“I’ll think of somethin’!”

Drake’s rating: They’re starting to call me “That ‘70s Guy” around the Mutant Reviews office. I have no idea why.

Drake’s review: The Glynns are just your average 1970s nuclear family, heading to the beach for a leisurely vacation. The father, Neil (Dennis Weaver, Duel), is a non-confrontational sort, and you can tell that son Steve considers dear old dad to be a bit of a milquetoast. They’re argumentative, especially when Steve brings up the possibility of dropping out of college. The mother, Arlene (Estelle Parsons, Bonnie and Clyde) is a peacemaker, just wanting everyone to get along. Daughter DeeDee (Susan Dey, then nearing the end of her run on The Partridge Family TV show) is sadly underwritten, outside of figuring out that the male patriarchy might not be all that it’s cracked up to be.

In other words, they’re a fairly typical family as typified by the standards of 1970s television. They’re not looking for trouble, but when you’re in a flick called Terror on the Beach, you just know that trouble is going to find them.

Unsurprisingly, this particular trouble comes in the form of a band of antisocial young hooligans who take it upon themselves to harass the Glynns from the film’s opening, like the less-dangerous beachcomber cousins of Wes Craven’s cannibals from The Hills Have Eyes. This gang isn’t looking to eat anyone, though. They just want to hassle the squares because that’s how they get their kicks.

Really, take any gang of juvenile delinquents from one of the many Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes that featured a similar theme, plop them onto a beach in ‘73 and you’ve got the picture. The mob in question lacks much in the way of personality, however, acting up merely because the script tells them to rather than for any character-driven reason, and that limits their menace. They immediately become caricatures rather than characters, lacking motivation or direction and just following the aimless path set down by the screenwriter.

And that’s a large part of why this CBS made-for-TV movie never really clicks. When a flick gets the title Terror on the Beach, you go in expecting some terror. Not a lot, considering it’s a television movie, but a little. A smidge. A wee dram o’ terror. Instead we have Weaver still playing his character from Duel and Academy Award winner Parsons relegated to the thankless part of the constantly worried mother. And even at that, both are much more fleshed out than any of the young ruffians.

Still, Terror on the Beach isn’t all bad. There are one or two moments of authentic suspense, and a couple of decent stunt sequences. But those bits are brief and never capitalized on, just as the generation gap is toyed around with but never truly brought to the fore. The result feels somewhat aimless, as if a batch of different ideas were jammed into the oven, but they all came out half-baked. It’s not the worst beachgoers-in-danger movie I’ve ever seen, thanks to having watched far too many Jaws rip-offs over the years, but it’s not a particularly satisfying watch, either.

Now if the truck from Duel had appeared in the final shot, stalking the Glynn family in their van as they headed back home, this would have been an instant classic.

Intermission!

• Estelle Parsons won her Academy Award for Bonnie and Clyde for Best Supporting Actress. Reportedly, she turned down the role of Pamela Voorhees for 1979’s Friday the 13th.
• Just riding in the back of the van with no seat belts. Heck, the parents are in the front seats with no seat belts. 1973, everyone!
• This was shot in Pismo Beach, CA. I only mention that because I lived there for a couple of years when I was young, and it seemed like a pretty nice place. I don’t remember gangs of hoodlums terrorizing the tourists, but I do remember the beach being filled with jellyfish that would wash in from the ocean.
• Although the gang lack in character, be on the lookout for a young Roberta Collins among them. She was Matilda the Hun two years later in Death Race 2000.
• I didn’t recognize him nearly four decades younger, but lead baddie Jerry is played by Scott Hylands, who played Dr. Mercurio Arboria in Beyond the Black Rainbow, which I reviewed, let’s see… Almost two years ago?!! Jeepers! I’d ask for a raise, but my current Mutant Contract runs through 2060. I think. It’s hard to tell, since that radioactive ink tends to get all splotchy.