“You don’t wanna have any fun. You’re a fifty-year-old teenager.”

Justin’s rating: Duckie overboard!

Justin’s review: When I think back to fond memories of skipping school to pig out on VHS bliss, ’80s beach party movies feature rather high. It’s probably why I’m the only person I know who has a kind word to say about Police Academy 5. Bad movie, but those vacation vibes always put me in a good mood.

So why not head out on another ’80s vacation with Ducky (Jeana Tomasino), Ginger (Val Kline) and Sarah (Debra Blee)? Sarah’s uncle let her stay at his Paradise Beach house for the summer, and her friends crash the place and convince her to throw one party after the other.

It’s a kooky party flick, so colorful characters and outlandish situations are welcome. We’ve got a malfunctioning Coast Guard crew trying to crack down on some weed smugglers, a Peeping Tom gardener, a loud disapproving neighbor, a literal food fight, and so on.

If there is any semblance of a plot, it’s that Sarah is a bit uptight and is planning for her future (how DARE she) instead of partying hardy. At one point, she tells her newfound crush Scott — who is a drifting transient, I must point out — that she’s on track to go to school to become a lawyer. His response is to guilt her that she’s “acting like a computer” with such life plans and should, y’know, aimlessly wander the country like him until she’s a carcass in a wolf’s den or something.

I wanted to smack Scott for that. So much.

But really, this is about 70% just good-looking people dancing and kissing and drinking and probably lowering the property value of this poor guy’s summer home. It’s a completely mindless movie that keeps putting distractions in front of you hoping to entertain: Girls, gags, slapstick, random cutaways, mud wrestling, and an ever-growing cast of characters as the party balloons out of control. Eventually Sarah’s uncle arrives to lower the hammer on the good times, but he ends up joining the Cult of Partyology as you might expect.

The Beach Girls comes from Crown International Pictures, the bastion of propriety and intelligence, so you know you’re getting a lot of empty calories. It’s a whole lot of non-sexy exploitive skin — does that make sense? — and jokes that are perfectly fine settling for the easiest take.

Nevertheless, the carefree beachfront vibes are strong with this one. There are campfire singalongs, some good zingers, and a breezy party atmosphere that makes this an easy 90 minutes to pass. Even the cheesy ’70s-style electric piano soundtrack crooned “relaaaaaax.”

The ultimate ’80s party movie? I wouldn’t go that far (that would be Computer Beach Party). It’s too laid back to be ultimate anything.

Intermission!

• When a movie starts with slow-mo beach volleyball, you know to set your expectations accordingly
• Nuns love to surf, who knew?
• Sarah’s got amazing glasses, they’re very stylish
• School is out if (a) you’re chucking textbooks from the car and (b) the soundtrack starts singing of this fact
• So. Much. Excited. Screaming.
• “Ginger’s going to order us some boys!” with the Yellow Pages
• He’s actually carrying around a full salami?
• Electrocuting yourself is fun!
• “I’m not stupid!” “No, but you’re uptight. You’ll get over it.”
• Food fight!
• The couple sneaking random food bits into the guy’s smoothie
• I don’t think drug smugglers put weed in floatable garbage bags?
• Oh no, a group singalong
• Every party has a professional juggler with a Space Invaders t-shirt
• “I lost my bearings.”
• Those are a whole lot of very uncomfortable-looking sleeping positions
• ATVs on the beach are Hell’s Angels
• “Well I never!” “Probably not, you old toad.”
• Uncle Carl talking to the camera
• Good drugs talk to you
• You can use a tailpipe as a bong
• Random martial art fight is random