“I think of it as money. I kiss his money. I sleep with his money.”

Justin’s rating: FATALITY!

Justin’s review: When you come to the barrel of Albert Pyun movies, there are two things to discover. First, it’s that everything in it is in the bottom; there’s only that one tier. And second, even in all of that badness, there’s a delightful charm that makes rooting around worthwhile. Usually. Often. Depending.

This time, my grasping hand came up clutching his 1991 kickboxer epic, Bloodmatch. Every time I look at that title, I think this is an aggressive Red Cross campaign: “Justin, you are… a BLOODMATCH!” And then I get a cookie.

Anyway, have you ever bumped into a movie that refuses to clearly explain what it’s about so that you go through a good chunk of it angry at this unnecessary obfuscation? If not, let me introduce you to Bloodmatch, which only lightly sketches a plot while leaving your mind to dangle in bewilderment for want solid details.

What also seems to throw everybody off is that Bloodmatch stars Thom Mathews, who is low-key famous for being Tommy Jarvis in Friday the 13th Part VI and Freddy in Return of the Living Dead. Which I guess is cool, but I wasn’t doing a double-take or anything.

Mathews is Brick, a kickboxer who’s tying to avenge his dead brother (Sir Not Appearing In This Film) by bumping off four people who did… something? And he’s trying to solve a mystery about it? And there are a bunch of other people who are never introduced? So while you’ve shown up hoping for some awesome mixed martial arts competition, you are handed a rather ugly revenge tale instead.

Don’t get me wrong: There is some actual kickboxing in this from time to time, and it can even be kind of fun. But it’s a topper for a movie that’s hateful and surprisingly brutal, giving us a “good” guy who ends up doing more awful things than any of his foes as his detective methods pretty much begin and end with beating the crud out of a captive person in an arena.

I’m divided on whether or not Bloodmatch earns its mystery chops (and twist ending) in the face of a lot of confusing dialogue and scenes that are so dark that I’m not entirely sure they didn’t film a black square and dub some dialogue and sound effects later.

I like Pyun and am determined to get around to most all of his movies sooner or later, but I have to advise that you give Bloodmatch a firm pass and not think twice about it. Maybe go see his awesome Captain America instead.

Intermission!

• Nothing like starting the movie looking at… a corner?
• Nearly three-minutes of opening credits closeup of what appears to be a concrete floor
• 10 minutes into this and I barely know what’s happening
• This film slavishly uses those old school martial arts sounds for fights
• That woman’s battle cry sounds like a cat being strangled
• If you’ve knocked the girl out, maybe stop monologuing?
• That cheesy background soundtrack never stops, does it?