Thanks to Tinseltown propaganda, many a city slicker has come to believe that, should they somehow get stranded in the boondocks, we rural folk would sacrifice them to primordial heathen gods and take their womenfolk as brides and screw the age of consent, though not before subjecting them to a demented kangaroo court. Well I’m here to assure you that, in spite of what some of the following movies may imply, it’s all a load of hogwash with no basis in reality. Probably. Just try to pay no heed to the banjos.

The Dunwich Horror (1970)

From our review: “It’s not without its merits, though. The atmosphere is surreal with some unnerving cinematography, and I was a big fan of the kooky cultist mansion. Looks like a fun place to explore. And Wilbur is so decidedly odd that it’s hard not to be fascinated with him. Dean Stockwell employs very, very little facial emoting and keeps his voice at a near-monotone. Yet he seems that much more intense for it.”

The Legend of Hillbilly John (1972)

From our review: “In a cruel twist of irony, another weakness in this segment comes from it being too faithful to the source material. This occurs when John defeats the Ugly Bird by giving it the El Kabong treatment. There really wasn’t any way to not make it look silly.”

The Company of Wolves (1984)

From our review: “In fact, it’s the foremother of movies like Ginger Snaps, and what I imagine Labyrinth would’ve been more like if a woman had been involved in making it. Adapted from Angela Carter’s short story feminist adult versions of fairytales, TCoW is a half dream/half nightmare allegory of female puberty. Wait! Don’t leave! I promise we’ll get to the werewolves!”

The Lair of the White Worm (1988)

From our review: “Pretty much any item in the film that could be tweaked to become a phallic symbol/white worm is grandly splashed onto the screen. White garden hose? Check: gets its snaky moment in the first few minutes. White vacuum cleaner tubing? Oh, yes: serpentine as heck. Strangely twisted hands of a pocket-watch? Specially created ‘snakes-and-ladders’ game board? Heck, even Lady Sylvia’s car is a long, lean, low E-type Jaguar which first appears in a darkened wood, its fog lights resembling the yellow eyes of a serpent.”

Pumpkinhead (1988)

From our review: “How a viewer takes Pumpkinhead really depends on what kind of horror you like. If you are looking for extreme gore, fast paced chases, or things like that, this won’t be satisfying to you. Pumpkinhead builds slowly, gives us a glimpse at how each of our characters act and think before the real fun starts. The movie has atmosphere, with some excellent lighting and sound effect choices.”

Sleepy Hollow (1999)

From our review: “The cast seems to have a jolly good time getting to dress up in period costumes, and I envy them getting to traipse around on this massive spooky set. I do wish we didn’t have to endure the presence of Christina Ricci (who plays Katrina), as she just smirks her way through a mild romantic subplot, but that is the price one must pay to be privileged to bear witness to Depp acting like a certified looney.”