“I said talk, or I’ll tear your eyes out!”

Justin’s rating: This guy bleeds iodine, I think

Justin’s review: There’s a well-known internet meme called the “iceberg” that takes a particular fandom or topic and examines layers of it from the very common surface elements to the deep, incredibly obscure facets. For the cult iceberg, I’m pretty sure that we’re far down into the darker waters when it comes to Turkish-made knock-offs of popular films, such as Star Wars and Superman. Then again, by calling attention to them so much online, their growing cult status means that they are ascending the iceberg layers that they once sat beneath.

So let’s examine another one of these goofy gems with Rampage, better known as Turkish Rambo. Written and directed by Çetin Inanç and featuring bodybuilder Serdar Kebapçılar (pronounced exactly how it looks), Turkish Rambo didn’t merely look at Rambo: First Blood Part II as “inspiration.” It tapped Rambo’s shoulder in class, and when Rambo looked the other way, this movie feverishly copied as many major plot points as possible before the teacher got wise to the deception.

Serdar plays, er, “Serdar,” a Turkish commando who is “too good for chains” and goes undercover to infiltrate some really, totally, for sure bad terrorists on a mountain. He’s not a very good uncover agent — probably all the muscles — and gets caught and buried up to his neck.

That sends Serdar into Plan B, which is to punch, blow up, and stab all of the bad guys like the one-man army that he is. In between ridiculously over-the-top fights, Serdar manages to strike up a quirky romance with some dead guy’s granddaughter.

As bland and muscley as Serdar is, his opponent is a gift to the acting profession. This hatchet-faced villain (I didn’t get his name, so I called him Mr. Rectangle Face because I’m apparently three years old) over-emotes with every fiber of his being. Trust me, if this dude is upset, you’ll know it. If he’s in anguish, you won’t have a moment to doubt his inner turmoil. If he wants you to talk, he’s going to literally spit out threats while blood vessels burst on his forehead. He is perpetually raging, and the more he does, the more you want to giggle in his face.

Criticizing the construction of this movie feels almost pointless. Scenes are spliced together in a way that’s designed to maximize confusion, and the dubbing is so loud that it’s occasionally hard to know who’s talking.

But you don’t show up to a movie called Turkish Rambo expecting an intricate plot about betrayal and 15th century Bulgarian noble politics. You show up expecting — nay, demanding — an unhinged movie that embraces it inner weird.

And boy do you get that here. Scenes rarely follow each other in a way that makes sense. For example, there’s one bit where Serdar is being tortured by having a garden hose wash him down while he thrashes about, then a guy with a giant knife tries to cut his arm but can’t, and then Serdar is doing pushups on a tree in a battle preparation montage. What happened between these moments? No idea. Not relevant. Enjoy the muscles.

Serdar’s fighting style is unique, because he seems to hew to Batman’s philosophy of “no guns” but the Punisher’s philosophy of “kill ’em all and let God sort them out.” So Serdar alternates between punching and stabbing. If you’re lucky, you get the punches. Gonna kill you either way, but at least you get to fly through the air for one final ride with the punches.

This is very much as if Rambo II was a soap opera that took place in an eastern European retirement village instead of Vietnam and with a budget that was only able to afford a big stabby knife, a headband, and one rocket launcher. It demands the viewer deactivate the part of their brain that tracks continuity to simply enjoy the thrilling sequences and the bland cinematography of a rocky hillside.

I mean, it’s silly and strange, but I’m not going to hold Turkish Rambo up as the ultimate surrealist cult flick or anything. It’s the sort of thing that MST3K would’ve had a field day mocking — or you and your friends, if you have nothing better to do.

Intermission!

• The English dub has some voices that sound a LOT like the MST3K guys, which kept making me think that this film was riffing itself
• I don’t know who any of these guys are, but at least they’re shooting to entertain
• You can get out of a chain by melting it over some coals
• That woman gets so hot and bothered the second she sees him unwrap his chains
• And now the loud sounds of people eating and smacking their lips
• He goes so quickly to “let’s burn all the dead bodies” as the only option
• Did they film this scene in a monsoon? You can barely see anything.
• Buried in mud during a rainstorm kind of looks fun, to be honest
• And now let’s just watch a millipede run over rocks for a minute or two
• I… think he’s being tortured? And then hosed down in a playful way? It’s not as if he can’t push back against a stream from that garden hose.
• His muscles are so tough that he couldn’t be cut there for a bit
• Yes, you have muscles. We see them. Please stop showing them to us.
• This woman exists for three emotions: worry, fake tears, and simpering gratitude at Serdar’s manliness
• Serdar is SUPER stabby
• “An innocent child like you should always live.”
• If you run out of gas, just start running wildly in some direction. You’ll probably get there.
• That was… not that scary of a jump
• And now for a completely unrelated flashback to a different movie
• Serdar has time to catch, skin, and roast a rabbit
• I like how Serdar eats the rabbit right on the pole, like a savage
• A forehead kiss is such a poor consolation prize
• And now we’re fighting in fast motion like Benny Hill and the Three Stooges
• Sometimes Serdar lets people punch him a while without retaliating, just to make them feel good about their life
• “My life was always dark, now I’m disappearing into the darkness.”
• Wait,  you said that jeep was out of gas — and now you’re driving it again?
• That’s the saddest rocket launcher ever, it just “plops” down to the ground
• Where does he keep getting more rockets for that launcher?