“I will eliminate what is appropriate for this town.”

Flinthart’s review: Look, I think we can all agree that the seminal 1987 film RoboCop is one of those pieces of cinema which, whatever its other qualities, changed the face of popular cinema and deserves to be examined with considerable respect. And so, of course, in 1990 the Japanese decided to respect it by bringing out a cheap, deranged, and occasionally racist gender-swapped version of their own — that being Lady Battle Cop.

Falling into what the Japanese would call the ‘tokusatsu super hero’ genre (movies driven by special effects, featuring heroic characters with special powers or abilities), it’s a depressingly derivative, charmless piece of blah film-making relieved only by the inexplicable villain who seems to have escaped from another movie altogether.

In the cinematic world of Lady Battle Cop, the USA has largely turned into a crime den run by (wait for it…) The Cartel. (Imagination = nobody’s strong point in this film). And now, despite the best efforts of Japanese police and the Yakuza, the evil Cartel are busily assimilating Japan’s home-grown organised crime scene. Mostly, they do this by sending a four-man gun-squad in vaguely military camouflage uniforms to shoot, knife, and brutalize both criminals and police, seemingly at random.

Naturally, the Japanese have a Cunning Plan to stop them. It involves the creation of a cyborg crimefighter, and they’re just waiting on the right automobile accident (or whatever) to deliver a suitably brain-dead donor body. Sadly for them, the Cartel know of their plans, and the villainous Phantom Team is dispatched to murder everyone involved in the project and blow up the laboratories. Of course, the creator of the cyborg plan manages to survive, along with his perky tennis-playing girlfriend (and there’s even a song in there for her, all about the importance of women in tennis) who inevitably becomes the Lady Battle Cop.

Once she finally appears in her (fairly nifty, I admit) Battle Cop outfit the criminals are thwarted, shot, defeated, baffled, etc. But the Cartel supplies them with a BFG designed to take her out, and at the same time unleashes… er… Amadeus.

And this is where it gets weird. Amadeus is some kind of esper psychic maybe-robot? With some kind of connection to NASA? Maybe? He’s played by a bodybuilder, and his entire dialogue is lifted from Lou Ferrigno as The Hulk in the old TV series. His psychic powers are… well, he starts by making a rose explode. And then there’s the flex sequence, which does get his arse on screen. But after that it’s all just flexing, growling, grunting — and undergoing make-up face-warping stuff reminiscent of Akira (a much, much more original and interesting film.)

Naturally, there’s a climactic battle. And of course, during the battle, the Phantom Team villains drop the BFG which Lady Battle Cop (after the usual struggles) uses to obliterate Amadeus, thus ending the threat and eliminating the most interesting element of the film.

Honestly? I wouldn’t bother. I only looked it up because the title intrigued me. Not even Amadeus’ whacked-out psychic antics could redeem it, though there were a few elements so stupid that I giggled. Back in the day, this would have been one of the movies you rented at five for ten bucks down at Videomania for purposes of a riotously drunken video party with your university buddies. It would have gone on only after the most interesting films were done, and everyone would have been drunk, confused, and loudly abusive of the more idiotic moments — which used to be fun, so why not, I guess.

Anyway — I’m giving it maybe two weaponised robotic high heels out of seven, and I’d say don’t bother. Rewatch RoboCop instead.

Justin’s rating: MS-DOS offered a lot of computing power back in those days

Justin’s review: It’s some vague point in the future, and Japan is reeling from an infestation of organized crime from the USA. Known as “The Cartel,” this paramilitary group has already taken over A, B, and C block of Neo Tokyo — and everyone fears that the remainder will fall soon. Who or what can stand up to these heavily armed goons?

If you answered “a tennis pro with zero combat experience,” then you are strangely on the nose. Kaoru Okoshiba (Azusa Nakamura) is a peppy little springflower who loves to give thumbs up and a sunny smile after dominating the courts. Tragedy strikes one day as the Cartel’s Phantom group blows up a police lab — and Kaoru with it. Fortunately, she’s dating a guy who has no compunctions about using her mangled body in an experimental prototype battle suit. And thus… RoboGirl is born!

The police are quite delighted to have an unstoppable weapon of adorable destruction on their side, especially as Lady Battle Cop starts cleaning up the streets with high-powered weapons and array of Inspector Gadget toys. However, she might have met her match in Amadeus, a ‘roid freak with the ability to unleash strong psychic attacks who’s working for the Cartel. But that’s OK, because she’s got… tennis? I’m not sure how this skillset carries over, but neither is the movie, as it’s never mentioned again. Still, it would’ve been AMAZING if she had a robo-racket or something tucked away there.

Yes, obviously Lady Battle Cop is 50% directly ripped off of RoboCop. But this isn’t surprising, as it’s in a culture that, as a general rule, adores cyborgs with guns. Yet it’s not only RoboCop, because there’s plenty of cyberpunk goodness, early ’90s crime dramas, and a lot of anime inspiration to boot. The whole result is cheesy and fun while not being that great for your body, like a bag of off-brand Cheetos that you found at a flea market. There’s also a hilariously weird theme song which croons “No no no no give up, women were made for tennis, now stand up!”

In that, it has one up on RoboCop.

When Lady Battle Cop herself finally shows up at the 25-minute mark, the movie cuts loose into a revenge thriller with an inevitable showdown. Her design isn’t half-bad, what with all of the bike reflectors slapped onto her chrome suit, although I have to question the purpose of a single dangly earring. Maybe people wouldn’t know she was a woman otherwise?

Unlike her “inspiration,” Lady Battle Cop only wears the suit when she’s not taking gratuitous showers or staring into the camera while flashbacks are taking place. She’s got some minor implants, but by and large her situation isn’t as tragic as Alex Murphy’s. Probably even starts back up her tennis career during the next season.

Is this film good? Not especially. Scenes are held together by discount exposition and a cruddy soundtrack, and RoboGirl herself has no character development to speak of. But it is quite entertaining, because how could a cyborg cop fighting a jacked-up psychotic psychic not be?

Intermission!

• “Somewhere, Sometime” is a very vague way to start a movie
• Is every futuristic Tokyo in movies always “Neo Tokyo?”
• Large naked guy working out alert
• Dead people on the stairs? Eh, just run in and don’t call the police
• The psychic effects are pretty great
• She’s got mini-missiles in her arms
• The neutron radiation cannon looks sweet
• The lead bad guy’s bizarre broken English statements
• Guy lasered through the head!
• That song! “No no no give up: women are made for tennis.”
• Oooh. That African/American guy in the evil Phantom Team… wow. I mean, yeah, it was 1990 and we’ve done some work since then — but damn, that is some ugly screen racism right there.
• Whoa… HE CAN MAKE FLOWERS EXPLODE
• Blah. Lamest. Shower. Sequence. Evar!
• Nice. Like the earring, lady!