Lou Ferrigno. In other words, Captain America is no The Incredible Hulk.

Sure, Steve eventually gets a costume, the requisite shield, and a new custom van. And a red, white and blue motorcycle that is disappointingly never referred to as the Americycle. But there’s no real oomph here. And very little verve. And absolutely no pep. The movie just goes through the requisite origin story beats, adds in a few chase scenes and a helicopter, and hopes you don’t notice how long it takes Steve to become Captain America.

So while I did accomplish my goal of reviewing something wholesome from the ‘70s, I can’t say I have no regrets. After all, I could have been watching Coffy or Race with the Devil or maybe a Paul Naschy flick. But no, I rejected the sleaze and watched Captain America and now just kind of want to jump back into the deep end of the grindhouse pool once again. That’s what this flick has done to me.

Hmm. Maybe it’s time for a Jess Franco marathon…

*Note to self: Review A Bridge Too Far.

**And that might be the MOST ‘70s thing I’ve ever typed.

Intermission!

• Steve is a traveling artist but also a former Marine and an erstwhile motocross champion. The man knows how to stay busy.
• F.L.A.G. could have also stood for “Far-out Lab Accident, Guy!” Or maybe “Fun Little Anabolic Gumbo.” Yeah, I don’t know why Hollywood producers refuse to take my calls either.
• This music is SO Mike Post & Pete Carpenter. They probably scored it while on a lunch break on the set of the Rockford Files.
• By all means, shoot a crucial scene at night, without proper lighting. Let’s just keep this chase scene a secret and not let the audience in on it.
• Oopsy! Cliff! That’s gonna end in a vehicular explosion, because it’s the ‘70s.
• “We can rebuild him. We have the technol…, er, I mean F.L.A.G.!”
• Cap’s shield flying through the air looks like an Ed Wood flying saucer.
• Cap using an oil slick to trip up the baddies because this is now a Three Stooges movie.
• Have to stop the villain because we’re almost through the runtime.
• And they wait until the very end to give him the actual Simon & Kirby costume. I swear, this flick.