“My baby. Don’t cry. We’ll find a way home.”

Justin’s rating: Vanilla Ice wouldn’t touch this one even if it collaborated and listened

Justin’s review: As much as I’m one for starting a story on an exciting note, there’s something to be said for taking a little time to introduce the character and settings before going completely bonkers. Ice Planet is a movie where zero time is allocated setting things up; it simply opens up with a lot of stuff happening to people and places we don’t know.

There’s a ship with a roguish pilot and a mysterious child passenger who lands at a military instillation? I think? It might also be an academy of some kind, since they mention “cadets” a lot. Then there’s Wes Studi (Mystery Men), a familiar face, but he’s not in the exposition business — just in the “looking worried and barking out orders” business.

From what I could piece together, this mysterious alien cloud-ship suddenly shows up and starts wiping out earth ships, bases, and people. Where is this? Who are the bad guys? For that matter, who are the good guys? Irrelevant! Just go with the flow!

In the evacuation, an impromptu mixed crew jump into a spaceship, go to warp, and end up in an unfamiliar part of the universe on an… ICE PLANET. As they explore their strange surroundings, the big question of how they’ll find their way home comes up once or twice. Star Trek Voyager, Battlestar Galactica, Stargate Universe, and Lost in Space yawn, unimpressed.

Again, it’s really frustrating that they didn’t bother setting up this world before sprinting forward with the plot. It results in disconnected viewing early on and a whole lot of catch-up exposition later. This is, for all intents and purposes, Star Trek Voyager, down to the uniforms and crew that involves some slightly rakish outsiders and up-promoted students.

There’s some exploration of the titular ice planet, a really odd reference to some alien ice thing that crashed on earth, so much disjointed technobabble, and lots of characters who don’t bother introducing themselves but ask us to care about them even still. The big bad alien ship chases them, prompting some dog fights between their attack craft, while the ice planet natives (humans, not aliens) show up for some linguistic lessons from a magic girl who’s been tagging along.

Also, there’s rescue medic snowboarding. Not enough to satisfy me, if you care to ask.

Ice Planet was a Canadian-German TV pilot that didn’t make it, so it got repackaged and shipped off to DVD. Gotta recoup some of that CGI budget! I got the sense they spent a lot of money on those sorry-looking computer effects. I did like some of the costumes and sets, though, and with an coherent story this could’ve had some promise as a Trek or Stargate clone.

One theory I’ve seen is that this pilot wasn’t fully finished, leaving behind 85% of all of the scenes that were then stitched together by an editor who hated life itself. I have no idea if that’s true, mind you, but it has the ring of truth. It’s what it feels like to watch Ice Planet, at least. I can’t tell you anything about any of these characters other that Wes Studi does a decent job as a captain type, a smirking girl has a psychic boomerang, and there’s a Han Solo guy who’s super-proud of his black-and-red leather motorcycle ensemble.

As I ran the clock out on this one, my mind drifted to thinking about the original Battlestar Galactica. Wasn’t there a story arc where they visited some ice planet? Maybe I should google that. Oh yeah! “The Gun on Ice Planet Zero.” I think I had the novelization at one point.

Oh whew, the movie’s over. I can move on with my life now. I’m freeeeeee

Intermission!

• Ah the important breakdancing-to-avoid-lasers training
• Ah the important tai-chi negotiation training
• These fighters look really flimsy
• Hey, they got a death star laser!
• They jump to warp with the power of CUBESSSS
• Warping is really freaky deaky
• Oh NOW you’re going to explain this film?
• Their “Hoth action figure” costumes are cool
• AHH CGI CLAW
• Ohh she’s an expert on exo-anthropology. Sounds like a fluff major.
• Rescue snowboarding!
• “Do you want me to drive?” OK there Princess Leia.
• Psychic boomerangs are a very normal thing to be throwing around
• Ice planet native throws down some dice. Obviously, he’s the Game Master and everyone else needs to get out their character sheets.
• Magic girl is so full of midichlorians or somesuch