“It was about the size of an El Dorado.”

Justin’s rating: Makes me think about that time that Pepsi Co accidentally created a 20-foot killer octopus in Des Moines.

Justin’s review: I’ll admit that I have a particular softness for creature features. I’ve never really thought much about why, but if you pressed me, I might say that they’re a jolt of horror without being mean. Horror movies where it’s man vs. man (or some human-like equivalent) feels like murder, torture, and the darker sides of humanity. I don’t like dwelling in that. But a rampaging bit of man vs nature? That’s a Nat Geo special gone wild!

I will even say that a follow-up to 1980’s under-appreciated Alligator was overdue by the time the sequel emerged over a decade later. Giant mutated gators seem so… ‘Murica, when you come right down to it. None of your exotic cobras or angry wooly mammoths, just something relatable and possibly in our back yard.

[Goes to check. Nope, only bunnies and the odd bunny-loving hawk out there at the moment.]

Once again, we learn a poignant lesson about how heartless chemical companies shouldn’t wholesale dump dangerous waste into nearby park ponds. That’s not because it could harm the environment or poison kids, exactly, but because you never know when a mutant-prone baby alligator might be feeding on it. “Oh hey it’s the company that made the gator which ate that kindergarten class” isn’t the kind of PR you need.

With the title of Alligator II: The Mutation, my expectations immediately went way beyond “plus-sized alligator.” I was dreaming of a gator with tentacles, chainsaw teeth, remote-launching mortars, and perhaps adamantium claws. But no, it’s another plus-sized gator, no more and no less. The worst he does is bump people with his tail again and again and again.

The problem here is that Alligator II is an almost beat-for-beat rehash of the first movie, which itself was a rehash of Jaws. Even with E.T.’s Dee Wallace lending a bit of acting legitimacy as a police scientist, there are no risks being taken. What’s worse, the sequel shamelessly reuses footage from the first flick.

So there’s an evil corp that’s unwittingly making Ramone 2.0, some evil politicians trying to cover it up because there’s a city party that needs to happen, and a dogged police detective (Joseph Bologna) and wife sounding the alarm. Everyone waits a little too long to act, a rampage happens, and before long, you’ve got yahoos shooting rocket launchers at modern-day dinosaurs. Also, Friday the 13th Part VII’s Kane Hodder shows up as one of the croc hunters, which is some geeky fan service right there.

Part of the fun of creature features is that you want the creature in question to have a field day. You’re rooting for it, not against it.

I was also rooting for Bologna’s Hodges, who’s got this cocky attitude that’s quick to believe in man-eating alligators and full of unstoppable momentum. He breezes in and out of scenes with a likable charm while not letting any of these gator deniers get to him. All the nice people, even the gang members, seem to like him and vouch for him. He’s even got a love/hate thing going with his immediate superior (Brock Peters).

I even warmed up to Hodges’ reluctant partner, a disgraced rookie cop who takes up the mantle of sidekick and romantic interest for the mayor’s daughter/investigative reporter. Audiences everywhere swooned when he croaked out, “Did anyone tell you… you’ve got a great backyard?”

Unfortunately, the PG-13 rating hampers this from being quite as fun as it could’ve been, which is my biggest beef. Call me old-fashioned, but back in my day, we didn’t invite a killer creature into our televisions if limbs weren’t going to fly and heads weren’t going to be squashed like grapes.

Still, Alligator II copies Jaws so slavishly that some of Spielberg’s great storytelling actually rubs off to a mild degree. It’s kind of like a photocopy of a photocopy — not original, but still legible and capable of keeping you entertained if you had nothing better to do. Of course, that was an easier sell back before the universe streamed every movie onto your PocketPuter.

Intermission!

• Don’t think you should be snorkling at night in waters where pest-killing chemicals are being pumped
• Also, it’s a bad idea to throw a surprise birthday party to a jumpy guy who carries around a loaded revolver
• His family won’t even make the effort to get up to celebrate his birthday, so they make a VHS tape?
• “So I’ll see you later, alligator!” Subtle.
• So many shoes and boots in movies with the owner’s foot still in it
• “Mmm, very chewy.”
• “This is the LAST last time.”
• “You know you’re cute when you’re angry? Your wife is a lucky woman.”
• Don’t get a dinner table right next to a wrestling ring
• “What are you, deaf?” “I’m not deaf.”
• Coin-operated toilet
• The wrestler bit his opponent’s nose
• If you go looking for Otis with a torch, you deserve every moment of being eaten that you get
• “You’re a child. Stick with me, and I’ll make you a woman.”
• Every cop likes being photographed while handcuffed to the toilet as a girl in a tight dress tries to get you out of there
• “Otis was my friend, he didn’t deserve to be a toothpick.”
• Every detective can call their chief of police and request a car full of assault weapons and grenades to be dropped off at a random spot
• “It’s a mutant. A machine. A thing.”
• Lots of sewers have decorative tall weeds in them
• Did they just assassinate the chief of police with the mayor in the car?
• And he shoots the mayor dead while on the ferris wheel with him! That’s kind of hard to explain when you have to get off.