“O Hitler, who art in hell, help me find this DISK!”

Justin’s rating: Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the disk?

Justin’s review: Alien Private Eye is the kind of movie which throws you into the deep end of silly stupidity from Minute One and kicks away the ladder when you try to climb out. With no explanation or context, bam, we’ve got a guy who’s outlandishly dressed as what I will term “Carmen Sandiego chic” using kung fu to fight off a girl’s muggers, after which he takes her to his place for so much impromptu dancing.

Suffice to say, he’s an alien from the planet Styx. An alien private eye, even. This is Lemro (Nicholas Hill), an extraterrestrial who’s all about wooing women, boogying, and finding two halves of a special disc that is the key to making the most addictive drug humanity’s ever seen. To do the last part, he’s going to have to go up against a poison-spitting gangster named Killgore (who prays to Hitler, I kid you not) and his many enthusiastic heavy metal minions. Also, there’s a nuclear bomb?

There are also many other aliens hanging out on earth, yet it’s never explained why any of them are here or why Lemro can’t immediately go back to his planet despite pining for it every other scene.

You’d hope that an alien would be equipped with more than just Spock ears for a fight of this magnitude. He doesn’t have powers, sure, but Lemro does have a surfer best friend, an informant who sounds like Peter Lorre, and a wrist laser, so that’s something. The again, the main bad guy has a special tooth that shoots poison, so he might be in for a fight.

Lemro also has a side quest where he’s got to help his main girlfriend (he’s got two, I think) get her brother through detox after being forcibly injected with DRUGZ. It’s touted as “almost as good as sex” (because, as the main character says, “Nothing is as good as sex!”) and will kill you if you’ve shot up five or more times.

Suffice to say, this movie is not subtle with its anti-drug message, but what can you expect from an era where every arcade game we played started with a giant digital seal that said “Winners Don’t Use Drugs!” And then our characters would inject power-up potions left and right. Bit of a mixed message, there.

It’s honestly hard to tell if Alien Private Eye was made completely ridiculous on purpose or if this is an honest attempt to meld a film noir tale with science fiction. It’s so consistently cheesy — in a good fun way — that I have to imagine that the director “Viktor” (no last name provided) never stopped shoving his tongue in his cheek.

While the acting is being handled by people I assume were kidnapped for this very purpose, at least there is the sporadic firefight and insane moon logic to keep the viewer engaged.

If you’re looking for a so-bad-it’s-sometimes-good flick, Viktor’s Alien Private Eye is like nothing else on the market. That’s probably a positive thing, for health reasons, but you might as well get a dose of this before it becomes illegal in all civilized countries.

Intermission!

• I can’t decide if that theme music is awesomesauce or the worst thing I’ve ever heard
• “Edited, Directed, and Written by VIKTOR”
• I think these fighting sound effects are someone beating on the side of a corrugated steel shed
• He’s got a real nice sound system setup there
• So much dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing.
• OK that bad guy is flipping around his tiny knife for so long. Remember when those butterfly knives were cool? Neither do I.
• Guess there is no police follow-up from a club shooting that left several people dead
• OK, dude, don’t wear the hat to bed
• Spock ears are not an instant dealbreaker
• That was like the longest zoom in movie history
• Ear armor
• “The man says his name is Scammer”
• “Like a THERMONUCLEAR DEVICE!”
• “A million quicklets, that’s a lot of money on Styx!”
• “Eat lead and DIE!”
• Pistols work better if you jerk your hands forward before shooting, gives the bullet a running start
• Spirits from another galaxy
• Killgore! Killgore!
• “So lay on me her stats!”
• “Didn’t she give you her number?” “She gave me a lot more than that. And then she saw my ears.”
• Is he wearing a mini-vest made out of a dog blanket?
• “Not the tooth! How could you do it to a priest!”
• He’s got a “one false tooth full of poison” limit
• They’re coming for me to kill me! Welp, better read a magazine.
• That big bush looks like it would be fun to jump onto
• When Lemro starts talking to himself during a car chase is weirdly relatable
• Earth is fun city
• How do you know if a drug dealer who’s killed a lot of people is actually bad? He’s got a framed photo of Hitler in his bedroom.
• “This drug feels almost as good as having sex.”
• Only Keith Richards can afford a full-body blood transfusion
• All good films have extended scenes of detoxing, right?