“I don’t know what else I can try to do to make a human being out of you!”

Justin’s rating: Wax on, wax philosophically

Justin’s review: As an Italian, I feel a bit like a stooge for saying that my ancestor’s country never found a popular movie that it didn’t want to immediately copy, usually to the detriment of humanity. So when I tell you that this Italian studio decided that the best path to fields of gold was to remake The Karate Kid, it should make your Spidey Sense tingle with dread.

Karate Rock (AKA The Kid with the Iron Hands) introduces us to Kevin (Antonio Sabato Jr., The Big Hit), a troubled youth whose cop dad decides to foist upon a retired buddy of his. Thus, Kevin moves in with Billy (Robert Chan), who will be playing Miyagi in tonight’s review.

Grouchy and antisocial, Kevin wastes no time in getting on the wrong side of the local jocks. He also rudely brushes aside the girl next door who obviously likes him in favor of the head jock Jeff’s ex-girlfriend. The only way he could make enemies faster would be to steal an old lady’s beloved terrier and eat it in front of her.

As tough as Kevin is and as greasy his hair, he’s still only one Mario in a sea of Koopa Troopas. Jeff is determined to take him down, and after he loses to Kevin in a race through the TUNNEL OF DEATH, he goes to Plan B to sic all his minions on the guy.

Being beaten up cannot stand, and thus Kevin resorts to one and only one solution: Filing a police report. Wait, no. I mean to say, he dives headfirst into the grunty world of karate. Would you guess that Jeff is the master of his dojo? Honestly, the the homage is so strong that I’m surprised the film doesn’t call it Viper School or somesuch.

Kevin needs to get tough, so he trains with Billy who is (of course) a martial arts master. A single montage later while wearing a horror movie mask, and Kevin is a certified bad dude. He eventually thrashes Jeff in a vicious way, becoming the bully that he’s clearly desired to be from the opening credits. Seriously, it’s kind of hard to like Kevin. You’d think that Jeff would recognize his own and recruit Kevin to be his right-hand enforcer.

I shouldn’t have to tell you at this point that Karate Rock is a fairly terrible movie. Anyone who’s seen The Karate Kid will be unable to keep from mentally comparing all of the story beats between the original and this generic rip-off. Even the synth soundtrack screams “mid-80s” — which you’ll notice if you aren’t distracted by the very loud ADR for pretty much every line.

Here’s the thing: When we scour the vast movie landscape for off-beat flicks, we’re generally hunting for one of three types. The first (and best) are hidden gems, genuinely great films that went overlooked for some reason. The second are movies that are notable in their weirdness, geek culture connections, or abnormal creation. And the third are the so-bad-they’re-good flicks that generate a fond cult following.

Karate Rock tries to make a stab at all three categories and struggles to find its place. It’s hidden but not a gem by any standard. And other than the Karate Kid homage (plagiarism?), there’s nothing that notable about it.

That leaves the third category, and it’s here that Karate Rock may have a home. The more I listened to this ADR nightmare, the more I put up with this bizarre cast of characters, the more we kept going back to this goofy disco/slushie bar, the more I bopped to this amazing synth score, and the more that Billy nodded at the camera… I was captivated.

Intermission!

• Call me crazy, but I’m digging this synth title theme… and extensive visions of bridges on a really overcast day
• Maybe don’t throw your empty beer can right on top of a cop’s windshield
• Don’t call Billy “sir”
• Conny has way too many unnecessary braids
• “It’s a great disco, you’ll like it!” is a phrase a lot of kids were rocking in 1990
• I don’t think you can have a “Rock Competition” that only involves people dancing to electronica
• That’s a whole lot of clapping for a plaque
• Sexual assault and battery, this guy’s a keeper
• Hope you like very long dance contests with your karate movie!
• Conny is a peeping tom
• “If you disappear again, I’ll drown you!”
• Cutting your pigtails makes you more grown-up
• “What do you think of this street?” is a good segue for awkward moments
• Schools allow you to advertise “SPEED RACING” on hallway bulletin boards
• Billy likes to barge into teenagers’ bedrooms without his shirt on
• “Oh God, let him win, I won’t eat for a year!”
• And now a truck race in our karate movie
• The Tunnel of Death sounds like a peach
• The Tunnel of Death is really weird, I have no idea what’s going on in there
• Dogs like ice cream
• And now we’re back to dancing… WHERE IS THE KARATE?
• Extreme violence against a Jeep
• This standoff is way, way too long
• They took the hood off the Jeep?
• Kim making out with Jeff right in front of a beat-up Kevin, that’s the low point
• That is the smallest glass of water
• Burt the random horse rider!
• Billy killed a robber with a karate chop: “It was all the fault of karate.”
• Conny’s giant DO IT. shirt
• Shirtless Billy!
• Kevin finally starts learning karate 71 minutes into this 90-minute flick
• Hey, question: What’s with the mask?
• Kim doesn’t seem to mind being a prize for their fight
• The dude who brought popcorn to the karate fight
• “God, if you let him win, I’ll burn all my pictures of Tom Cruise!”
• Billy’s head shake of disappointment
• The fight is so poorly shot you can barely see what’s going on. My favorite part is when the camera is behind the crowd so that the fighters are completely obscured.
• You know you’re going to win when the music changes from ominous to triumphant
• Billy whipping out a cigar made me laugh
• That is a LOT of slushie machines in the disco
• Conny took her glasses off and she’s hot now