“Well, it’s official: I’m never sleeping again.”

Justin’s rating: Priest hackers! That’s the movie we need to see!

Justin’s review: Looking back, the ’90s really was a decade of extreme tonal opposites in theaters. There were a ton of great comedies, light-hearted adventures, and uplifting films full of color and spirit. But there was also a streak of surprising darkness that manifested mostly in one of four categories: Nihilistic indies, brutal crime dramas, serial killer flicks, and supernatural horror tales. This last category is perhaps the most interesting of this bunch, generating stories like Stir of Echoes, The Prophecy, Stigmata, The Craft, The Ninth Gate, and today’s topic, End of Days.

Arnold Schwarzenegger really ended his fantastic round of ’90s blockbusters on an odd — and mostly forgotten — note with this one. It was a bit action, yes, but also gritty apocalyptic frightfest, which was a little outside of his wheelhouse. I saw this one in the theaters back in 1999 and never again until now in 2025, a quarter century later. Let’s see how it holds up!

First things first: A thoughtful examination of eschatology, biblical themes, and the nuances of mankind this is not. It’s a movie that’s trying so hard for that dark-and-edgy cred while being as non-subtle as possible. I mean, the lead character’s initials are J.C. and he literally fights Satan with a shotgun. Also, there’s a priest named Thomas Aquinas and my sighs cannot be heavy enough. That all might sound cool if you’re in sixth grade or something, but it’s not going to become the subject of serious film essays.

Granted, we were all a little edgy on the cusp of the year 2000, and more than a few films took advantage of those cultural nerves.

The gist here is that there’s this girl born in 1979 who’s fated to be Satan’s future bride and the mother of some world-ending monstrosity. This is Christine, played by Empire Records’ Robin Tunney, and she’s being hunted by Satan himself (a well-cast Gabriel Byrne, The Usual Suspects) and a Vatican hit squad.

We also learn that practically everyone in Christine’s life is part of a conspiracy to serve her up to Satan on a platter. One or two people helping out with this long con, I can buy, but after like the ninth person to suddenly become a raving satanist, I started laughing.

Her only shot at surviving the worst Tinder date ever is by gaining the protection of Jericho Cane (Schwarzenegger), a NYPD detective who holds the world record in movie cop cliches. He’s disillusioned with his job, angry that his wife and kid were killed by the mob, blames God, is contemplating suicide, and totes around Kevin Pollak (also The Usual Suspects) as his partner. And because Pollak is neither the lead character nor the attractive female co-lead in a horror-laced world, his chances of surviving to the end credits are about the same as me ever watching a Gregg Araki movie again.

This sort of supernatural thriller works best as a B-movie but not anything higher in quality, as End of Days proves. You can throw as many big-name stars, Stan Winston’s creature designs, John Denby’s score, and Peter Hyams’ (Timecop, Capricorn One) directorial skill at such a project and all you’re going to get is an overblown B-movie with no sense of fun.

This is a movie that’s a little too full of itself. The best way to describe End of Days is as if someone saw Se7en a few dozen times and bounced up and down on a sugar high going “Me too! Me too!” So everything has to be grimy and depressing and bleak and gory but without the great character moments and cinematic beauty of David Fincher’s film.

It’s also a perpetually visually dim movie. It’s like you’re wearing sunglasses throughout it, and that makes so much of what’s on screen — even during the daytime — hard to see. If End of Days could wear an all-black outfit and brood in its room while listening to Nine Inch Nails, it totally would.

The devotion to this tone also robs our lead star of any charisma or opportunity to crack his fun little one-liners. Blunt action from Arnold isn’t quite as enjoyable if there isn’t a Mortal Kombat quote for every fatality.

I suppose if you can get into the vibe of this, there’s some entertainment to be plumbed — both intentional and unintentional — on the part of the filmmakers. You could make a game from pointing out all of the plot holes, I’m sure.

End of Days is a weird, weird oddity from a weird, weird time. I’ve seen some people develop a taste for it, but it’s too clunky and harsh for me to enjoy it on any level.

Intermission!

• The end of days apparently involves a lot of candles if the opening credits are any indication
• Rattlesnake blood is an essential part of the baby birthing process
• It’s Shake-Our-Cameras O’Clock
• Did Satan just plant a bomb in that lady by kissing her?
• Crazy hair-and-eyes guy is kinda freaky
• Feels a bit foolish to fly a helicopter between high-rises, this isn’t River Raid
• Arnold gets all the fun helicopter rides
• Speaking of typecast, CCH Pounder might be an exasperated cop in every movie NYPD department
• Tongue in a jar
• Cry over a music box! Cry, I say!
• “There’s another world out there, Thomas saw it, and it destroyed him.”
• Lots of basement exorcisms in churches with priest hackers
• That’s the nuttiest CGI sex scene
• “Remember who it is that you serve.”
• “Hey kid, nice shirt.”
• Christine’s drivers license photo is incredibly cute
• SUPER SCARY APPLE
• Arnold being beaten up by an older lady is never not funny
• Stop saying “making love” in relation to Satan
• “Is this eastern time?” ahaha
• Satan can make Christmas trees appear
• Satan gets oddly possessive of a trenchcoat