“That wasn’t a marriage, that was a license to shop.”

Justin’s rating: There was actually a time when HBO made relatively tame fare

Justin’s review: After gleefully enjoying the relatively unknown fantasy film noir gem Cast a Deadly Spell earlier this year, I was excited to discover that there was a sequel set in this same universe made just a few years later. Yet I heard some shaky things about it, starting with the fact that star Fred Ward didn’t return (boo!), so I didn’t exactly rush to see it. I more like moseyed. I mosey a lot these days. It’s what middle-aged movie reviewers do.

Taking up the role of Harry Lovecraft, Private Eye this time is Speed’s Dennis Hopper, who I will never, ever accept in a good guy role. Sorry, I like the guy, but he’s not made to be the protagonist of anything except his own bank account.

It’s now 1953 in this alternate L.A. where fantasy creatures exist and everyone can do magic — everyone except good ol’ Harry, that is. However, there is an effort by Washington to denounce the practice and turn it into a thinly veiled Communist witch hunt metaphor.

During this period, Harry is hired by actress Kim Hudson (Penelope Ann Miller) to investigate her director husband who seems to be up to some shady practices. But when he turns up shrunken and quite dead, Kim becomes the lead suspect and Harry’s investigation takes a bizarre turn. He assembles a crew that includes a girl who can read objects’ history and a stuffy guy proficient in telekinesis.

Despite being made by HBO Pictures once again, Witch Hunt looks and feels so much cheaper than the first flick. And while the lack of Fred Ward is sorely felt, I appreciate the effort to maintain some sort of continuity, such as Lovecraft’s best friend being a voodoo witch doctor and the noir-style narration running between scenes. For the most part, it’s a pretty tame flick until it remembers that it’s on HBO in the ’90s and is allowed to swear and show occasional nudity.

The world setting continues to be the main draw, as everyone boasts various magical abilities while going about classic Hollywood Americana. It’s a never-ending font of imagination and possibilities. That’s why it’s an extra shame that this TV movie isn’t given the budget to do it right.

The creative touches and fantasy creatures of the first movie are toned way, way down, and the most you’re going to see in the magic department is some early era CGI that looks faker than the hologram Jaws in Back to the Future Part II.

It’s not a terrible story, just a little bland. Pretty standard noir detective stuff with a magical garnish. And Hopper is a pro even when in the wrong role, and there’s nothing here he can’t handle. So it’s not like I was writhing on my couch watching this and wailing, “WHEN WILL MY SUFFERING END?”

The highlight was the assortment of memorable characters, including a shapeshifting singer and a rival private eye with one eye. It’s just such a shame that Fred Ward wasn’t collared to come back, as he made every scene pop in a way that Hopper’s no-nonsense portrayal cannot.

I suppose we’re fortunate to get a movie in such a bizarrely imaginative world, so I’ll count my lucky stars that we ended up with two.

Intermission!

• News on parade!
• If you’re in a barbershop, don’t tick off the barber with telekinesis
• Those old fashioned TV sets are retro neato
• Nothing like doing witchcraft during business hours on the rooftop
• Short men have compressed auras
• The words flying out of her mouth… that’s weird
• Summoning Shakespeare to punch up your script
• “I like to see… inside.”
• A raven with a massive snake in the middle of a rainstorm can’t be a good omen
• When your body starts shrinking, you know it’s not going to be a good day
• “Forget the gurney, you can get him out of here in a lunch pail.”
• And they actually put his body in a lunch pail!
• “Doesn’t take magic, there’s always a girl.”
• “This place is dead, as dead as the moon. That’s not right at all.”
• Zombies last for about three months before they start smelling
• Hitting Tyrone with his own frying pan, love it
• Ah morphing, everyone’s favorite early ’90s computer effect
• The bullets coming out of the movie screen
• “There’s too many unanswered questions for you and me to start having that particular conversation.”
• Death by being turned into a mannequin
• “She’s got to be good. She doesn’t have a contract anymore.”
• Zombie eyeballs
• “Darlin’, you’re about to die by principle.”
• Ravens always go for the eyes