“You are one of us, aren’t you?”

Justin’s rating: I once tried to cosplay as this character and nearly died until the firefighters used the jaws of life to free me from the latex outfit

Justin’s review: The term “’90s Cool” eventually emerged a good decade after it would’ve been of use to us here at Mutant Reviewers, for back in the day we were plowing through many such films under this yet-to-come label. These would be any movie with a lot of black leather, double pistols, techno/industrial soundtracks, gloomy (and rainy) sets, katana blades, and sunglasses at night. They were dumb, smart fun, from The Matrix to Dark City to Blade to Equilibrium, and for a while there, they were all the rage.

In my budding desire to tackle another movie series as a marathon, my sights set on one of the greatest yet forgotten entries into the domain of ’90s cool: the Underworld franchise. Yes, this label didn’t only cover films in the 1990s, but the aesthetic that endured. And oh boy, did it see something like a nadir in these films.

As an aside, I do find it cool that the 2000s saw two women leading a whole string of action movies: Kate Beckinsale in the Underworld series (five movies, 2003-2016) and Milla Jovovich in the Resident Evil series (six movies, 2002-2017).

Beckinsale is Selene, a vampire “Death Dealer” (assassin) who’s made it her life’s mission to hunt and kill her mortal enemies, the Lycans (werewolves). While the vampires assumed that they had almost hunted the werewolves to extinction, the truth is that the Lycans are stronger and more organized than once thought — and they’ve got a guy who can apparently be both a vampire and a werewolf.

You’d think that this war would be fought in the shadows to hide it from mankind, but no, they have massive gun battles out in the open. Many human casualties. Yeah, werewolves and vampires use guns, too. Fangs and claws are so Interview with the Vampire.

So this hybrid guy, Michael, becomes the focus of both sides and the target of Selene’s gothic love poetry. He threatens to upend the vampire and Lycan orders, even as we’re learning all about them.

While I’m not going to claim that Underworld is a deep movie — the plot rarely makes sense and little is clearly explained — it is stuffed with a lot of world-building details that spark the imagination.

Most vampire (or werewolf, for that matter) movies start with a human protagonist who gradually discovers and learns more about these shadowy figures. Here, we start right in the middle of this world with virtually every character belonging to either camp and have to play catch-up as to how things operate. Humans? Humans are incidental background characters.

But all you really need to know about this movie — probably this whole series — is that it’s dominated by the Rule of Cool. That is, it doesn’t matter how much or little sense something is, if it looks awesome, all will be forgiven and forgotten. So double pistol shootouts, slow-mo stunts, fun special effects, leather trenchcoats, quick cuts, a loud soundtrack, and turning the world into a video game playground is all to be expected. And of course, it’s always, always nighttime — and the weather forecast calls for unending moody rainfall.

The decision to film this in Budapest lends Underworld a much-needed Old World feel. It also keeps the audience from feeling too complacent with familiar settings. I think it’s the secret sauce that helps to make this flick memorable.

It needs to be, because our hero is one-note too much of the time. Selene doesn’t miss an opportunity to be a brooding, driven vampire who would turn to dust if she ever smiled. She’s not there to be the life of the party; she’s there to kill the party while wearing the shiniest of skin-tight leather that certainly will not be the main thing mentioned by any guy who watches this.

I’ve always thought this movie was nothing more than a Matrix clone that’s all about supernatural cats and dogs squabbling. And that can all be a good time, as long as you’re able to shut your brain off and soak up two hours of action-horror.

Rich’s rating: Prepare to jettison credibility in five, four, three…

Rich’s review: Before I begin here, I have a request for you, the Mutant Reviewers readers. If you’ve ever read one of my reviews before, and have for some reason come to the conclusion I have some form of integrity when it comes to film reviews, or if you’ve ever considered my opinion on a films worth to have any validity at all — stop reading here. Either that, or pretend this review wasn’t written by me, but by some evil twin/clone (complete with evil facial hair) who exists only to make my opinion worth less than my Underworld collectors edition plastic jumbo Pepsi cup in 20 years time.

Because I really enjoyed this film. And while I was sat in the movie theatre watching it, I could feel my movie critic side totting up all the bad points of the film…but some indefinable quality about it meant that he ended up sulking under the stairs while the rest of my psyche was thoroughly entertained for two hours.

