“Restore it? Why? I like the death! I like the misery! I like this world!”

Justin’s rating: The living death? More like the living end!

Justin’s review: As the somewhat well-known legend goes, Cannon Films had the license to create both a Spider-Man film* and a sequel to the notorious Masters of the Universe in the late ’80s. For better or for worse, these projects got canned due to finances — after Cannon had already spent $2 million on prep for He-Man 2.

Enter imaginative and thrifty filmmaker Albert Pyun (Nemesis), who took those abandoned sets and costumes and whipped together a post-apocalyptic action film in 23 days for $500,000. What was now called Cyborg became a modest and surprising success, netting $10M and giving both Pyun and Jean-Claude Van Damme a boost as they went into the ’90s.

Cyborg is, to my shame, a movie I’ve never seen before. And considering that I’m a fan of Masters of the Universe, that is an oversight I need to correct… now.

It’s the future, naturally, and New York City is all but decayed thanks to the collapse of civilization, a plague called the Living Death, and the rise of gangs. Now if only the plague could be cured, then society may return — which is the mission of the titular cyborg, a girl named Pearl who’s sent from Atlanta to NYC. She comes under the protection of a “slinger” named Gibson (Van Damme), who’s got his own beef with the roving gangs.

The two of them are pitted against Fenton (Vincent Klyn), an overly muscly homicidal maniac who leads a gang that probably grunts and says “You lift, brah?” without a shred of irony. Fender actually captures Pearl early on and vows to take her back to Atlanta to “become a god” or somesuch. It’s only the tenacity of Gibson — and his new sidekick Nady (Deborah Richter) — that gives humanity a fighting chance.

One thing that I appreciate about Albert Pyun’s films is that he doesn’t waste time getting to interesting stuff. In the first 10 minutes of Cyborg, we get an amazing opening narration, a look at a destroyed NYC, some gang violence, cyborg stop-motion effects, and the outline of the entire plot. This feels like it respects my time, and thus I respect it back.

While the acting and story beats in his films may be silly, Pyun knows how to make everything look far better than its actual budget and present it in a way that is coherent and interesting. We get a tour through this post-apocalyptic world, which is far greener than your typical “we filmed this in a stone quarry” entry from the ’80s.

With double the motive — a rescue and a revenge — Gibson has all the excuse he needs to slow-mo kick his foes into oblivion. This was only a year after Van Damme experienced his breakout in Bloodsport, but he was still somewhat of an unknown property at that time. You can see that he still wants to prove he’s a tough hombre in all of his scenes, fighting or not.

Cyborg is a far gorier movie than I had anticipated, too. A lot of the blood and violence is quick, but it’s often pretty shocking and visceral and in service of the plot. It’s fun to see Gibson unleashed, especially after we learn why he’s so hellbent on taking Fenton out.

I do feel let down by the title. I had thought JCVD would be the cyborg, but he’s not, and the actual cyborg only makes cameo appearances. So, yes, that’s a tad misleading. It’s not Pyun’s fault; he wanted to call this movie Slinger instead.

Cyborg was Cannon Films’ swan song before it collapsed entirely — but what a way to go out! This became a true cult movie with a fanbase that’s sustained its memory decades later. And for newcomers like myself, it’s still an entertaining romp through the end of the world as we know it.

*I would’ve given a lot to have seen Albert Pyun’s take on Spider-Man. Couldn’t have been worse than Amazing Spider-Man 2.

Intermission!

• There is a director’s cut called Slinger that incorporates some unrefined footage
• Collapse of civilization. Then the plague. That’s a nice one-two punch.
• “Go to hell.” “Been there.”
• Gibson? Hope he doesn’t get hacked.
• The eyeball screen
• Love the stop-motion cyborg head effect
• Staff through the mouth, gotta hurt
• “The pirates that killed my pa” must’ve been hard to say without laughing
• “Sort of goes against your hard ass style.”
• Gibson’s wig in the flashbacks is sooooo bad
• The Wasteland has a sign pointing the way to it. That’s considerate!
• What’s cooler, the four-barrel shotgun or the boot knife?
• “I like scars, really.”
• The cyborg operation
• The cyborg turns down Gibon’s help even after he’s killed like 20 gang members?
• This synth soundtrack is truly awful stuff
• The splits are great for ambushing your opponent from above
• If you’re ever crucified, you can just, y’know, kick the post to get yourself down
• Have you roundhouse kicked a flaming guy so hard that he exploded?