“What did you do, try to kill her with a Grow Lite?”

Justin’s rating: The tanker truck of Summer’s Eve was not really needed

Justin’s review: I think we all have certain actors whom we dislike seeing in films. Maybe we can’t stand them for their off-screen life, but often it’s a personality conflict. They rub us the wrong way, and thus present an obstacle — not an impossible one, mind you — to enjoying any film in which they star.

Daryl Hannah fits both of those criteria for me. She’s a bit of a prima donna in real life, but more than that, she’s an exceedingly mid actor whose presence in any film is puzzling to me. She always sounds like she’s drugged and glares at people like they did something wrong. I dunno, might be me.

But here she is in Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman (and speaking of nitpicks, yes, I hate that they don’t fully spell “Foot” in the title), starring as Nancy, a woman who gets zapped by what I assume are prankster aliens. That may be the least of her worries, as her dad is trying to extort her inheritance, her cheating husband Harry (a chubby Daniel Baldwin) wants her out of the picture, and the both of them control her every movement. Since Nancy can’t “express her anger” as her one defining character trait, she’s super-repressed and can’t stand up for herself.

So maybe getting zapped by aliens is a good thing, because Nancy’s anger manifests in some sudden growth spurts. And it turns out that a repressed soft-talking Daryl Hannah becomes the visage of vengeance and empowerment when she’s large enough to toss cars single-handed. In a way, she’s the Incredible Hulk with (weirdly) less make-up and the potential for a local apocalypse once a month.

I really don’t get the appeal of the “person becomes super-big” sub-genre, but it must have its fans because this sort of thing’s been around for decades — including the 1958 original pulp film. Perhaps people daydream of being Godzilla and stomping all in their path, and perhaps others have a really weird fetish for unobtainable giants.

Harry tries to figure out ways to kill Nancy through stress, while Nancy gradually gears up for an unstoppable rampage. However, this is HBO of the early ’90s, so don’t expect a Game of Thrones-style bloodbath with so much nudity that the Playboy company writes a formal letter of censure. We never get to the point where Nancy flicks her oppressors’ heads off like Pez dispensers. Alas.

While this movie clumsily tries to wield a feminist message, it’s not sophisticated enough to make it serious. Rather, it’s a lot of fine-enough-for-the-era special effects and Daryl Hannah delivering long-winded speeches. Also, point of order, she never does “attack” much of anything. It’s OK, but I suspect that the 1958 original would be far more enjoyable. Maybe one day I’ll find out for myself.

Intermission!

• Wow check out that old school HBO logo
• This movie starts out as all great films do, with a museum
• Daryl Hannah slurring her way through a narration is also such a great, great thing
• Love that they splurged on all of this incredible rear-projection for driving!
• “You don’t have to be drunk to drink coffee, it’s a free country!”
• What the what long white t-shirt is Harry wearing? It’s like a night slip! Which is, of course, great.
• So many “outdoor” sets that are obviously filmed on a stage which is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.
• That bra is holding on for dear life
• “Right now your wife has the blood pressure of an adult giraffe.”
• “The world is my dollhouse, Dr. Cushing.”
• That is one giant cotton ball
• The original movie plays on the drive-in screen