“As a wise man once said, doing the right thing is always easier when you’re doing the right thing and doing it for the right reasons.”

Justin’s rating: Other Heritage Day needs to happen

Justin’s review: I want to make myself absolutely clear: I will die on the hill that argues The Brady Bunch Movie and A Very Brady Sequel are two of the best sitcom adaptations to come out of the ’90s. Not too many people seem to reference this pair of flicks as much as, say, the Wayne’s World or Addams Family movies, so they might be a tad underrated. But the people who do talk about them, like me, tend to slather them with praise. They are hilarious, satirical in so many directions, and completely quotable.

Perhaps it’s because of my love of those movies that I kept away from the largely unknown third movie in the trilogy — The Brady Bunch in the White House — as long as I did. This TV movie was made six (!) years after the second movie, which of course meant that all of the ’90s child actors had out-aged their roles. Yet Gary Cole and Shelley Long were totally up for one last ride as Mike and Carol Brady, which lends it much more support as a genuine follow-up than many other such cheap sequels. But other than those two, we get all-new kids and a new Alice.

Die, dreams of my youth, die!

I think there was a missed opportunity here to focus on bringing the stuck-in-time Bradys into the 2000s like the previous flicks did with the ’90s, but instead we focus on… politics? Porting the Bradys to Washington is a mismatch for this family and ’70s vibe. Honestly, I’d rather see the Bradys go to summer camp or engage in a neighborhood paintball war than be in a third-rate White House movie set.

It’s really not a good sign when the first 20 minutes go by and I haven’t laughed once but have let my attention wander a half-dozen times. When the Bradys find — and donate — a winning lottery ticket, the scandal-riddled President Randolph (Dave Nichols) nabs the clueless Mike Brady to be his new vice president. Then Randolph resigns during the swearing-in ceremony, leaving Mike as the country’s Commander-in-Chief. For his VP? Carol Brady.

Ha ha, the Bradys are now in the White House! And there’s an unnecessary musical number! And a slumber party! And a smashed vase! And too many political scenes! And a fake-out apocalypse! Please intervene for me!

The way I look at it, there are three ways this movie could’ve succeeded despite its obvious handicaps. The first would’ve been if the filmmakers managed to replicate the satirically smart approach of the previous movies. Alas, no, this is just generic slapstick with oblivious gags. No bite, no genuine wit, merely a soundtrack with a “wah wahh” horn.

OK, but we could’ve gotten by if the kids were just as good as the crew from the first two films. That doesn’t happen either. ’90s actors Christine Taylor (Marsha) and Jennifer Elise Cox (Jan) were particularly hard to replace, and none of the new six children stand out with any talented acting or writing. They just get faded copies of traits they had in the previous films — Jan is still hearing voices, Marsha is still getting hit on by inappropriately older guys, Greg fancies himself a rock star, etc.

By the way, seeing the “new” Jan who’s clearly a 40-year-old lady pulling an Orphan scam completely creeped me out. Jan was my favorite character in the previous films, yet all I wanted was for a linebacker to tackle her to the floor every time she appeared here.

Thus, the only real hope I held for this movie was if Gary Cole and Shelley Long crushed it in their role reprisals. Again, it might well be bad writing and directing, but it’s clear they don’t care. This is totally an easy paycheck situation requiring nothing more than going through a few tired motions.

Little bits of odd wit shine through here and there, such as an inexplicably talkative Lincoln portrait, but they can’t stop The Brady Bunch in the White House from being an utter chore to watch. It’s a shoddy film with only a single approach: taking ’70s fashion and old sitcom conventions and having them run slipshod across the White House and the Washington political scene.

That’s my story. And it involves no kids whatsoever.

Intermission!

• Where do these Brady kids get all of their vintage ’70s clothing?
• The girl they got to play the new Jan is freaky deaky. She looks like a 40-year-old woman. And they’re still going with the “voices in her head” thing.
• Man, those old ovens in brick walls is a personal flashback
• The new Greg looks a LOT like the old Greg.
• “With that lottery ticket, you have as much chance as… winning the lottery.”
• Marsha doesn’t get sprayed by the volcano
• “Bobby used the S-T word!”
• Where’s his Secret Service protection in California?
• The presidential seal on their station wagon might be the only clever bit of this movie
• “Sometimes I stuff a sock down the front of my pants…”
• “Can’t you just call me Mike?” “…no.”
• I don’t think you’re allowed to have a president and vice president from the same household. Or state.
• A musical number. I never truly hated myself until now.
• Abraham Lincoln is talking from a portrait now
• Unnecessary racism at dinner! Solved by snacks!
• A crack about the Bush twins and parties
• “Martians! Martians! Martians!”
• “Is there anyone here who isn’t pierced?”
• The ’70s Halloween masks are an inspired touch
• OK these are the perviest Secret Service agents