“These kids have nowhere to go, and they want to get there at 150 miles per hour.”

Drake’s rating: I wanted more punching of Duke’s face.

Drake’s review: Poor Tom Phillips. As if ending up in a harrowing accident with a drunk driver wasn’t enough, his new career as the owner/manager of a motel in California starts out in a less than idyllic manner. The local youth culture in the area is full of adolescent miscreants obsessed with drag racing, and each and every one of them takes an instant dislike to Tom. He’s a square, you see, and as the motel is the hangout for these devious delinquents, they don’t want him ruining their fun. As squares are wont to do. The teens terrorize Tom and his family on the road as they make their way to the motel, and continue to pile on the heat once they’ve arrived.

Making things more complicated for Tom is the fact that he has a bad back from the accident — and no small amount of PTSD as well. He’s nervous behind the wheel now, and taking medication for the pain, all of which makes him feel like less than the man he used to be. Even worse, his daughter Tina has something of an attraction to the head juvenile delinquent, a truly silly plot complication that plagues the film from their first meeting until the credits roll.

One part teen exploitation flick and one part family melodrama, Hot Rods to Hell is a weirdly uneven flick that never finds itself fully committing to either premise. Tom is a mess, no doubt about it, and understandably so. He feels like he’s failed his family, through an accident that was no fault of his own, and his attempt at a new start is being threatened at every turn by a pack of rowdy teens led by the particularly smarmy Duke.

And on the subject of Duke, his casting points to one of the major problems with the teen exploitation facet of this flick. Actor Paul Bertoya was nearly 30 when he made Hot Rods to Hell, and although his scheming sidekicks were a few years younger, they were all still firmly entrenched in their early twenties. And they look it. This makes their so-called antics look less like the actions of ignorant teens and more like the criminal activities of a well-coordinated criminal gang.

It also gives Duke’s pursuit of Tina an extra layer of creepiness, as she’s supposed to be in high school. Granted, actress Laurie Mock was 21 when she played Tina, but there’s still a blatantly obvious age difference there, which brings the ick.

Hot Rods to Hell does benefit from some veteran talent, however. Dana Andrews was never a major star, but he’d been a solid lead actor and B-movie regular for decades, while Jeanne Crain was a familiar face who had worked with Andrews before, so their performances as Tom and his wife Peg have some chemistry. Unfortunately, the histrionics flow like wine through Hot Rods to Hell, and no one is immune. Conversations become screaming matches and confrontations turn into life or death struggles. None of it is particularly exciting, though. It’s just… overwrought. It feels like, once the family hits California, the story should be taking place over the course of months. Instead it’s about a day. One day of distraught dilemmas and dangerous driving, with a nice helping of mental trauma and self-doubt to top it all off.

This family is truly exhausting.

I will say that you have to give it up for Mimsy Farmer, though. As the party girl Gloria, she seems to be the one person in Hot Rods to Hell who knows exactly what kind of film she’s in and plays the part accordingly. Coquettish and scheming by turn, it would have been a lot more fun watching her lead the gang rather than that sourpuss Duke.

As it stands, Hot Rods to Hell is a mishmash of a film that prioritizes drama over action, but has enough in the way of production value and acting talent to keep it from flopping completely. Just don’t get too excited about the admittedly catchy title. This one’s more TV movie of the week than grindhouse classic.

Intermission!

• If you see a car swerving down the road, it might be a better idea to pull over & let it pass than keep on going and have a head-on accident. Just an idea.
• So much sped-up footage.
• No one wears a seat belt in the flick. How did we survive the ‘60s?
• Sitting in the car, looking in alarm at all the blue-screened mayhem around you. Ah, the glamorous life of an actor.
• Hey, Mr. Grabby! Hands off Tina!
• Ignore your back pain, Tom! Keep choking out Duke!
• What? The guy who spent all afternoon boozing up got into a car accident? Who could’ve seen that coming?
• The Highway Patrolman giving impromptu lectures about driving safety seems like he was lifted right out of an MST3K short. “Why don’t they listen?”
• Man, driving recklessly in a fiberglass Corvette is all kinds of stupid.
• Hey, that was a pretty impressive crash stunt! No explosion, though. In the ‘70s that thing would have been a big fireball.