“Well, then he’d be a blank. An astro-robot without a control system.”

Drake’s rating: This is what $60,000 could buy you in the mid-sixties

Drake’s review: Let’s face it, with a title like Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster, we all know what kind of movie this is going to be, and it’s not going to be a good one. And it’s not. It’s so very, very not.

There is something fascinating about these micro-budget drive-in era productions, though. They almost always had expectations that far exceeded their funds and relied on a mostly amateur cast to support the one or two name actors that were hard up for cash and anxious to make a quick buck. The filmography of Ed Wood is a textbook example, relying on the fading star of Bela Lugosi to make up for the lack of talent both in front of and behind the camera. Still, it has to be said that Wood’s work had a weird, quirky DIY charm that many of his peers lacked. Even if he never made good films, Wood at least made memorable ones.

Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster gets very close to capturing that Woodian weirdness, especially whenever Dr. Nadir (Lou Cutell, Honey I Shrunk the Kids) is on the screen. Nadir, aide to the evil Princess Marcuzan of Mars (Marilyn Hanold, The Brain That Wouldn’t Die), knows exactly what kind of film he’s in and plays his part with relish. He leers with an evil grin as his plans to menace the Earth are hatched, and bugs his eyes out in proper surprise when those same plans are threatened by the requisite resourceful scientist (James Karen, Return of the Living Dead). And he does this while spouting out such memorable dialogue as, “And now… MAXIMUM ENERGY!”

Honestly, I would have been happy with at least 50% more Dr. Nadir in this flick.

Unfortunately, Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster doesn’t take full advantage of its hidden gem. Instead, it’s one part scifi cheapie, one part Puerto Rico travelogue, and one part stock footage. Or maybe two parts stock footage. Trust me, there’s a lot of it in this movie, and it always feels a bit intrusive on the otherwise campy atmosphere that results whenever Nadir and Marcuzan are on screen.

So what exactly are our Martian villains up to? Honestly, the plot feels like it was made up on the fly, but basically they’ve come to Earth to kidnap women since all of their females (excepting Marcuzan) were evidently killed in an atomic war. Seeing a rocket launch, they mistake it for a missile and shoot it down. The pilot ejects, however, and in a later scuffle with a Martian soldier gets his face damaged. This would likely be lethal to our poor astronaut, one Col. Frank Saunders, but it turns out he’s actually an android for reasons that are too ludicrous to explain. Now a monstrous (and misnamed) “Frankenstein,” Saunders goes on a brief reign of terror before his creator finds him and sets him on a collision course with the Martians.

But the Martians are not without resources of their own and, since the film’s title demands it, they brought a space monster along on their trip to Earth. Said monster, a brute named Mull (Bruce Glover, Diamonds Are Forever), of course gets into a tussle with Frank. Work in a minor sub-plot about one of the women being the assistant and love interest to the scientist who created Frank, and that’s pretty much the movie. It would have had a run-time of maybe 30 minutes were it not for the aforementioned stock footage and a scenic scooter ride through Puerto Rico.

As I said, this is very much a not good movie, and it’s not even very memorable except for the inclusion of Dr. Nadir. Long after I forget everyone else in this flick, I’ll still be thinking about his obvious bald cap and squishy latex ears, and lamenting the fact that his path never crossed that of Ed Wood. What a duo those two would have made.

Intermission!

• When in doubt, run the stock footage reel.
• I can see the seams on the bald cap.
• Oops! Frank glitched in front of the press! Hard to keep your secret android a secret when he’s running on Windows 3.1.
• Dr. Nadir really is wonderfully enthusiastic in his evilness.
• Where do Martians go to find women? The beach, of course.
• Scootering to the rescue! Yes, it does look silly.