“I knew from the moment I saw your flat head and that cute little scar that I wanted to spend every moment tightening those neck bolts.”

Justin’s rating: When my mind makes comparisons between your film’s sets and the early years of Mystery Science Theater 3000’s Satellite of Love, you’re probably not doing well

Justin’s review: The Munsters got its start in the ’60s and launched a decades-spanning franchise, eventually producing three series, a pilot for a fourth, and five movies. But other than the abortive 2012 Mockingbird Lane, the Munsters haven’t been active since the late ’90s… until director Rob Zombie begged, cajoled, and twisted arms until someone let him tackle it.

Apparently he was a fan, which is not something I would attribute to the guy who makes wholesome family fare like The Devil’s Rejects and House of 1000 Corpses. He shouldn’t have bothered to make the effort. I have no doubt that hat Universal wasn’t too pleased with the enormous flop that resulted from this 2022 straight-to-streaming/video reboot.

So here I go, heading into my first Rob Zombie movie, all for the sake of the memories of a sitcom that came out well before I was born. Truly, I live a blessed life.

As far as I know, this is the first origin story for the Munsters family, not that we truly needed one. Or asked for one. In a world populated by monsters — most of which are variations on Universal’s horror properties, as with Hotel Transylvania — we meet Lily (Rob Zombi’s wife Sheri), a lonely vampire who becomes infatuated with stand-up comedian Herman, a dude who just so happens to be a Frankenstein mish-mash.

We are also introduced to the rest of this Transylvanian clan, including Lily’s dad the Count (not “Grandpa” here for some reason), butler Igor, and their weird pet Spot (but no Eddie or Cousin Marilyn), as they make the transition from the old world to the new one. They lose their castle, move to America, and the Count tries unsuccessfully to break up the couple with magic.

There’s more to the plot, but trust me when I say that the story isn’t interesting to discuss. Instead, The Munsters draws attention to itself with its look — which is not to its acclaim. The best way to describe this film is to ask you to think of Tim Burton’s visuals and then make them as tacky and cheesy as possible.

It’s hard to know how much of this film is deliberately awful or unintentionally so, as it is trying to ape the sitcom. But either way, it’s terrible. The sets look as fake as a two-bit amusement park haunted house with black lights bringing out bright garish colors. The gags are sparse and lame with plenty of slapstick on the side.

And there are so many bizarre stylistic choices, such as shifting Dutch angles, cartoony backgrounds for emotional moments, Halloween cutouts serving as wipes, neon hues, a soundtrack that sounds like it comes right from the ’60s, and the camera whipping around or speeding up. The full product is honestly exhausting on the eyes.

Out of the core trio, the Count is the only one with any sense of comedic timing and worth watching. Unfortunately, he is not the central focus, so we have to contend with the age-old maxim of “Don’t Star Your Wife in a Movie, Especially If She’s This Cringy” and whatever the blue blazing hells the guy trying to play Herman is going for. Seriously, he has a personality swap every minute and is funny for a grand total of none of them.

The Munsters is not a complete loss. Mostly, but not completely. The monster designs are fairly well-done and a great throwback to the originals, and I think that there’s a lot of potential in exploring this spoopy world. Once in a while, there’s a clever bit, like a Nosferatu date who’s way too into his pet rats or a priest who’s a super-old robot. It simply needed to chill out a bit on the excessive cinematography and inject more smart humor and real heart rather than dumb-as-dirt jokes and bizarre editing choices.

Was it that Rob Zombie, used to swimming in the deep end of a scummy hardcore pool of angry horror, swung too far to the other side of the spectrum and didn’t know when to stop? Is it that the writers simply couldn’t figure out the right balance for the humor, visuals, and characters that would bring this into the modern age while paying homage to its roots? Was this simply a terrible idea all around?

It doesn’t really matter whether or not we get the answers to those, because none of them will magically make this a good film. Even though the Munsters aren’t my jam, this series didn’t deserve to be slapped around by this tedious, slapdash mess of a misfire.

Intermission!

• I like ye olde Universal logo…
• …but you know when it’s a “Universal 1440 Entertainment presents” that not even Universal had faith in this project
• Some zombies are rather refined chaps
• Vampires must be pros at planking
• All of the Halloween-style screen transitions
• The mummy’s get up is pretty cool
• Nosferatu are poor dates who love their pet rats
• “Do you want to rub Pumpkin’s nose?”
• If the tomb’s rocking, don’t come knocking sign
• Very brief Abbot and Costello clip
• How Herman Munster got his name
• Cockroaches are hard to kill
• Herman as a stand-up comedian or a hard punk rocker
• “You’re very kind.” “Thank you.” “The kind I don’t need.”
• The Creature from the Black Lagoon has a dapper hat
• When tap dancing monkey cowboys show up, you’ve botched your spell
• ROBOT PRIEST
• Mimes can scream