So, here we go. Just a quick goodbye wave to my credibility, and I can start the review proper.

To be honest, I can tell you right off the bat at least one reason my movie critic side didn’t stand a chance while watching this film; Kate Beckinsale in tight, black PVC all the way through the film. It was hypnotic, really. If I ever want to see what he inside of my head looks like, all I have to do is start watching this film, then turn my back to the screen – trust me, my eyeballs would still be pointing in her direction. And before my Mutant sisters jump in here and lambast me by saying “yes, but that costume squeezed her all over the place and she was having to hyperventilate because she couldn’t breathe due to being constricted in the chest area and really who doesn’t look good in black?” I readily recognise these facts.

But still. Rwaaarrrr.

The lovely, lovely, delectable Ms. Beckinsale plays Vampiric PVC model Selene, who belongs to an inventively named group of vampires called “Death-Dealers” who hunt down werewolves because once upon a time the Werewolves spat in their blood or looked at their sister funny or something. You see, back in the day, the Werewolves (called Lycans in this film for no readily apparently reason) had a big leader named Lucian – but Vampire-Elder-Wannabe Kraven turned up one day and told everyone he’d bumped off the Werewolf leader, and had a strip of skin to prove it. So the Werewolves become disorganised, and the Vamps merrily chop them to pieces.

But who would have believed that it’s not a simple as that? Surely not? Well, shockingly, it seems that the Werewolves are becoming organised again, and they’re very interested in Intern Doctor Michael Corvin (Scott Speedman). Soon Selene and her Vampire buddies cotton on to these two facts, and its a race to get to Dr. M. Corvin, which ends in any number of gunshots, stab wounds and explosions, and betrayals. Go figure.

If anyone out there is looking for a copy of the “Scriptwriters Copy & Paste Plot Point Primer”, I guarantee someone left a copy at Underworld’s house. This film has about as much original thought, plot wise, as a kindergarten history paper. I’ll not ruin any of the ‘surprises’ for you, but if you were playing a drinking game based on “spot the Hollywood cliché”, Underworld would only be recommended for really serious drinkers.

Looks-wise, Underworld could not want to be The Matrix / Equilibrium more. I mean, seriously. Every action sequence, though well done, just screams “I WANT TO BE COOL!!!!”. Everyone in the film ends up dressed like Hot Topic has landed on them. It even steals SFX spots from the films it’s imitating at times (No bullet time, thankfully, but the Taye Diggs/Christian Bale swordfight spot from Equilibrium? That’s in there).

And yet, despite all these things, I found Underworld utterly and completely enjoyable. I mean, I didn’t walk into the theatre expecting this film to push back the boundaries of modern film, or to have any stunning social commentary, and I was right. I went into the film expecting explosions, werewolves, vampires, gunfire, and Hollywood action fluff, and it delivered in spades.

In the end, Underworld is exactly what it looks like — a harmless Hollywood action romp with a supernatural twist. In the McDonalds that is Hollywood Action films, Underworld is the limited time only Burger that comes in the special wrapper; it’s still a burger, but there’s something a little different about it that might persuade you to try it once.

PoolMan’s rating: Y’know, one of the girlie Mutants had better review this thing soon, or this page is going to explode with testosterone.

PoolMan’s review: Okay, let’s see… I’ve got Rich’s list of Ye Olde Vampyre Filme Reviewing Qualificationes right here, I better check my credentials before I get started.

1) Have you read at least one Anne Rice novel? (better if compulsively reread)

Uh oh. I’m off to a bad start.

2) Do you currently, or have you ever, worn a long black coat and white makeup simultaneously?

Yeesh. I used to laugh at kids like that. No wait, still do.

3) Have you ever had a black mana Magic: The Gathering deck with an unusually high content of Sengir Vampires?

Phew! Yes! Just made it in under the wire!

Okay, so one out of three ain’t bad.

The easiest way for me to explain my feelings about Underworld is like this: I really liked it. More than I thought I would. After all, usually I’m a big wussy with the monster movies, but this is not horror in the slightest. In fact, if there’s anything that’s really going to send the goth kids hissing into their parents’ basements, it’s that an entire movie about werewolves and vampires is 100% not even slightly scary. Everyone’s out in the open, and very seldom are the big, bad teeth and fur and eyes brought out. The Matrix comparisons are indeed quite valid. The majority of the movie is attractive people in tight black clothes running around shooting each other.

