“You ain’t no mannequin!”

Justin’s rating: Fun fact — this was filmed at the same mall as Chopping Mall!

Justin’s review: If you bring up “Phantom of the Opera” to me, you’ll witness my face change into a series of tics as I try to swallow the PTSD I got from every girl I knew in college gushing over the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. Yes, I even married a woman who’s enthralled with it. And you know what? It’s crap music. It just is. I couldn’t say that in college without being stoned to death, but the freedom of the internet gives me this leeway today.

Perhaps the perfect anecdote to those horrid memories (think of me think of me fondly when we say gooooooodbye) is a non-musical take starring a whackadoodle psychopath in a shopping mall who’s operating from inside the walls. Yeah, I’m down with that.

While the subtitle may make you think that this is a sequel, Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge is a unique one-off slasher that takes place in a mall. With a dude named Eric (Derek Rydall). I thought that was fairly obvious, but sometimes people need it spelled out for them.

Eric’s one of those slasher villains who’s coming from a place of great injustice. He was an ordinary dude who got worked over by some landsharks and ended up becoming horribly burned in a house fire. When the developers build a mall over the site of his old home, well, what would you do? Probably sue or get a Lifetime movie based on your story. Eric? Eric goes all murder-happy on these ’80s consumerists (and, not coincidentally, his attempted murderers).

The twist is that this half-scarred recluse still carries a torch for his former girlfriend Melody (Kari Kennell). To prove his continuing love, Eric uses all of the homicidal tools at his disposal to eliminate anyone who’s even mildly bothering her. He also wears a half-mask, because that was the style of the time. We all had half-masks in 1989, right there with jams and Walkmen. We also get scenes of Eric training in the dark as if he was in a martial arts movie getting ready for the Tri-Valley Tournament.

If nothing else, a lovestruck villain is a watchable novelty. It’s kind of hilarious — and undercuts any tension — that in-between all of these killings, Eric is leaving sweet gifts of flowers and dresses for his one and only. I’m not exactly sure what his endgame was, here. Let’s make love on this pile of corpses I’ve procured?

Whether or not you like the premise, this movie is offering you 90 nostalgic minutes of getting to hang out in an ’80s shopping mall on a more lethal-than-usual Saturday. By this point, a decade after Halloween, these types of films weren’t being judged by their story and acting so much as their creative kills and unique angles.

If you want another reason to watch this or avoid it entirely, how’s this? Phantom of the Mall is an early movie in the legendary Pauly Shore filmography. I wasn’t expecting him to suddenly show up as a frozen yogurt clerk named Buzz, and my startled shriek sent the house cat running.

Far more campy than scary, Phantom of the Mall joins the ranks of quirky late-80s slashers such as Death Spa and Sleepaway Camp 2 that knew the genre was running thin and decided to have some fun before the lights got turned out.

Intermission!

• There are three versions of this movie: the theatrical version, the Subterranean Cut (more gore), and the TV version (less gore and alternate scenes)
• “You ain’t no mannequin!” is a phrase that I use all too often
• The mayor’s frizzy perm, peach-colored suit, and gigantic flower lapel certainly do not date this movie
• Ears in the yogurt are extra
• Buzz has super-sonic hearing
• I don’t think that there should be security cameras in the girls’ changing rooms
• Dude’s eyeballs just popped out all the way across the room
• The mall’s CEO greatly under-reacts to a dead person falling on his desk. He doesn’t look up, either.
• Who has a crackling fireplace three feet away from their bed?
• Eric made his own Melody music video! So sweet.
• Subliminal messages: “Sales clerks are my friends. Spending money makes me feel good!”
• The journalist is such a bad, bad actor
• The security guard jumping on top of the elevator and then outright assaulting a shopper with a club
• Eyeball in the yogurt… real this time
• Hey maybe you should get that crossbow wound looked at? Or put a bandaid on it?
• COBRA IN THE TOILET
• So many workout scenes in the dark
• Lasso + escalator = really weird death
• Going right to grave robbing, are we? That’s a whole lot of digging, and he seems to do it all in about two minutes.
• Spin kick for justice!
• Pauly Shore mooning the camera is not something I wanted to see
• The mayor’s reaction to being told there’s a bomb? Pulling a gun on the people telling her.
• Motorcycles with sidecars are the most efficient way to drive through malls
• Why does that store sell a fully loaded flamethrower? Right next to many containers of propane?
• They obviously did not have the budget to show an entire mall blowing up