“Tell me your woes! You are bewitched!”

Justin’s rating: In 1989… you won’t believe a Warlock can fly

Justin’s review: Warlock always made me scoot by it on the assumption that it was some occult series, and those aren’t the kinds of films for me. But if someone had told me sooner that this was basically the fantasy version of The Terminator written by David Twohy (The Arrival, Pitch Black), I would’ve seen this ages ago.

Julian Sands (Vibes) plays the titular Warlock, who’s a super-evil wizard with not much of a backstory. Escaping from his imminent execution in the 1600s via Time Tornado(tm), Warlock finds himself in the late ’80s and tasked with assembling Satan’s “The Grand Grimoire” that can totally unmake the universe. Not sure why he’d be OK with ending the existence in which he lives, but as we find out, logic isn’t what’s driving his locomotive.

Hot on his heels from the past — there’s that Terminator connection — is Redferne (Richard E. Grant, Hudson Hawk), a witch hunter with a mullet to end all mullets. He teams up with Kassandra-with-a-K (Lori Singer, Footloose) to track Warlock down and stop all of this foolishness. Kassandra’s a diner cook who happens to get cursed with an aging spell — 20 years per day — so she’s motivated to end this guy before she finds herself prematurely in a nursing home.

All of this is going to be tough, because Warlock knows many of the Final Fantasy spells and quickly tears through town on a mission with no empathy, no mercy, and presumably confusing bathroom breaks. I imagine that someone from the 1600s is going to experience a bit a learning curve in the bathroom. In any case, he’s got a slasher’s mentality, because Warlock seems to love plucking body parts from victims.

I did find it slightly unbelievable how quickly both Warlock and Redferne adapt to life in the ’80s. Still, both male leads are equally excellent and entertaining in their own way, especially with Redferne’s zealous determination to hunt his quarry to the ground while wearing a giant fur coat. But Sands is quite good too, mastering the art of looking momentarily affable before going psycho on his victims.

Another detail I liked is how both characters speak in ye olde English, which could’ve sounded especially hokey but gives these two depth and true mettle when you hear it.

If there’s a weak spot in the casting, Kassandra is it. She’s a whiny, self-absorbed jerk who begins the movie angrily honking at an old lady crossing a road and goes downhill from there. She’s one of those annoying characters who keeps trying to escape responsibility and has to be physically dragged into it. Just let her go, man. Let her go.

Despite a few deaths, Warlock isn’t a straight-up horror film in the way you might expect. It’s more like an occult thriller with some cheesy special effects, a witch hunter from the 1600s who’s more of a crack shot with a whip than Indiana Jones, and even a surprise Mennonite or two. It also contains, hands-down, the worst aging makeup I’ve ever seen in movies. It’s like botox and an allergic reaction to bees got together and said, “Wanna party?”

Warlock is cheesy and weird and offbeat — no classic but a diverting day trip for the cult cruiser. If you need more of a recommendation, this is helmed by legendary horror director Steve Miner of House, Lake Placid, and Friday the 13th parts II and III.

Intermission!

• A gallows AND a bonfire looks like overkill, but I’m excited
• That tower really needs a staircase bannister
• OK there Mr. Radio Announcer, I guarantee you that nobody calls this weather “the devil’s wind”
• Lotta tiny man ponytails in this film
• Well that escalated quickly to pinky-cutting and tongue-biting and eye-gouging
• The chalk outline in the kitchen is really silly and somehow handles the blood situation well
• The witch compass seems pretty cumbersome to use
• A whip is no match for a taser
• “Let me give you some advice — get away from this house.” “You got a watch? Time me.”
• The Vertigo shot
• Cursing your lead actress to age rapidly is a pretty bold move
• “The guy who finger paints with body fluids?”
• Redferne teaching her how to drive is a pretty funny moment
• “You can’t punt on first down. Nobody does that. Not even Tampa Bay.”
• “No witch can set foot on church grounds.”
• You can make a flying potion from the fat of an unbaptized male child, just FYI
• And introducing… the Mennonite!
• The tattoos on Warlock’s skin are effective in undoing stabbings
• Redferne lawn darting Warlock with a weather vane and going “YES!” like a delighted schoolboy was the laugh of the film for me
• MOVING EYEBALLS
• Hammer to footprints does a lot of damage to a bare-footed warlock
• Covering your ears and going “blah blah blah” is such a mature move
• Redferne freaking out about flying is a good moment
• Apparently this airport has no security checkpoint
• “Can I take that from you?” “Over my rotting corpse.”
• Back when there was smoking on airplanes
• “Tell me Stuart, lest your children be born slugs of dead flesh.”
• Seeing your own grave is an existential moment
• Burying the book in the Salt Flats is a smart idea