“I don’t know why they are always trying to remake the classics. Never as good as the originals.”

Justin’s rating: Kevin would shoot this movie with a tommy gun

Justin’s review: If you’re the mammoth, soulless Disney corporation and you just got your sticky fingers on the Home Alone franchise, what do you do with it? Certainly not leave it alone out of a deep respect for its classic nature! Oh no, you’ve got to milk that for all the streaming dollars that you can get!

And other than a punny title, you’ve got to commit to some sort of novel twist. So here’s a cracking idea: Let’s make the kid the actual despicable antagonist and the burglars the sympathetic good guys — but let’s also frame the movie where the kid’s going to beat up the adults anyway. That should utterly confuse any audiences that wander into this $15 million blunder!

Yeah, I’m not even joking. That’s the wild miscalculation Home Sweet Home Alone makes.

So there’s this British kid Max (Archie Yates) who gets left home alone in his mansion while his family jets off to Japan for the holidays. Oh, and Max totally stole this couple’s expensive antique doll when he visited their open house to use the bathroom. So the couple wants the doll back, but instead of owning up to his kleptomania, Max turns into Jigsaw and booby-traps the crud out of his house while daring the couple to break in.

I cannot stress enough how insufferable Max is. This kid actually has some acting chops, that much is clear, but it’s all aimed at being entitled and rude and sociopathic. He also tries to steal from a toy drive at church. I absolutely cannot see how anyone making this thought we’d be rooting for him and not against him…

…especially when he’s pitted against the most sympathetic couple ever. Jeff (Rob Delaney, Deadpool 2) and Ellie Kemper (The Office) are having the worst Christmas ever. They’re slowly going broke since Jeff can’t secure a new job and are secretly selling their house without letting their family know. So cashing in on this doll (for $238,000, we are told) would make a really big difference and even allow them to keep their house.

In a sane world, one simple, civilized conversation with Max’s parents or even the police would solve all of this. But this is Disney’s world, so everything is topsy-turvy and we’ve got to put this poor couple through a living hell as they slide into the criminal underworld.

Instead of infusing Home Sweet Home Alone with a real heart in the spirit of the original, Disney elected to toss a smattering of familiar references and nostalgia bait. Hey, it’s the guy who played Buzz from the first movie, now grown up and as a slovenly cop! The gangster movie on TV is now a scifi b-movie! John Williams’ classic score cameos and is butchered horribly! DIZNEE OWNS YOUR CHILDHOOD NOW AHAHAHA

This all is not enough to make us want Ellie Kemper, the very visage of television innocence, to suffer at the hands of a kid who stole from her. That is a miscalculation of stunning proportions.

Oh, and did I mention that when Max finds out how much the doll is worth, he doubles down on keeping the doll to sell himself? Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Maybe in the next movie we just toss puppies into a woodchipper for 90 minutes! A Disney+ exclusive!

In the absence of likable characters and good jokes, I found amusement in how much this film had to twist and contort itself to find ways to keep Max isolated from the police and contact with his parents. Considering just how much communication technology exists in the 2020s and how jumpy the police are at kids in danger, this is no small feat. And, no, I don’t think the movie pulls off this convoluted explanation well.

The longer I watched this movie, the higher I could feel my blood pressure rise. If Disney was trying to fashion a Mirror Universe opposite of the original, I guess it succeeded. But it shouldn’t have. What a terrible watch. Merry Christmas!

Intermission!

• Houses are not Jenga towers, I learned
• Minute three and I already hate this sarcastic twit of a kid
• “The guy Jeff saw looking through my underwear drawer seemed interested.” “Yes, but not in the house.”
• This is the loudest house in the history of the world
• Who keeps reprogramming HomeBot to speak German? “Nein! Nein!”
• Yeah I’d hide out in a BMW and watch cartoons on a tablet if I was in that house.
• “Guess who’s number one to get his head shaved? It’s RICKY.”
• Hey it’s the Dean from Community!
• Even the toddler is a thief
• Genpop is general population. It’s where the fresh fish gets got.
• Does this kid’s parents ever figure out that he’s not on the plane?
• A kid left home alone is not a first world problem
• Buzz is a total slob
• Now Max wants to steal from the church