“Mom, we can’t live in a department store.” “Yes we can.”

Justin’s rating: This gives “layaway” a whole new meaning

Justin’s review: I always get excited when it’s Culty Christmas around here, and this year I wanted to kick things off with a recommendation. So here I am, going in blind to see (is that an oxymoron?) The Greatest Store in the World Starring That Cranky Doctor Who.

This BBC movie from 1999 was based on a book by Alex Shearer and features a homeless family looking for a place to spend the holidays after their van blew up. That’s a thing that often happens, yeah? Let’s go with that. So eternally cheerful mother Geraldine (Dervla Kirwan) decides that the way to go is smuggle her kids into a giant department store called Scottley’s for some free room (and a little free board as well).

As Geraldine tries to be optimistic and whimsical for her daughters, older and more cynical Livvy (Elizabeth Earl) isn’t quite buying the distractions while Angeline (Holly Earl) is eating it up.

It’s certainly an objectively sad situation, but the film refuses to let a moment of pathos seep inside. Rather, the family goofs around, throws dance parties, samples the merchandise, and basically turns this gigantic store into their personal wonderland. The fact that this store is full of Christmas decorations adds to the charm.

And before you ask, “But what about the security?” let’s just say that while there are guards, they’re not that good. That’s probably why some robbers end up infiltrating the place as well. They also find an unlikely ally in the form of a doorman nicknamed Mr. Whiskers (Peter Capaldi). So how will it all turn out for this chipper, down-on-their-luck family?

It’s kind of a stroke of genius to focus on the after-hours exploration of a store around Christmas. It brings to mind a bit of Elf and Career Opportunities in this regard. Or even Dawn of the Dead. I mean, who wouldn’t want to hang out with some best friends in a gigantic consumer playground — especially when it’s a store this varied?

I was slightly taken aback by the sheer frantic pace of The Greatest Store in the World. It moves briskly, with the characters chattering away, engaging in frantic hide-and-seek, and being cute as all get out. There’s also a vintage ’90s cameo by S Club 7, so that’s a blast from the past. And the kid actors are actually good at their jobs, especially Earl, who provides the narration throughout.

I actually respect that this movie has a playful attitude rather than pulling on the obvious heartstrings and assaulting the viewer with sentimentality. It’s a Christmas fantasy that does touch on a serious subject, as Geraldine’s continual ingenuity shows you that she’s doing all she can to care for her girls without falling into despair. It’s hard — nay, impossible — to not want the best possible happy ending for this British trio.

The Greatest Store in the World isn’t the deepest, funniest, most moving, or even most Santa Clausey Christmas movie out there, but it’s full of charm as it tells an unusual story of the holidays in a very unlikely place.

Intermission!

• If you’re studying your script, you best do it while sprinting forward at top speed
• EXPLODING VAN OH YEAH
• The burned doll made me laugh
• “So there we were: Mum had another one of her house warmings.”
• Mr Whiskers has quite the uniform — and whistle
• Only play with the toys on display, not in the boxes
• And now your S Club 7 breakdown
• Sometimes angels look like bees
• “Always shopping but never buying.”
• The hammock in the tent looks cool
• Bang on the window, you set off the alarm
• The kids posing in the window so people walk by
• The whistle-off
• Bleach doesn’t make for a good present
• The ice cream looks amazing
• The fake Santa and fake Elf never change out of their clothing
• “There’s no way you can fall.” “Except that way.”
• I don’t think that attacking kids with a suction-cup arrow is going to get you anywhere
• “I went to boarding school! I was trained by nuns!”