But there’s a nice, well stated tone to the movie that makes it just enough of its own animal that it’s not a total Neo clone. The werewolf/lycan fighters are indeed cool to watch bound around in full beast mode. The vampires have some of that aristocratic cool that usually follows them around in their stories, although if you were to take this movie as your ONLY source of vampire-related knowledge, you might be led to believe that vampires were pretty damn frail creatures. I mean, with the exception of Viktor, nearly every time a vampire gets into a hand-to-hand with a Lycan, they lose, and pretty badly, too. On the other side of things, the Lycans get shot with silver bullets, and they actually take the time to stop, pull out the slugs, and keep fighting. Yeah, I’m thinking das wampyrs are maybe not the side to be on, in this one.

For a movie that weighs in at a slightly-slower-than-average two hours, they sure start hurrying past the plot points, especially near the end. The story is actually inventive enough to keep you guessing a little bit if you’re not familiar with the mythology, but as the climax of the movie nears, you’re expected to accept switch after switch after switch in character motives. They come fast and furious, often with very few lines to justify it. Examine the following spoiler-retardant example of dialogue:

“Hey, you know that person you’ve loved your entire life? They’re really your enemy!”

“No, it cannot be!”

“No, for reals.”

“Oh. Okay. I better go kill them.”

Still, I repeat my earlier sentiment. I really liked Underworld. It was fun and dark at the same time, and gave those of us who don’t have The Masquerade tattoos something to cut our teeth on as new vampire fans. Sure, it could have used Michael J Fox surfing atop a truck, but I’m just being picky now.

And I’m proud that I made it all this way without mentioning sweet, sweet Kate Beckinsdale in her ultratight catsuit. Oh my goodness. Talk about RAWR. Although it was kind of funny that in our viewing party, the guys who were most excited by this were the ones who were either already or soon-to-be married. So if you’ll excuse me, we’re on the run from our wives now. Ta!

Intermission!

• The casual drop from a great height into a casual walk got major cool points
• Vampires that pass out due to blood loss? That must be nasty if they’re hungry.
• Viktor hates crowds, it seems. The first thing he does in every scene is send people away.
• The ‘it worked because we say so’ explanation for the ‘Sunlight’ Bullets the Lycan’s use.
• Vampires seem unable to use the letter ‘C’. Both Kraven and Viktor seem to have suffered unnecessary ‘K’ transplants instead.
• The little spinning disc things that prevent Lycan transformation are a great idea.
• Cleverly done sequel foreshadowing. No, really, it’s actually pretty clever.
• The name ‘Selene’ is a goddess associated with the Moon; nicely foreshadowing her involvement with the Lycans.
• Lucian says the werewolves were originally the daytime protectors of the vampires. But Selene notes that they only recently gained the ability to wolf out at will. So how did they guard the vampires during the day, without the moon?
• The Lycans are “allergic” to silver? Can they take an antihistamine, or something?
• Gee, I WONDER if they’re bucking for a sequel?
• Fully automatic pistols never seem to run out of ammo
• Werewolfy transformation in the semi-dark with some early 2000s CGI looks pretty good
• Werewolves have their own underground fight clubs
• Ultraviolet ammunition
• Ah the whole “shoot at the floor, turning in a circle, until the floor drops down with you on it” move. Seems like a huge waste of ammo.
• If you freak a vampire out, they’ll jump up onto the ceiling
• Vampires use statuary for target practice
• Let’s go inside a vampire to see how he regenerates
• All the medical blood tubes going into the regenerating Viktor is pretty striking
• “What do you do with them afterwards?” “We put the bullets back in.”
• Unconvincing romance kiss
• Did you really think a guy named “Kraven” would end up being evil?
• That gorgeous shot of the steam locomotive rolling into the station at night
• If you got a werewolf transforming in the back seat, it’s time to BLAST THAT INDUSTRIAL MUSIC BABYYYY
• The silver nitrate going into Lucian’s bloodstream
• Fighting with dual metal whips isn’t something you see in every movie
• This movie should be called Everyone Wants To Bite Michael
• If your head’s been completely sliced in two, you still have time to get up, draw swords, and look a bit surprised at the sight of a bloody sword