“It will be the Superbowl, World Cup, and the Olympics tied up into a media mega event.”

Justin’s rating: Now a full movie featuring stop motion kickboxing exoskeletons — that would be my #1 movie of all time

Justin’s review: Against doctor’s orders, I continue to binge upon the high-sodium transfatty content that is Albert Pyun movies. Now that I’ve become the world’s leading Pyunologist, I can finally reveal the secret of any given movie that he directed: If it doesn’t have cyborgs, add some. And if it doesn’t have kickboxing, throw that in as well. And since the only way all of that makes sense is for it to take place during the apocalypse, you’re going to need to end the world on a $12,350 budget.

Hey, if it ain’t broke and once starred Jean-Claude Van Damme, don’t break it.

In the far-flung future of six years ago, the hottest ticket in New Manila is cyborg kickboxing. The Sianon Corp wants to prove that its models are the best of the best — and thus improve its stock prices and sales — and the only way to do that is to dominate the big nameless tournament that’s happening between 56 contestants.

While most of these fighters are cyborgs from competing firms, Sianon entices a fully human fighter to participate and eventually fail. This would be Chance O’Brien (Keith Cooke), whose muscles are trembling for a fight but his head is like, “Why would I volunteer to get my butt kicked by the Terminator?” So Sianon graciously accepts his refusal and proceeds with the tournament anyway.

Haha just kidding, Sianon goons kidnap Chance’s fiance and use a computer chip to force her to train (and flirt with) Chance’s greatest rival, a jacked-up Xao. I mean, if you’re going to kidnap someone, put them to work! It’s better than having them mooch off of free room and board.

Shot in just 11 days, Heatseekers cuts every corner possible in crafting a futuristic cyberpunk martial arts masterpiece. I guess you can get away with calling people “cyborgs” when you don’t have to show much more than blue contact lenses now and then. And you can get away with a lack of plot when a full half of your runtime is taken up with pretty standard kickboxing bouts.

It’s sort of a humanity vs. augmented humanity vs. evil capitalism struggle, with so much and so little on the line at the same time. Alas, Keith Cooke isn’t the most inspiring or personable action star, so it’s hard to get that invested in his struggle to win against impossible odds.

I liked the glimpses of dystopian cyberpunk world-building that are sprinkled here and there, and with a greater budget, they could’ve done a lot more with this rich field. But there are hackers and bits of cool tech, not to mention questions of cyborgs gaining unfair advantages over humanity. Occasionally, there are bizarre commercials or play-by-plays that add flavor to this weird setting.

It’s simply not enough to cover up very standard and not-that-thrilling kickboxing exhibitions. Maybe a truly skilled cinematographer and editor could’ve put together a riveting display, but this is low-budget mid-90s shot-in-11-days work we’re talking about here. We’re lucky to get the contact lenses.

Intermission!

• “The year is… 2019 A.D.” that checks out
• The only way to enjoy kickboxing is to view it incredibly close and rapid shots with some cross-fading
• The cyborg skeleton is nifty
• OK you can’t flash a biography page with like 15 lines of text and expect us to read it in the two seconds allowed
• Oh man the ’90s round sunglasses
• That is quite the fu manchu mustache
• You normally have to be 90% human to fight in tournaments, but for this one, it’s 50%.
• What’s with the one long fingernail and orange hair, Tim Thomerson?
• The middle of the fight is the best time to ask your girlfriend/manager to marry you
• Bad guys are super bad when they kidnap your girlfriend in the middle of a lovemaking scene
• Why’d they take all his clothes? So much running man naked butt in this film.
• I like that the guy gives Chance his coat but won’t shake his hand: “Nah that’s OK.”
• “My name? CHONG!”
• “Don’t you get it! He needs love! Love!”
• Weightlifting while doing the splits is so studly