“Up there you’re not dying. You’re dead.”

Justin’s rating: Carrying bombs up mountains makes it that much more of an extreme sport!

Justin’s review: When it seems like you’ve run out of the entertaining ’90s movies — and there are so many of them — the good news is that the early 2000s hosted an overflow of very ’90s flicks. Don’t overlook 2000 and 2001 for some holdouts that have a lot more in common with the previous decade than the current one — such as Vertical Limit.

Originally conceived as a screenplay sequel for Cliffhanger, Vertical Limit ended up taking the climbers-as-heroes thing in a different direction. This wasn’t going to be a man vs. man conflict that just so happened to take place on very tall rocks; this was meant to be a man vs. nature thriller where the mountain was the centerpiece.

Speaking of the ’90s, let’s pull out our discount action hero pack. We’ve got Chris “Fourth Muskateer” O’Donnell, Robin “My hair’s in the sink of you want to glue it” Tunney, Bill “Storm Chaser” Paxton, and Scott “Sub Chaser” Glenn all piling into the car for a ride.

O’Donnell and Tunney are Peter and Annie, sibling climbers who had a falling out after a freak accident ended their father’s life.

When a team led by Annie and Paxton’s arrogant rich adventurer Vaughn get trapped by a vicious storm on the side of K2, the second-highest mountain in the world, it’s up to one fading star and his grizzled man-mascot (Glenn) to mount a rescue mission well above 24,000 feet within 36 hours. Fortunately, the script almost never has them shivering, so they don’t have to worry about the cold or anything.

Unlike Cliffhanger’s more bloody, taut, and quotable action flick, Vertical Limit struggles to make a rescue mission quite as compelling. The inevitable comparison between these two movies highlights how Stallone’s vehicle had incredible cinematography, while this one vacillates between some striking scenes, obvious sets, and stock footage.

That’s why I have a hard time getting invested in this movie, because every time I see O’Donnell and company scaling an obviously-not-K2-mountain looking for the trapped climbers, I think, “You fools! They’re not on the mountains, they’re in Hollywood on a studio lot!”

It’s also been pointed out that the math of this rescue is silly stupid. They end up killing more people than saving, an event that was actually predicted in an earlier scene. I mean, at least Robin Tunney lived to see another day, but that’s poor consolation to the deceased’s families.

Both times I’ve watched Vertical Limit, it’s failed to impress me. It’s a little too long, a little too fakey, and suffers in comparison to Cliffhanger in almost every way. Still, I have to acknowledge that it has a bit of “guilty pleasure” smell to it, which does appeal to some. So maybe it has a chance of climbing into your affections even today.

Intermission!

• That title font is so, so early 2000s
• Every climbing movie has to start with a horrible accident so you develop low-grade anxiety over heights for the next two hours
• Dang that drop is a gut punch
• Dang did not need to see that leg break
• “National Geographic is always welcome. They’re the only people who come here who don’t want to conquer something.”
• Scott Glenn is rocking all the facial hair in the world
• Who’s carting up all of those beer mugs and glasses to base camp?
• This movie is brought to you by The North Face
• Those are cool climbing sunglasses
• Oh no, we’re about to be covered by stock footage of an avalanche!
• Yeah if you’re going to cry, cry OUTSIDE. In a crying zone, presumably.
• It’s Deep Space Nine’s Bashir!
• Never has untying shoes been so tense
• Smoking right next to nitro is a boss move
• “I’m trying to kiss my ass goodbye.”
• “Frankly, I’d rather climb with the sheila.”
• Oh no! The helicopter model is having a hard time flying this high!
• Shoulder wound by helicopter blade is pretty boss
• Theological conversations are best reserved for mountaintop experiences
• STEALTH AVALANCHE
• Yay! It’s finger breaking time!
• Surprise bomb during teatime!
• Oh hai frozen popsicle lady
• “You gonna kill me now?” “Yes.”
• Above 24,000 feet? You can do huge sprints and flying leaps with double pitons across chasms
• Big old bag of blood, that’s pleasant
• Wait, how did they all get down from the mountain so fast?