“The real Santa was totally different. The Coca-Cola Santa is just a hoax.”

Justin’s rating: I have many Santas for sale if anyone’s interested

Justin’s review: It turns out that it’s not just Dwarves that dig too deep for their own good — it’s the Finnish too. And what’s buried deep in their mountains is not holly, it’s not jolly, and it’s going to shape all Christmases too come.

So what do you do when you find the world’s biggest burial mound and strongly suspect that Santa is frozen somewhere in its depths? You blast, you tunnel, and you think of ways to capitalize on your find.

That’s the delightfully odd premise of Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale, a prequel to two earlier short films that deal with Santa catchers/trainers/sellers.

Pietari (Onni Tommila) and his father help run a reindeer ranch near the giant hill in Finland where a dig is happening. After scores of reindeer are found dead the day before Christmas, the ranchers investigate the strange dig — which is now abandoned. But hey, why not go down that big ol’ hole right in the center and see what was unearthed?

What’s found frozen in an impressively huge chunk of ice totally shouldn’t be thawed, but because nobody bothered to watch The Thing, the company was doing it anyway. But now it’s up to the small isolated band of villagers to make a quick buck, find some kidnapped kids, and fend off an unexpected invasion of Christmas spirit. Er, spirits.

We see much of the movie through Pietari’s eyes, who is quick to gear up for action and to believe that this strange dead (yet alive) man is truly Santa. Spoiler: He is not. Pietari is an observant child — with a rifle, because this is Finland — and it makes sense that he’s the one who comes up with the big plan in the end.

While you’ll have to contend with subtitles — this is a Finnish movie, after all — you’ll be repaid in gorgeous winter scenery, some cheeky black humor, and an experience that tap-dances across several different genres. Unfortunately, it does suffer a little from pacing issues in its second act that feels like a waste when compared to the craziness of the last half-hour.

If you feel that too many Christmas movies are sanitized and unimaginative, Rare Exports is the cult answer that you’ve been seeking. It’s got that dark ’80s fantasy vibe that, say, Gremlins embodied — a few scares, a good amount of action, and a neat twist on the familiar Christmas legend.

Intermission!

• Don’t swear near Christmastime!
• The illustration of Santa dipping the kid into a cauldron
• Severed pig’s head, quite the bait! And an apple in its mouth to boot!
• It’s cool how everyone, including the kids, have snowmobiles
• The field of dead reindeer is not a good omen
• “We pay them a little visit.” *BAM*
• The real Santa Claus tears naughty kids to pieces
• Don’t put bear traps in fireplaces
• They only took the sacks, not the potatoes
• Dude looks very calm missing his ear
• This movie’s brought to you by a lot of gingerbread
• Who would’ve thought that a Santa hanging from chains could be so menacing?
• Santa goes for $85,000 these days
• “The elves have built a nest for Santa.”
• Elves like cookies!
• “Looks like we’ve been naughty.”