“Tell me, what would Japanese assassins be doing in this part of the world, taking a vacation?”

Justin’s rating: Wouldn’t a few guys with guns be far more lethal than a whole bunch of pajama-wearing goons that have to get within melee range to be effective?

Justin’s review: When I look back at my childhood in the ’80s and even early ’90s, ninjas were all over it. There were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, of course, but also NES games like Ninja Gaiden and Shinobi, GI Joe characters like Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, books, comics, and so much more. I even got a pair of ninja pajamas when I was eight that I wore pretty much every night for a year.

The word “ninja” was a fast track to Coolsville, at least until the ’90s made it complete kiddy fare and soiled the reputation of this mythical assassin. It’s something we need to reclaim, I say!

So why were ninja all that? I guess one way to look at them is as a proto-superhero with their costumes, exotic fighting skills, multiple gadgets and weapons, and mysterious backgrounds.

But it’s been a good while since I’ve last visited the realm of ninja, so it’s probably high time that I get on with one of the most famous likeminded series in the ’80s and check out American Ninja 2: The Confrontation.

When US Marines start going missing from an embassy post in the Caribbean, it’s only logical that the problem’s going to be ninja. Oh those rascally ninja, kidnapping Americans to brainwash them to fill their ranks! Already this is ridiculous, not just because how do you perfectly brainwash a ton of people to fight on your side (the term “bioengineering” is bandied about as if that explains everything) but this setup is assuming that they wouldn’t get a million volunteers to be ninja minions if they simply put out flyers. Heck, this was my greatest dream for about six months in 1988.

Army Rangers — and American Ninjas — Joe Armstrong (Michael Dudikoff) and Curtis Jackson (Steve James) are brought in to investigate the disappearances… and maybe enjoy some surf and sun at this plum posting. It’s not too long before they’re fighting beach ninja and figuring out that there might be a mole in the platoon itself.

What I appreciated about American Ninja 2 is that it knows exactly why we’re here and gives us loads of ridiculous fight scenes, an insane assortment weapons, and goofy stunts with ninjas. The evil ninja in this movie are irrepressible rascals, popping out of nowhere at any time just because. They also have a penchant jumping down from places as though they’re auditioning for a video game respawn point.

It doesn’t matter how little sense it makes for black-clad assassins to be trotting across Caribbean islands in broad daylight, anyway. We’re just happy that Armstrong gets to use his skills to prove that America can do Japan better than Japan does. Take that, trusted allies!

The action here is peppered with some hilariously awesome moments, such as when Armstrong blocks a blow dart from hitting a girl by taking it in his hand — and then biting the dart out of his hand before killing his assailant with a shuriken. The synth soundtrack also is on overdrive from minute one, and I absolutely need to add this score to my collection because it would make any activity done to it seem epic.

Dudikoff and James are, at best, serviceable as the investigators, but you do get the sense they’re biding their time until they get to fight again. James does seem to be having more fun, though, and makes an effort to growl out some one-liners and hit on women and completely shred his dress uniform during a brawl at one point.

Why watch movies like this? It’s probably for the same reason why you much through a gallon bucket of popcorn while watching your hoity-toity flicks: Simplistic comfort food. You want a film with a great message, cinematography, and art, that’s great, you’re just going to have to look elsewhere. But if you want to see two best buds kick the snot out of ninjas because that’s cool and comforting on a simple level, see American Ninja 2. That’s great too.

Intermission!

• This is how you kick things off: motorcycles speeding on a cliffside drive and a synth soundtrack going absolutely nuts
• Ninja coming out of the back room in full getup, nothing suspicious here
• “Army? You guys are supposed to be Marines!”
• This looks like the party post of all party posts
• BEACH NINJA
• “I mean what is this? Ninjas, drug pushers, my men being kidnapped and murdered? This is really beginning to get on my tits!”
• The ninja ladder is pretty clever
• Net waving around is an underrated skill
• Everyone’s necks break incredibly easy in this movie
• Death by spear through window is a surprising way to go
• James is shredding his borrowed Marine dress uniform
• Ahh the bowling pin sound effect
• The thieves taking off part of that guy’s car is pretty funny
• “He fights like a tiger!”
• Everyone in this movie dies the second a bladed weapon goes into them
• Catching an arrow out of the air? Impressive. Taking a blow dart in your hand on purpose to shield someone and then biting it out of your flesh? Most impressive.
• Ninja punch through the rear window… and then grappling hook to the truck bed for some fun dirt surfin’!
• That explosion seemed to come out of nowhere
• “We’ll have to wait until it gets dark” soundtrack immediately switches to romantic synth
• This girl tries to spit out sixteen paragraphs of exposition and keeps stumbling over the lines
• BIOLOGICAL ENGINEERING? SUPER NINJAS? My head cannot take it.
• The Lion has a giant logo so he can stand in front of it and give speeches? What a narcissist.
• I do love the red-and-black ninja uniforms
• Why’s he killing all his own men? Just to prove he’s good or something?
• My favorite part are all the ninjas in the background who keep carting away the corpses but they can’t stay on top of the incoming bodies
• The giant MASTER LABORATORY sign is a bit unnecessary, I think you’d agree
• Stairwells are the best place for some pre-battle meditation
• The Marines kinda let you dress up however you like when you’re heading into battle
• He just blew up — murdered — a bunch of guys in lab tubes?
• Jackson’s awesome huge knives
• Really good ninja like to start fighting from sitting positions
• Something wrong about a ninja with a shotgun